We get so many of these photos that I begin to wonder if Joakim Noah will ever enjoy an undocumented moment in public or at his local head shop. At least he seems to relish these encounters. I mean, look.
Now, some housekeeping matters: Daulerio has returned from his vision quest and seems in high spirits; thanks to all of you who expressed so much concern. He'll be doing another Jezebel guest stint on Monday. Those ladies can't get enough of him.
Also: Next week, the site is turning five. You know what that means: We'll be exiting our phallic stage and entering our latency period any day now! It also means some sort of week-long celebration of how great the site used to be before Matthews fucked it up. Get psyched.
Photo courtesy reader Mike
* * * * *
Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin.
Fri, 03 Sep 2010 16:30:00 EDT
Omar Minaya Flies Coach, Gets Heckled [Mlb]
The beleaguered Mets GM probably figured 36,000 feet high would be a safe place to escape his critics and watch 27 Dresses on a 10-inch screen. He was wrong.
Reader Jason sends in this photo, along with the backstory:
So I'm settling into my seat on a VERY inexpensive Jetblue flight to Chicago to see the Mets in Wrigley when I notice the flight attendant having a hard time closing the overhead compartment because of someone's bag. After she sheepishly looks around for the culprit—he identifies himself. Since everyone was already seated and ready to fly, the apparently inconsiderate passenger was on stage for all to see. It was none other than Omar Minaya himself. What I didn't say before is that this flight is CRAWLING with Mets fans making the pligramage to Wrigely. At once the plane is abuzz. One young man in 18A shouts out "I woulda traded frenchy three months ago" another says "Better live it up, this is probably your last flight to chicago as GM". Delighted by the impromptu celebrity roast I chimed in with "I bet they flew Mike Jacobs in business class, at least". We all laughed in unison—he sat down and put his headphones on, a defeated man.
We wonder if he was able to find a power bat in the SkyMall catalog.
Fri, 03 Sep 2010 16:15:00 EDT
Kovalchuk's A Devil, NHL Closes Loophole [Nhl]
In the end, the Kovalchuks and Prongers and Zetterbergs of the league get to keep their frontloaded contracts, but they'll be the last after a new amendment to the rules. Way to do what should have been done last CBA, Bettman. [TSN]
Fri, 03 Sep 2010 16:00:26 EDT
John Salley Story Corner: Sexual Healing In Atlanta, And An Interrogation From Isiah Thomas [Tale]
Every week, John Salley, onetime Bad Boy and currently the arachnoid half of the Spider and the Henchman podcast, will regale us with an amusing and occasionally salacious story from his playing days. Today: Zeke is not pleased with Salley's rehab methods.
It's February 1989. I get injured, and then the Pistons trade Adrian Dantley for Mark Aguirre, and I'm pissed off. I'm really crying. A.D. was The Teacher. Not long after that, Chuck Daly puts me on injured reserve. So I'm out 15 games with a stress fracture that no one gave a fuck about until they brought Mark Aguirre in and needed to give him a lot of playing time. So they put Salley on injured reserve and say to Mark, You step in, learn the offense, get used to everything.
All right, cool.
After five days, I'm fine. The stress fracture has healed, and I've got new orthotics and everything. But I've got 10 days of not playing. Well, the team goes on a roadtrip, and I'm like, fuck it, I'm getting on a plane and going to Atlanta. I'm gonna hang out with Moms and get some food, yadda yadda yadda. [Ed. note: At this point in the story, Salley makes the kind of slapping sound that suggests he hung out with women in Atlanta who were not Moms.] I need to go down and relax. By the time they come back from the trip, I'll be back for practice.
The team leaves for the airport. (An aside: Whenever we flew out, we'd always go to this place called the Landing Strip, which is a strip joint, obviously. We'd be there all afternoon until 20 minutes before our flight was scheduled to leave, and then you'd see every car zipping into the airport, and Chuck would be like, "Ten minutes, and we would've left without you.")
Anyway, the team leaves for the airport, and I go to rehab and tell the guy: "Yo, man, I'm not gonna be in. I'm healed. You know I'm healed. I'll be back when the team is back." I go the airport, and I get on my Delta flight, and I fly out.
Meanwhile, something happens to the team's private jet. The flight's canceled, and those guys have to fly commercial. Now, Detroit is the size of a postage stamp. As soon as I got on that plane, word got out that I was leaving town. So now my teammates know. But I ain't got no cell; nobody's calling me. I don't know that they know.
So after the trip, I rejoin the team, and Isiah comes up to me.
"You see the game, Sal?"
"Yeah," I say. "You guys put it down."
"Sal, you watch the game?"
"Yeah," I say. "I know what y'all did."
He goes, "Did you watch the game?"
Now, this is before DIRECTV, ladies and gentlemen. This is before Time Warner Cable. If you're in Atlanta, you're not watching the Pistons play Milwaukee.
I say, "Man, fuck, you know I don't like watching the games."
He goes, "Well, why didn't you watch the game?"
"Why do I have to watch the game?" I say. Everyone's giving me the stare. I'm thinking, These motherfuckers know.
Isiah says, "Sal, when we're out there playing, you can't —"
"Zeke," I say, "you put me on injured reserve so Mark can get 25 minutes a game. What difference does it make if I watch you motherfuckers play Milwaukee, when all you really care about is Mark getting 25 minutes a game? I'm on injured reserve. I'm not even supposed to be on injured reserve."
But no one steps up for me. They're all taking Isiah's side. Even Dennis Rodman didn't tell me what the deal was. This was when I really started falling out with this motherfucker. I'm like, "How do you not give me the heads-up?" He says, "Man, Sal, you're supposed to be a teammate."
Fine. OK, I went to Atlanta. Fuck y'all, I didn't watch the game. There's nothing they can do about it.
Flash to my last year with the Pistons. Isiah gets hit in the eye by Karl Malone, and he's bleeding. Isiah goes to the motherfucking Bahamas for a week and sits in the sun. When he gets back, I go up to him.
"Hey, motherfucker, did you watch the game?"
He says: "Nah, Sal. I had my shades on, man. Plus, you know I had to take care of [Ed. note: There's a mildly suspicious edit in the podcast here.]"
So I get bitched at for going to Atlanta and getting some pussy. He goes to the Bahamas with his wife to get some color. Ain't that some bullshit?
College Football Season Means Trick Plays [College Football]
Presbyterian pulled off a modified lateral fumblerooski last night. When the school's assistant SID is emailing you about a game they lost by 40, it must be special.
Fri, 03 Sep 2010 14:20:00 EDT
Baseball Is A Sport For Conservatives, Says Conservative [Politics]
Here's an argument that baseball is inherently right-wing, because it's American, merit-based and unchanging (all false to some degree, by the way). I guess this means football is for dirty pinkos? [Daily Caller]
Fri, 03 Sep 2010 13:45:00 EDT
Fräulein Soccer Player Treats Other Fräulein Soccer Player In Very Un-Fräulein-Like Way [Sportsmanship]
Taoba Kemmy of FFC Turbine Potsdam is not to be messed with when she's taking a throw-in because she may well throw it at you face. Don't believe it? Just ask FFC Frankfurt's Kerstin Garfrekes. [Unprofessional Foul]
Fri, 03 Sep 2010 13:30:00 EDT
Jets' Command Center Offers Real-Time Analytics for Sales, Stats Freaks [Changing The Game]
Austin Carr over at Fast Company is a stats junkie. When he heard about the "Command Center" at The New Meadowlands Stadium—a real-time analytics tool that tracks ticket sales, concessions, and more—he had to see it for himself.
The New Meadowlands Stadium, home of the New York Giants and Jets, is one of the most expensive stadiums ever built. At a cost of $1.6 billion in private funds, it's state of the art—and that means more than comfy seats and realistic looking pretzel cheese. Gearing up for its inaugural NFL season later this month, the stadium will feature a first-of-its-kind "Command Center," which will help executives and merchandisers track customers in real-time. It's also a stats junkie's dream.
Built by digital design firm Roundarch, the new system enables managers to keep by-the-second tabs on operations through a touchscreen dashboard. In what looks more like video game RollerCoaster Tycoon than an analytics tool, the Command Center monitors ticket sales, concession and merchandising information, and parking, all in real-time.
What exactly is the system capable of? Let's start with concessions and merchandise. While a game is underway, NY Jets' owner Woody Johnson will see a four-panel layout that shows a variety of metrics, from gross spending to total transactions to average amount spent per transaction. The stadium is virtually divided up by each level, and Johnson can zoom in on individual stores and concession stands to see which jerseys are selling, or which beer isn't.
The stadium is heat-mapped too, so if lines are getting to long, mobile vendors can be directed to help ease the burden.
"You might realize, hey, this part of the stadium has more sun in the fans' eyes, and is selling more hats," says Geoff Cubitt, chief technology officer of Roundarch. "We're running out of inventory there, but the other side has plenty. In real-time, you can be smarter about how to allocate."
The Command Center won't just help managers and executives, but will soon aim to improve the fan experience as well. Cisco has invested $100 million into the stadium, and one rep estimates the company's technology could provide fans with estimated wait times in the near future. The dashboard will also warn of choke points at stadium gates and concession stands, so fans can be informed of how to avoid the longest line for a burger, or the best way to exit after the game.
And even when they leave, metrics on parking continue to be monitored. The dashboard can zoom in on individual lots, and the parking passes themselves are linked to the tickets. "We can see the time it takes people to go from the parking gate to the stadium," explains Cubitt. "We can see where they enter."
What's more, the Command Center can create comparisons not just between other games, but specific times. With the simple drag of the mouse on the timeline, execs can see how the first half or just the third quarter or only a few specific minutes compares to other weeks. "Think about weather conditions: How are the poncho sales going on this rainy day compared to the last?" the Roundarch CTO says. "Or if a banner is put up for something, what kind of impact does that have?"
Funded by the Jets, the system will eventually migrate to mobile devices such as the iPad and Android, where it'll help operational staff on-the-go.
But for now, owner Woody Johnson will oversee the entire stadium from his personal touchscreen.
Read more from Chuck Salter and the rest of the Fast Company crew at FastCompany.com.
Fri, 03 Sep 2010 13:10:00 EDT
This Goalie Has Just The Most Adorable Mask [Hockey]
KHL goalie Vasiliy Koshechkin has a fearsome kitty cat painted on his mask. Its name is Cерьiй, and it is "very bored from being on the side of his head all the time." I can haz intimidation? [Hot Ice via Puck Daddy]
Fri, 03 Sep 2010 12:50:12 EDT
Don't Forget To Cast Your Deadspin Hall Of Fame Votes [Deadspin Hall Of Fame]
The voting, as it stands: 61% for Athlete Dong, 78% for Salisbury, 50% for Nightmare Ant, 61% for Whitlock, and 91% for Mariotti. Only about 83 hours left to spam yes votes for Nightmare Ant and all the others. Vote now!
Fri, 03 Sep 2010 12:20:00 EDT
When It Comes To Fans Fighting Fans, It's All About The U [College Football]
As brought to our attention by our own lt. winslow, the US Open has nothing on last night's Miami/FAMU brawl in the seats. Be sure to watch for orange shirt/mullet guy believing he can fly.
Tony Blair Turned To Sir Alex Ferguson For Advice [Soccer]
Much hullabaloo in the UK press at the moment over Tony Blair's recently published memoirs, in which, by all accounts, he comes across as a bit of an egotistical chap.
Interestingly, though, at one point he reveals he occasionally deferred to Sir Alex Ferguson over how to deal with the fractious relationship between himself and Gordon Brown.
According to The Sun, Blair saw the situation as being analogous to the relationship between ‘a football manager plagued by a talented but difficult player' and asked the Man Utd boss for advice, without ever explicitly referring to Gordo:
Mr Blair writes: "What would you do if you had a really difficult but brilliant player causing you problems? I would ask.
Get rid of them, he would reply.
And supposing after you got rid of them they were still in the dressing room and in the squad? I would say.
That would be a different matter, he would reply, laughing.
What an illuminating conversation. Is the rest of the book like this?
Unsurprisingly, the pair's chats didn't lead to any decisive action and Blair decided to tough it out with Brown until such time he could describe him as "a strange guy" crippled by "personal drawbacks" and possessing "zero emotional intelligence" in order to promote a book.
Now They're Punching Each Other At The U.S. Open [Brawls]
A fight broke out in the stands at Arthur Ashe Stadium last night at the U.S. Open, briefly stopping play during an otherwise lackluster match between Novak Djokovic and Philipp Petzschner. Everyone seems to be brawling these days.
A fan-shot video shows a youngish dude getting in an argument with an older lady, who had presumably called a foot fault on him. (A second video reveals that the woman had smacked him in the face, apparently for talking during the points.) When the old dude she was with tried to intervene, he got tossed about four rows. The woman then went for the young dude's jugular. All three were arrested. ESPN had given the Brothers McEnroe the night off, robbing us all of potentially classic commentary.
After the match, Djokovic was asked if it distracted him. He said he just hoped it wasn't a Serb. Besides, Novak was more interested in talking about his, uh, djong.
"I have something else between my legs," he said when Brad Gilbert asked if he had a between-the-legs shot in his repertoire like Federer. "Don't worry, I won't show it to you tonight."
Fri, 03 Sep 2010 11:10:00 EDT
Creepiest Fan Ever Has 1300 Cheerleader Videos [College Football]
One man has spent years taking slow-motion videos of cheerleaders at college football games, and uploading them to YouTube. You dial 9-1, then click through to see just how bizarre this is, then dial 1 again.
Gossip Sports made quite the find when they discovered the YouTube account of one "juan833cheer." You know how, when going to or coming back from a commercial break, they'll often do a close-up of the cheerleaders? Yeah. Our guy records it all with his DirecTV, films it directly off his screen, and sets it to unsettling music.
So what do we know about Juan M. Melendez, from Union City, N.J.? Well, according to his YouTube profile, he hates CBS, hates people from Philadelphia, and hates anyone who dares call his videos creepy. And also, this:
I'm a major man who loves cheerleaders, if it's college cheerleaders I'm watching it.
Last Night's Winner: Lane Kiffin, Bro [Last Night's Winner]
In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like USC's Lane Kiffin, the happy mediocrity who won his debut last night against Hawaii. Coach Peter Principle is 1-0, everyone.
The game itself was nothing much — USC won by 13, and Daddy's defense gave up 36 points and 588 yards, leaving Plaschke so little to work with that he actually praised the Trojans' sportsmanship — except that Lane Kiffin was involved, and anything that involves Lane Kiffin is screamingly funny and therefore wonderful. It's funny that fans were taunting him in Hawaii ("Hey Kiffin, sing 'Rocky Top' for us! C'mon Kiffin! A little 'Rocky Top!'"). It's funny that even Justin Timberlake is busting on him. It's funny that in an ESPN The Magazine poll of Pac-10 players, Kiffin was the coach they'd least like to play for. It's funny that he says stuff like, "My ego, from a points standpoint and what they say about your offense, will never have any effect on how we call plays here." And like this:
It turns out the Trojans did not know the Warriors would be running the "Pistol" offense — a spread attack in which the running back lines up behind the quarterback — until defensive boss Monte Kiffin saw it on the news Wednesday night.
"So we spent all morning changing things and preparing for it," said Lane Kiffin. "I guess that shows we should never watch the news, because the preparation didn't do any good."
He's just like a Trojan. He's a man with a good looking wife, a lot of money and a whole world of non-Trojans hating on him.
He is also every coach's kid ever, every fat-cheeked son of somebody important, a guy who wears the perpetual look of someone who has spent the past 30 minutes eating paste. He is, to borrow a line, a dog who thinks he's people. Congrats, Lane. Last night you won one for all the dumbasses and fortunate sons out there, from a points standpoint.
Deadspin HOF Nominee: Jay Mariotti [Deadspin Hall Of Fame]
Before the last fortnight happened, Jay Mariotti would have been a serious contender for the Deadspin Hall of Fame. Now that it has ... well, frankly, I'm a little surprised he's not in the HOF already.
You really should go back and read all the old Jay Mariotti posts. (Here's the first one ever, from July 2005, before the site was even live yet.) The man has been both a signpost of precisely what is wrong about sports (the type of thing Deadspin, in general, has tried to be against) and a consistent source of awkward (and ultimately scary and creepy) comedy. Again: We're surprised he's not in the Hall already.
So: Is Jay Mariotti a Deadspin Hall of Famer?
You decide. Seventy five percent is the threshold for induction. Vote below: Polls will be open through Labor Day.
Fri, 03 Sep 2010 10:00:54 EDT
My Name Is Hurricane Earl [Wake Up Deadspin]
Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
•Byron Leftwich goes down, meaning the Steelers have to start the season with either Charlie Batch or Dennis Dixon behind center. You see, NFL players? When Roger Goodell wants to extend the season to 18 games, he's only doing it so you don't have more meaningless preseason games in which to get injured. It's for your own good.
•It's not truly football season until a Dave Wannstedt team shits the bed. Pitt gave up on Heisman hopeful Dion Lewis after the first quarter, and fell to tough-but-unranked Utah in overtime.
•Here's Andrea Bargnani, trying his damndest not to pop a boner during a GQ photoshoot:
•Time Warner and Disney reached a deal, keeping ESPN on the air and giving millions more access to ESPN3. Good, because I'm sure everyone is as excited to watch today's Temple vs. Villanova game as I am.
It's Friday before a long weekend. Don't work too hard today.
Thu, 02 Sep 2010 19:00:29 EDT
Hey, Everybody, College Football's Back [Duan!]
College football makes its big honking return tonight. There's a fairly full slate of games to watch, so how would you like an open thread?
Ohio State's playing Marshall. Miami's playing Florida A&M. USC's playing Hawaii. Those are going to be snoozefests, but you can at least warm up your bile a little. Utah-Pitt game should be good, at least.
While you're pretending tonight's a Saturday, try not to dwell too much on Hunter S. Thompson's suicide, like Spencer Hall, and join the fray down in the comments. I have a feeling someone's going to say something filthy about Jim Tressel.
*****
Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. We're almost there.
Thu, 02 Sep 2010 17:45:29 EDT
Watch George Plimpton And Billy Martin Awkwardly Pimp Old Video Games [Quaint Things]
Intellivision came out in 1979 as a competitor to the Atari 2600. Within a few years, Intellivision had its own baseball game with its own celebrity pitchman, forcing Atari to respond in kind. Thus, the George Plimpton-Billy Martin rivalry was born.
As our pal Owen Good at Kotaku puts it, these titles came out of the era when the commercials and box art were more dynamic than the games themselves. Case in point: George Plimpton on behalf of Intellivision, being so very Plimpton all over the place:
Can you imagine the equivalent today? It'd be like getting Lewis Lapham to do a Gears of War commercial.
Atari did some tidying up and came out with a newer version of Atari Baseball, complete with the Billy Martin Seal of Approval:
Take that, Plimpton! I hope these two patched things up before it was too late.
Tortillas Banned From Texas School Celebrations [College Football]
Tonight, Texas A&M-Kingsville kicks off the season at Northwest Missouri State, in a continuance of the epic D-II rivalry. (Maybe. I don't know.) One mainstay that will be absent: the traditional Tossing Of The Tortillas after Kingsville touchdowns.
For decades, it's been standard for A&M-Kingsville fans to throw tortillas on the field after their Javelinas score. But the school's putting a stop to it, for three reasons. School president Steven Tallant said it looks bad when students waste food when there are starving people out there. Additionally, it creates an injury hazard, as evidenced in this anecdote:
Chemistry professor Mauro Castro said his 5-year-old son was treated by football trainers after a hardened tortilla struck him in the nose at Javelina Stadium during a run with Porky's Pack, the children who rush the field with Porky, the Javelinas mascot.
There's nothing not hilarious in that sentence.
But you know what's not funny? Racism. And Kingsville, with a majority Hispanic student body, has caught flack recently for what some consider an insensitive gesture. But if that's so offensive, they might have to ban the throwing of rice after UCLA scores, and Wonder Bread at BYU.
Floyd Mayweather Might Be A Punk, According To Freddie Roach [Boxing]
Every morning, the fine folks at Sports Radio Interviews sift through the a.m. drive-time chatter to bring you the best interviews with coaches, players, and personalities across the sports landscape. Today: boxing trainer Freddie Roach.
Freddie Roach joined Into the Night with Tony Bruno to talk about Manny Pacquiao's upcoming fight against Antonio Margarito, whether or not he will inspect Margarito's gloves, whether or not he thinks a fight between Floyd Mayweather Jr. and Manny Pacquiao will happen, and how long Pacquiao will remain fighting for.
On whether or not he was surprised Antonio Margarito was cleared:
"There were some other states out there that were willing to give him a license and so forth. Nevada really didn't turn him down. They said they would make a decision after he applies in California. I knew someone was going to take this fight because the economy is bad all over the world. Let's face it, this is gonna generate a lot of attention and a lot of money to where it goes and Dallas was smart enough to do it."
On whether or not someone will inspect Margarito's gloves:
"Of course and that will be me. If he was loaded in the (Miguel) Cotto fight I blame the Cotto camp for not doing their job. Let's face it, you have that right when you're in a world title fight. You watch him wrap, put his hands in his gloves, and make sure it's up to par. No one would get away with that with me anyway because I don't trust anyone in this sport. The thing is, even when I checked Oscar De La Hoya's wraps and then I put my hands inside his gloves, his trainer was like ‘what are you doing?' I said checking my gloves. They said ‘you don't trust Oscar?' I said again I'm doing my job. I don't trust anybody and I don't take anything for granted."
On why he thinks Mayweather won't fight Pacquiao:
"I think he just wants that zero on his record. As long as he's undefeated he can argue and say he's the best fighter ever, he's as good as Sugar Ray Robinson and so forth, and he can make that argument as long as he doesn't have that loss on his record. I think it's more important for him to stay undefeated than fight the best guy out there. It's a shame and I hope the fight will happen but I'm worried about that because the only thing that can get him motivated is money and they offered him 40 million dollars. If that's not enough money I don't know what is."
On whether or not Pacquiao will remain driven to fight even though he is 31 and is now a congressman in the Philippines:
"He really is driven. He trains harder now than when he first started off because he doesn't want to disappoint his countrymen, he wants to win for his country, put the Philippines on the map, and his work ethic is better now than it was when I first got him. He trains like an animal and the only thing that changed lately is his name. He's going to be congressman Manny Pacquiao, but he still knows what he does best and that's fight. And that's what he's going to be on November 13th."
This post, written by Chris Fedor, appears courtesy of Sports Radio Interviews. For the complete highlights of the interview, as well as audio, click here.
Thu, 02 Sep 2010 16:50:00 EDT
The Boring Bag! Your Temporary Fun Bag Replacement [Boring Bag]
While the Funbag is away, we still play, albeit dully. Time for The Boring Bag!
Plenty of time for tiddlywinks. Do you have a preference of pens? I'm been scribbling notes the last few days with a black Paper Mate and I hate it. I like those see-through plastic Bic pens. You know how much ink you have left, there's a quality cap attached, you very rarely have to press down or shake it to write something. Quality pen? Heck and yes.
Onto your questions.
ZS:
I'm tired and it's 10:20pm. 10pm-2am is a roulette wheel of sleep for me; I could go to sleep any time between the two. Is that weird?
Not really. I think that's the time most people go to sleep.
Jason:
I was getting gas today and tried to stop the pump at exactly $20.00 so I wouldn't have to break another bill but I accidentally stopped it at $19.98. I figured that was close enough and just paid, I put the 2 pennies in the penny dish.
That reminds me. I worked on a movie last summer as a PA and was given a Prius to cart around equipment and supplies. I would get reimbursed for gas but the first two times I got gas, I didn't get the right receipts, so I wasn't going to get reimbursed. I went back to the gas station to get the right sort of receipt, but the attendant wasn't able to do it. That was like thirty bucks I was out. The movie ended up being not that good either.
Pete Gaines:
Dude. I can't believe the DMV actually let me have these. Crazy, right?
The only way that license plate could be more ordinary is if it was one of the old Illinois plates. Now there was a plate you could set your watch to.
Jonathan:
Should I invest a portion of my paycheck into a Roth 401(k) or just go with the standard 401(k) version? I feel like getting my tax deferred NOW with the standard version is more attractive, but who knows? Maybe I'll need the breathing room the Roth option allows me when I'm 65.....(sigh) it's so hard to decide!
Does your company match contributions on one of the options? Do companies still do that? Secondly, are you going to have control over what the fund invests in or are you taking a pre-selected one? Are you planning on living for a while? If so, go with the Roth 401(k) because you don't have to pay tax on it as the account grows or on withdrawals, provided you meet some requirements (age, time you've had the account). If you have to expand your house or something unexpectedly, I think it would be good to have a tax-free pool of money by your side.
I don't know shit about finance though.
Doug:
I was playing basketball, wearing black shorts a white t-shirt and white ankle socks, as a white guy all I did was pass and hustle for offensive rebounds to score since I lack skill. How can I up my game?
You can always practice chest passes in your free time. I've got a brick wall in my apartment. On the other side is a small court yard, so when I practice my chest passes, no one gets disturbed. There's that and dribbling down the street with your off-hand when you run neighborhood errands.
Willie:
I just selected tuna salad over chicken salad. Which do you prefer?
Chicken salad for me, but I usually abstain because I don't like mayo very much. I really need to be in a special mood for mayo.
I helped my friend move once, and for helping, he got me a hoagie. I asked for no mayo, but it came with mayo, but I didn't care. I was pretty tired from helping him move so I didn't have the energy to complain about the mayo.
Another friend of mine absolutely abhors mayo. We were walking to the train once, and he stopped in a deli to get a sandwich and the same thing happened to him. He asks for no mayo, gets a lot of mayo. He literally threw the sandwich away when he found out. We went to a second deli and the same thing happened. He threw away two perfectly acceptable sandwiches.
There are ways to get around having mayo on your sandwich if you don't want mayo on your sandwich. Namely: napkins. Most delis will give you a napkin or two with your sandwich, right? So just wipe the mayo off the bread with your napkin. C'mon, people.
Spud:
Have you seen that show, Rubicon? It's okay I guess.
Yeah, I'm watching it in the hopes that it gets really good, though. So far it's like the first 20 minutes of Three Days of the Condor if the first twenty minutes of Three Days of the Condor was five hours long. Bring on Max Von Sydow and Faye Dunaway getting sexy Stockholm Syndrome, Rubicon!
It's pretty well-acted and shot, but shit needs to start happening. We're halfway through the season.
A.J.Daulerio:
David,
Took a crap. It looked like you.
Love,
aj on vacation
I spent a few minutes counting on my fingers to make sure this wasn't a haiku. It wasn't.
I'm not sure what this means. Do you think I look like shit? Was the log wearing glasses and sideburns? Lots of unanswered questions here. Hope you're loving Fire Island as much as you'd hoped. See you next week.
Ryan:
Any recommended sex positions that would be a bit more vanilla than missionary? The wife and I have always gone that route, but recently she has been making a ton of eye contact - probably read it in one of those woman's magazines - and it is making me wildly uncomfortable. I've tried the spoon position but being behind her seems too much like animal fornication.
That's sorta remarkable, isn't it? How often does that happen?
Kevin:
I am a Metrologist. Metrology is the study of measurements. I spend my entire work day measuring things, often more than once. My question is: Do I have the most boring occupation ever? I think so. If not, what is?
Assistant metrologist? Fundamentals of Metrology professor? Fundamentals of Metrology textbook salesman?
Scott:
David, what's worse: Stepping in a bigger-than-expected puddle that soaks your leg, or stepping on freshly discarded gum?
This goes back to the bee question from last time. If you step on the gum barefoot, that's terrible. If you're wearing a shoe, scrape it off. It'll take a while, but you'll forget about it in a matter of weeks. A puddle is going to fuck your shit up whether you're wearing shoes or not. Anything with stagnant water is something to avoid. That's how you get malaria, I heard.
Roland:
I went swimming yesterday. When you go swimming, do you ever pretend that you're a guppy, just waiting to be eaten by a larger fish?
I do not, Roland, but I used to pretend all kinds of shit when I was a kid. We had a pool growing up and I was into Backdraft. So I would recreate that scene at the end where Billy Baldwin jumps from the collapsing roof and into the elevator shaft that's rapidly filling up with water. Then I would get out and pretend to be Kurt Russell when he jumps into the elevator shaft to shut off the gas main that's causing a fire, showcasing the special effects wizardry of that film. Backdraft is great, goddammit.
Will:
It's the last round of my fantasy draft. Who should I take? Ryan Longwell or Jeff Reed?
Longwell is probably going to score more points so go with him. Unless "spiky hair" is one of your points categories. It's probably not because that would be very lopsided. And dumb.
Championship Facial:
Last night I woke up in the middle of the night. I thought I had fallen asleep before I brushed my teeth. This was not the case. Since I was already up, I went to the bathroom although I really did have to. What's your preferred type of handsoap: bar or liquid?
Liquid. You pump once or twice and you've got the optimal amount of soap and you're ready to work up a nice lather and rinse. Can't go wrong with that liquid soap.
Ian:
I used to think that nothing in the world rhymed with orange. It was a universal constant that served as an anchor in my otherwise chaotic existence. Then the other day I said "door hinge" in a manner that rhymed it perfectly with orange. I briefly contemplated my life and then continued into the kitchen to eat some Bugles. They were pretty good, especially when I used them to make monster fingers.
Ian is right, it is incredibly fun to put the Bugles on your finger tips and become a sorcerer all of a sudden. Like Merlin. Merlin was such a great character in The Sword In The Stone. He looked like he was in ZZ Top. The part where he turns into a squirrel and is pursued by the fat lady squirrel still makes me chuckle.
I think my favorite snack chips that are a little wacky are Bugles, Corn Nuts, Combos, and Pringles (such bizarre packaging).
Brandon:
What's your favorite inert gas? I tend to prefer nitrogen.
If you're preserving reactive materials or synthesizing some chemicals, the only gas for you is helium. That's how balloons are made.
Time for a Great Moment In Sober Vending Machine Failure!
Dan:
This morning I went to use the vending machine at work. I wanted something that cost $2. I had a $10 bill and a single. I found four quarters in my bag though, so I thought I was fine. Then the vending machine wouldn't accept the last quarter so I was stuck on $1.75. Isn't that something? I have never seen that happen. So I got something that cost $1 instead (a Snickers - yes, for breakfast) and lo a behold, the machine accidentally gave me four quarters in change instead of the three I should have gotten. I was completely sober the entire time and nobody else saw what happened.
A free slightly cheaper than expected Snickers is a great way to start the morning.
Finally, a Great Moment In Drinking Cheap Wine By Yourself In Costa Rica During A Rainstorm
Sheed's Bald Spot:
Back in 2007 I was living in Costa Rica doing some biology stuff during the entirety of the NBA playoffs. I hadn't been able to watch many of the games, largely because I was in the middle of fucking nowhere, but I wasn't going to miss Sheed and some other dudes play the Cavs in Game 6 of the Eastern Conference Finals. The cable was gone at my house and all of the bars in my area thanks to a bunch of successive storms, but the research station I was working out of still had a connection. It was close to two hours in a thunderstorm up a mountain to get there. I grabbed a flashlight and two $3 liter boxes of a wine called Clos and went for it, along the way stopping to pick up my supposed girlfriend — we weren't really doing much beyond topless makeouts and one dry handjob in the forest, and she seemed to have a boyfriend back in the States. She declined.
I walked my ass up this muddy trail only to find out that the game wasn't being televised in the country. I drank those boxes of wine soaking wet while watching the Gametracker by myself. I think Sheed had 12 points and a technical.
That's the Boring Bag
Thu, 02 Sep 2010 16:00:00 EDT
Book Readings That Don't Suck [Announcements]
New Yorkers: Tonight is another installment of Gelf's Varsity Letters reading series (7:30 p.m. in DUMBO), featuring authors Dan Epstein, Dave Zirin, and Michael Weinreb, from whose book we excerpted that story about Jim McMahonnot calling the women of New Orleans sluts.
Thu, 02 Sep 2010 14:50:33 EDT
BREAKING: Short NBA Player Was Jealous Of Slightly Taller NBA Player [Short People]
Noted short person and former NBA player Muggsy Bogues let the cat out of the bag today, finally coming clean about his jealousy of Spud Webb's ability to dunk. [@muggsybogues]
Thu, 02 Sep 2010 14:45:00 EDT
Here's Will Leitch Stammering About Baseball On MSNBC [Sorry In Advance]
The Emeritus stopped by The Chucklehut With Joe Scarborough this morning to talk about his new book and baseball. If you've ever heard Will talk, you know he's...excited. He did not disappoint this morning, stammering through his segment.
Everyone give him some credit for waking up so early. [MSNBC]
Thu, 02 Sep 2010 14:30:51 EDT
Stories That Don't Suck: College Football's Greatest Game And Its Greatest Story [College Football]
From time to time, we'll select stories — old and new, sports and otherwise, relevant and merely sublime — that we urge you to read for one reason or another. Today: Dan Jenkins on the 1971 Nebraska-Oklahoma "Game of the Century."
In the land of the pickup truck and cream gravy for breakfast, down where the wind can blow through the walls of a diner and into the grieving lyrics of a country song on a jukebox—down there in dirt-kicking Big Eight territory—they played a football game on Thanksgiving Day that was mainly for the quarterbacks on the field and for self-styled gridiron intellectuals everywhere. The spectacle itself was for everybody, of course, for all of those who had been waiting weeks for Nebraska to meet Oklahoma, or for all the guys with their big stomachs and bigger Stetsons, and for all the luscious coeds who danced through the afternoons drinking daiquiris out of paper cups. But the game of chess that was played with bodies, that was strictly for the cerebral types who will keep playing it into the ages and wondering whether it was the greatest collegiate football battle ever. Under the agonizing conditions that existed, it well may have been.
Quality is what the game had more of than anything else. There had been scads of games in the past with equal pressure and buildup. Games of the Decade or Poll Bowls or whatever you want to call them. Something played in a brimming-over stadium for limb, life and a national championship. But it is impossible to stir the pages of history and find one in which both teams performed so reputably for so long throughout the day.
In essence, what won it for Nebraska was a pearl of a punt return in the game's first 3 1/2 minutes. Everything else balances out, more or less, even the precious few mistakes—Oklahoma's three fumbles against Nebraska's one, plus a costly Nebraska offside, the only penalty in the game. There was an unending fury of offense from both teams that simply overwhelmed the defenses, maniacal though they were. But that is the way it is with modern college football. You can't take away every weapon. Both Nebraska and Oklahoma stopped the things they feared most, but in so doing they gave up practically everything else. From Oklahoma's record-cracking Wishbone T the Cornhuskers removed the wide pitch to the halfback, mainly Greg Pruitt, but in doing so they relinquished the keep, the fullback into the middle and most of all the pass. To stop Pruitt, the Cornhuskers were forced to cover Wide Receiver Jon Harrison man for man, which they did ineffectually, thus allowing Harrison to catch four passes in critical situations, two for touchdowns. From Nebraska's imposing I spread and I slot Oklahoma took away the passing game but gave up the power running attack. So the two teams swapped touchdowns evenly from scrimmage, four for four, and Oklahoma added a field goal. But always there lingered the one thing they had not traded, that sudden, shocking, punt return by Nebraska's Johnny Rodgers.
It was one of those insanely thrilling things in which a single player, seized by the moment, twists, whirls, slips, holds his balance and, sprinting, makes it all the way to the goal line. Rodgers went 72 yards for the touchdown, one which keeps growing larger in the minds of all. And afterward, back on the Nebraska bench, he did what most everybody in Norman, Okla. probably felt like doing: he threw up.
Thu, 02 Sep 2010 14:15:00 EDT
Melo, D-Wade, Cubes and Nolan Ryan All Sued By Crazy Prisoner [Whimsy]
Jonathan Lee Riches, in prison for wire fraud, spends all his time filing lawsuits against public figures. This week sees a new one, involving a number of prominent sports stars, and it is a doozy.
The Dallas Observerhas the full text, but I'll pull some choice allegations for you.
Carmelo Anthony told me he is going to kill me...I was his former boyfriend and we were in a sexual relationship in 2000...I used stolen credit cards to get him GNC vitamins and enemas to flush out his toxins.
Anthony melt my Popsicle. Anthony gave me a STD in 2001. Carmelo Anthony worked as a undercover narcotic cop in Baltimore and was snitchin.
Carmelo Anthony cheated on his wife LaLa with Dwyane Wade's ex-wife who gave Anthony fellatio in I-95 traffic.
Mark Cuban stole my credit cards and tried to buy the Texas Rangers with my money. Mark Cuban assaulted me serving ice cream at Dairy Queen.
Nolan Ryan threw 100 mph fastballs at my head and he and Robin Ventura beat me up at the Church of Jesus Christ.
Jerry Buss accused me of raping him and Kobe Bryant in Boulder at JonBenet Ramsey's house. Jerry Buss sold me Jeannie Buss on eBay and I was promised a Lakers janitor job when I get out of prison for less than minimum wage.
When I listen to ESPN Radio I get goosebumps and shivers because of the fear defendants caused me.
Can I start a class action suit for that last one?
Now Turkey Wants To Take Away Your Right To Check Out Cheerleaders [FIBA World Championship 2010]
Fresh off news that dancers at the FIBA world championship had to overdress for USA-Iran, we now get word that their services won't be required during Turkey's games from now on. Man, if I didn't hate Hedo Turkoglu before... [NYT]
Thu, 02 Sep 2010 13:25:00 EDT
Breaking Down The Greatest Kick Ever, With Science [Soccer]
Roberto Carlos's free kick goal against France in 1997 is the stuff of legend. Some bored physicists, probably tired of looking for the Higgs boson, have figured out exactly how and why it happened.
There's a new paper out in the New Journal of Physics, that has a lot to do with fluid mechanics and rotational physics and shit like that. I won't make you read it all, because despite what your teachers tell you, you really don't need to use science after high school.
But the gist is this: for a spinning object, such as Carlos's ball, there comes a point in its trajectory when the drag of the surrounding air slows it down to a sufficient speed. At that speed, the spiral of the ball increases exponentially, meaning the soccer ball will start curving more and more the farther it goes. In Carlos's case, it appeared to curve sharply at the last moment.
That's no accident, or a strong gust of wind as many have surmised. Any ball, kicked from a long enough distance with sufficient rotation, will act this way.
For this kick and a number of others, Carlos is remembered as a master of set pieces. But really, he just tried for spectacular goals like this all the time, and we only recall the successful ones. I'm willing to wager he sent more balls wide than any of his contemporaries.
Da'Sean Butler's Children's Story Is Very Disturbing [Nba]
The WVU star and Heat second round pick wrote a children's story yesterday, about dinosaur poop, GameStop and "whoopie cakes." It's beyond bizarre, and he posted it on Twitter, 140 characters at a time.
Ira Winderman of the South Florida Sun-Sentinel did yeoman's work, piecing the entire thing together from Butler's Tweets:
''A SHORT STORY,'' by Da'Sean Butler
Once upon a time there was a young boy named Da'Sean. Da'Sean was 22 years old and lived in Newark, NJ. While walking home from school one day, a Purple Dinosaur jumped out from behind a Brick Wall and tackled Da'Sean to the ground. But just when he was about to let out a scream for help, Da'Sean realized that the Purple Dinosaur was only licking his face, not trying to bite it off. At that moment, Da'Sean decided to keep the Purple Dinosaur as a pet. And on the way home he decided to name his pet Purple Dinosaur "Barney."
When Da'Sean and his new pet finally got home, guess who was standing on the front porch? That's right, it was Da'Sean's mother, Koreena. And boy was she surprised to see a Purple Dinosaur following Da'Sean into the yard! "What in world is that?" shouted Koreena. "It's a Purple Dinosaur," answered Da'Sean. "Dah, I can see that, Da'Sean, but what on earth is it doing here?" said Koreena. "It's my new pet!" answered Da'Sean. "Oh you think so do you?" remarked Koreena. "I wouldn't get your hopes up. You know how your father hates Purple Dinosaurs. But, well, I suppose you can keep him until your father comes home." And with that Da'Sean grabbed Barney by the scruff of the neck and led his new pet into the house–even though he knew his father was probably going to disapprove.
Once in the house, Da'Sean and Barney played and played, that is until Da'Sean's favorite television show, "Family Guy," started. At that point Da'Sean forgot all about Barney having an unsupervised run of the house. That is until half way through "Family Guy," when Da'Sean was brought back to reality when he heard his father shout, "OMG!! Da'Sean! Get your whoopie cakes in the Kitchen…NOW!!" With that Da'Sean rushed into the Kitchen to see what all the fuss was about. When he entered the Kitchen, there stood his father, Da'Sean Butler, pointing toward the Table. "Will someone please explain that?" asked his father. Then, as Da'Sean followed his father's finger to where it was pointing, he instantly knew what his father was so upset about. There, smack dab in the middle of the Table, the biggest pile of Dinosaur doo-doo he had ever seen! "I don't EVEN want to know how that got there," said Da'Sean Butler. "But you had better get it cleaned up now! And you had better get rid of whatever it is that could have done such a thing!"
Well, knowing his father as well as he did, Da'Sean knew there was no sense even asking his father if he could keep Barney for a pet. So without hesitation, Da'Sean set out to find where Barney was hiding. After a few minutes of looking, Da'Sean discovered Barney crouched beneath the table that Da'Sean did his Playing X-Box and reading books.
"Come on, Barney, it's time to find you a new home. And hey, don't look at me that way, I'm not the one who did the dirty deed on the Table!" scolded Da'Sean. "Thanks to you I'll never get to have my own pet
Dinosaur!! And with that Da'Sean led Barney out of the house and down to the local Game Stop. They had a pet section and Da'Sean knew the owner would find Barney a good home. Da'Sean cried a deep cry. he had lost his only friend in the world.
So after saying good-bye to Barney, and thanking the owner of Game Stop, Da'Sean walked backed home and attempted to drowned his sorrows by slamming down a half dozen Root Beers. But Da'Sean's pity party came to an abrupt end when his father reminded him about the mess he had neglected to clean up. And low and behold, midway through the clean-up, Da'Sean suddenly became thankful that someone else was going to have to do it from now on.
The End.
Moral of the story: Sometimes you best friends can get your "whoopee cakes" n a lot of trouble be sure to listen to your parents they know what's best.
I mean, I don't even know what to say to that. It's either a work of staggering genius, or we all just got markedly dumber for having read it.
Arsenal Midfielder Jack Wilshere Accused Of "Taking Upskirt Photos In Club" [Soccer]
This post, written by Richard Gilzene, is republished with permission from The Spoiler. Go there often if you like soccer stuff.
Arensal's Jack Wilshere has been labeled "juvenile and rude"—a badge most 18-year-old footballers would wear with pride—after being kicked out of a nightclub for allegedly trying to take upskirt pictures of girls on the night he was arrested on suspicion of GBH.
20-year-old Josefin Rosen told The Sun a ‘drinking, but not drunk' Wilshere repeatedly pestered her and her 29 (twenty-nine) friends, who were all out celebrating a birthday in the VIP section of London club Amika on Sunday night:
Jack was trying to grab at me and my friend when we were dancing. He was drinking but wasn't that drunk.
Jack kept laughing and trying to take pictures up our skirts. He made me feel really uncomfortable. If I was his mother I'd be ashamed of him.
That's him told. Wilshere's spokesman denies the claims, but the club have confirmed Wilshere was ejected from the premises, saying:
We put up a barrier and provided security between the girls and Jack Wilshere's party. They were asked to leave.
And so, young Wilshere begins his journey down the road of a Premier League footballer, a road lined with nightclub-based shenanigans and finger-pointing accusations from twentysomething girls.
Thu, 02 Sep 2010 11:35:00 EDT
Last Night's Winner: Nyjer Morgan, Crazy Person [Last Night's Winner]
In sports, everyone is a winner-some people just win better than others. Like the "volatile"/"mercurial"/"passionate" Nationals outfielder, who appears to have lost his mind in the last two weeks.
So that's what we're dealing with here. His sanity has always had some frayed ends, but the past couple weeks is a new level altogether.
It started in Philadelphia, when Morgan may or may not have deliberately thrown a ball at a group of fans who were heckling him. Whatever happened, he was handed a fine and a seven-game suspension. He appealed, so everything else that's happened since has occurred with that hanging over his head.
Saturday, he bowled over Bryan Anderson on a play at the plate, even though the game was a blowout and the Cardinals catcher didn't even have the ball.
"I think it was just a culmination of Nyjer's anger that was brewing," Riggleman said. Morgan had been moved to eighth in the lineup. Riggleman benched him altogether the next day.
Tuesday, as the potential go-ahead run in extra innings, he could have scored easily if he slid into home. Instead he went for the collision, ended up getting called out and separating the shoulder of Marlins catcher Brett Hayes. Afterwards, he cursed out some fans.
Morgan appears to have fully embraced the heel role, playing the instigator and agitator on a vanilla team that's going nowhere. He may already have his gentleman's name , but we like the new villain persona. No more Mr. Plush Guy.
Thu, 02 Sep 2010 11:05:00 EDT
Spurs Arena Host Charged With Harassing Reporter [Nba]
Mike Lavender, a fixture at Spurs games, was charged with starting a Twitter account just to accuse a local TV reporter of having an affair with a married man. Was it the Coyote? I bet it was the Coyote. [Express-News]
Thu, 02 Sep 2010 10:45:24 EDT
The Prettiest, Most Rigorous Examination Of Bobblehead Giveaways You'll See [Infographic]
The great Craig Robinson of Flip Flop Fly Ball has produced the graphic you're looking at, from which you learn, among other things, that the Brewers hate their current roster, and the Marlins are cheap bastards. Click to enlarge. [Flipflopflyin.com]
Thu, 02 Sep 2010 10:30:03 EDT
Deadspin HOF Nominee: Jason Whitlock [Deadspin Hall Of Fame]
Some people find Jason Whitlock provocative and daring. Some find him a lazy, unhinged boor who pretends sportswriting is some sort of professional wrestling/UFC roleplaying game, with Twitter as his personal version of the octagon. Which are you?
Well, everybody has their own take on Whitlock, but one thing nobody denies is that he's a smart person — whether he acts intelligent is what's up for debate — who loves to mix it up with Deadspin (and the world, really) at every opportunity. I won't say anymore, because I have feuded with Mr. Whitlock myself, and I do not have the stomach for it. He, quite obviously, does.
But: Is Jason Whitlock a Deadspin Hall of Famer?
Get your Becky on, people. You decide. Seventy five percent is the threshold for induction. Vote below: Polls will be open through Labor Day.
Thu, 02 Sep 2010 09:45:22 EDT
Another Strongman Named Tito Emerges, This One Half-Naked [Wake Up Deadspin]
Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
• Pittsburgh president Frank Coonelly on losing: "It stinks. It's embarrassing, painful and incredibly aggravating." The Pirates: baseball's hemorrhoid.
ESPN's Adam Schefter is once again making untrue statements about The Oakland Raiders, this time regarding Matt Leinart. The Raiders have never discussed trading for Leinart.
The Raiders are very happy about their quarterback situation.
• Go read this excellent little riff on Stephen Strasburg, Mike Marshall, and the dread inverted W.
* * * * *
Good morning.
Wed, 01 Sep 2010 22:45:56 EDT
Finally, A Baseball Fight That Doesn't Disappoint [Mlb]
A night after bowling over the catcher, Nyjer Morgan gets a pitch behind him. Morgan goes after the pitcher, when — BAM! — Gaby Sanchez out of nowhere. This was a good one, folks. [MLB.com]
Wed, 01 Sep 2010 19:10:00 EDT
Now Iran Wants To Wipe Cheerleaders Off The Face Of The Planet [Duan!]
Wearing black leggings and white T-shirts, cheerleaders performed a chaste routine during the Iran-USA game that still wasn't modest enough for some Iranian officials, who either left the arena or turned their backs. Granted, these are not actual American cheerleaders—the different dance troupes hail from Ukraine, Russia, and Lithuania—but let the word ring forth, here and now, that an overdressed cheerleader anywhere in the world is a wronged cheerleader, and America will not stand for it.
How dare Turkey—secular Turkey—curtail international basketball fans' desire for sexy dancing on account of a few Sharia enthusiasts. If I'm going to learn how to spell Sofoklis Schortsanitis for this tournament, or cheer for Omer Asik next year on the Bulls, I sure as shit better get a chance to ogle some Eastern European women during timeouts. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
