Fri, 03 Sep 2010 18:15:36 EDT

5 Things You May Have Missed On TV This Week [Mixed Bag]

In this week's abbreviated, holiday-weekend compilation of pop culture crap, strippers protest a church, Nancy Grace cracks nuts, and Aerosmith's Steven Tyler has an elaborate manicure.

1.) Steven Tyler's manicure
It's leopard print. Actually, the entire story is really awesome. A CNN set manager is a huge Aerosmith fan and in honor of celebrating attending his 100th concert, the network arranged for the guy and his whole family—including his crop-topped wife—to meet the band.


2.) Nancy Grace will smash your nuts.
The new promo spot for her HLN show is perfectly dramatic and crass.


3.) The Insider such a bitch.
The show demonstrated its junior-high level sophistication for backhanded remarks when it made thinly veiled jabs at Jessica Simpson's weight while reporting that she has hired plus-size models for her clothing line. If you listen closely toward the end, there's even a "moo" sound effect. Assholes.


4.) Talk to the hand (puppet).
This week on Big Brother, the house guests were forced to use a hand puppet whenever they spoke. This guy realized quickly that it was his only friend, and he cried himself to sleep while talking to it.


5.) Strippers protest holy rollers.
A dump of a strip club called The Fox Hole in Ohio is regularly protested by the members of one of the churches in town, bordering on harassment. So the strippers have begun using their Sundays to protest the church. And while the idea sounds like it rules, I have a feeling that the strippers will get sick of it really soon, since the congregation has taken it as an opportunity to literally preach to the ladies about "good and evil."

Fri, 03 Sep 2010 15:16:48 EDT

Project Runway: My Best Friend's Wedding [Recaps]

There is something inherently awful about all bridesmaid dresses, but they make for amazingly good TV. And with all the contestants hating one "bride" in particular, it made for an exceptionally fraught reception.

Of course I'm talking about Michael C, who all the designers, good and bad, have decided totally sucks. It must be hard for them that the judges love him and he's won just as many challenges as the evil ogre Gretchen. God she's horrible.

Last night the challenge was to take a bridesmaid dress and reconfigure it into a new outfit that would be modeled by the woman who wore the dress in the first place. This is the "real woman" challenge, but strangely only one of the girls was "real woman" sized. Maybe producers got sick of listening to the designers bitch and found "real women" who are still pretty damn skinny. Speaking of that, here are some other

Things We Hated:

• The Worst Part of Waking Up: Every episode of Runway starts with the designers getting ready and there was always at least one designer we were all waiting to see with his shirt off. This season, not so much. Boring.
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• "Fun and Flirty": Stop saying this! This is the new "old Hollywood glamor." And I hate, "flirty." Flirts are just teases, and if you're not going to put out, I'm not wasting my time with you.
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• Gretchen Needs Her Mommy: Why does Gretchen get a big fancy phone call home on Beyoncé's videophone? She didn't do anything to deserve it. And I hate her for handling Tim Gunn maturely this week after he dissed her last week. Don't go being reasonable Gretchen. I want to keep hating you.
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• The Judges: I was not feeling their selections this week. Are they all blind or something? Can we get Queen Tangerine some Lasik so she stops liking bad dresses?
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Things We Loved:

• Mondo: I feel like Mondo is the Jay McCarroll of this season. He's going to be in the top three a bunch of times but never win and is then going to stun us with a brilliant final collection and win the whole thing. At least I hope that is what happens.
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• "The top is good, but the bottom is hard": Christopher, I couldn't have said it better myself.
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• Public Shaming: I love that they had all the designers talk to regular people in public and hear what they think about their dresses. It's good to get an opinion other than the three same ones they get from the judges and to be able to see people really enjoying what they make. Of course Mondo won, which goes to show that the judges might have loved another dress better, but the public would have bought the fuck out of if.
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• April: I really thought she should have gotten axed the first week, but she's really gotten stronger as the weeks progress. She's a bit of a badass with her own aesthetic. She also didn't fall into the trap of listening to her "client" and making something ugly that would make her happy. I think April had one of the best ensembles of the evening, if only the judges weren't blind.
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• It's a Sabotage: I don't know if Michael C was really sabotaging Ivy, but if he did, then he's fucking brilliant. He did not come here to make friends and he clearly isn't. We always say we want to see talented people and great clothes, but give us a good blood rivalry and we can't look away!
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• Hair Improvements: Between Andy's mohawk and Hiedi's up do, it was the day for tonsorial corrections. Finally, Heidi didn't look like a band member on Jem, in a bad way.
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• Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Marie Claire Magazine Shields Her Eyes: What would Nina say? "The dress! I can't see the dress. The light is blinding me. Someone shut off the lights! Nevermind, I have index cards. Fuck you."
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• "Casanova": The way Heidi says it so smoothly and lusciously makes me so happy every time. It's like a solid stream of butter being poured out of a tiny sterling silver pot onto the tastiest lobster you have ever eaten in your whole life.
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In the end, Peach went home for making something that looked like the ugliest quilt that your grandmother hung over the windows in her double wide in the winter to keep the drafts out. She definitely deserved to be in the bottom along with Michael D and Valerie, who put tit parenthesis on her dress that made her model look like a fat blank in the middle of a sentence. Like this ( ). That's disgusting.

Michael C won, for his black dress that a woman who wears a veil to a private detective's office would love. It was alright, but I wasn't that into it. I liked Mondo's Art Deco black and pink construction better. What I do love is that Michael C is the bane of all the other designer's existence. I don't understand exactly why they hate him. Is it because he's abrasive? He may not know how to sew or make patterns, like they say, but the judges really seem to love him, so he must be doing something right. Even last week when everyone said he should have gone home, the only compliment the judges gave out to the losing team were to things he made. Maybe they should figure out what he's doing right and replicate it instead of demonizing him for being wrong. Still, watching the contentious relationship between him and everyone else is really invigorating this season for me.

As for Christopher, I didn't think he deserved to be in the top at all. I thought Ivy's pleated saffron number with the white pants was gorgeous, as was Aprils short black cocktail dress with the napkin coming out of the boobs. Guess they're going to have to be stuck being bridesmaids and not brides.

Fri, 03 Sep 2010 13:59:58 EDT

Jersey Shore: Girl Versus Girl [Recaps]

For the guidos of Jersey Shore, the most important sociological experiment of our time, the women stick with the women and the men stick with the men. That has changed as the ladies fight and claw with unrestrained viciousness.

Right now, all we can say is, "Wow," in reaction to the footage we saw of our test subjects last night. The dispatches we've been receiving about our eight precious guidos have been a little lackluster ever since their great migration to Miami, but the footage we have to analyze from last night is sure up to the caliber of our previous observations. There were hookups, fights, trannies, cooking, and the return of Snooki's poof. There hasn't been a night like this since late September back in '63.

One of the more important things that we learned might just save your life. We knew that the guido—or any twentysomething, for that matter—is prone to getting debilitatingly wasted, but we didn't know how they dispose of the bodies, as it were. When a guido gets so shitfaced that his hair gets messy and he makes out with Trash Bags in the back of the cab, he must be immediately escorted to bed. If he is allowed to stay upright, he might vomit, and if he vomits then he will have puke breath, a condition that is as dangerous to a guido as sunlight is to a vampire. To prevent this from happening, they are laid down, but there is a very specific posture in which they must be situated.

The guido is to be placed, face down, on the bed and, most importantly, one leg must be hanging off the bed at all times? Why is this? Well, there was a spell placed on The Original Guido (whose name is so sacred it can not be written down on paper or anything that might be mistaken for paper) by an evil witch. This spell says that if the Original Guido or any of his subsequent heirs gets so inebriated that he falls over, the effects of the liquor will be lifted off his body and he will be completely sober again. But how does that translate to one leg being left off the bed? Well, if a drunk person lying in bed has one foot hanging off the mattress and tries to roll over in the middle of the night, he will naturally roll toward the dangling appendage, sending him falling off the bed. Once he hits the ground, he will be immediately sober and free from the terrors of puke breath.

There is nothing a guido hates more than losing a good buzz, so they don't allow each other to fall over and lose their hard-won state of drunkenness unless it is a life or death circumstance. Now, if a person is so drunk that he must be put down and his leg weren't hanging off the bed, he might roll over onto his back and then, if he vomits in his sleep, he will choke on the vomit and die. But even worse than death, he will die with puke breath. This means that his eternal soul will go to the worst hell imaginable. In it everyone is pale with flat hair, saggy skin, and no muscles. All the clothing covers them from head to toe, there is no music or dancing allowed, there is no alcohol to be found and fighting, hooking up, and cursing are banned. Yes, this is the eternal torture that awaits a guido who dies with puke breath.

Now that we have learned the maneuver that not only saves a guido's life but also his eternal soul, let us learn two new words that will help us understand their internal conflicts

• DTS: This stands for "down to snuggle," and is the more innocent euphemism for DTF, or down to fuck. This is the term a male uses for a female because it makes him seem sweet and innocent and like he's really excited to get to first base. Usually the charm works so well that he gets to go all the way. However, to his friends, he would never confess to be DTS because it is a sign of weakness and somewhat quaint. It's like if he said, "Shut the front door," instead of, "Shut the fuck up." Anyway, it helps with the ladies.
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• Shalom: Everyone knows that this is the Hebrew word for hello, goodbye, and welcome home, as the song teaches us. However guidos believe that this is how you say "cheers" in any foreign language, especially if the guido is wearing a sombrero at the time. Whenever they want to seem "classy" they use this word before taking a shot.

Now that we have addressed that, let's say "shalom" to the central conflict at hand: JWOWW versus Sammi. It seems that Sammi is still upset about The Letter she got about Ronnie hooking up with other girls and then coming home to share her bed. Because she's "done" with Ronnie she is taking her frustrations out on the other girls in the house. JWOWW and Snooki take Trash Bags to the beach (after hours and hours of searching for it, because they have never even bothered to travel the two blocks to go there in all their time in Miami) and tell her that she better not tell anyone that they wrote the note and try to convince her that she is as involved as they are. The plan always seemed to be to rope her in and then blame it on her when all the shit went down. Trash Bags keeps going along with it because she doesn't want to be ostracized by the rest of the ladies.

They're still discussing this when they get back to the house and Snooki decides that she's going to do the honorable thing and tell Sammi that she wrote the note, so she sends her newest minion, Trash Bags, in to get Sammi. Before this can happen, The Situation tells Sammi that the girls are talking about her. Because Sammi doesn't like to move all that often and due to the intelligence (ha!) The Situation just gave her, she refuses to get off the couch. This annoys Snooki and she forgets her plan altogether, but it is enough to awaken the evil creature that lives inside of JWOWW.

Now, it's not like JWOWW has a split personality, but when she had her breast augmentation the saline implants were made with water that was taken from a well that was dug on an old Indian burial ground. There was a vicious spirit in that water and once it was placed into JWOWW's body, it started to take over. Whenever there is confrontation or alcohol involved, the spirit awakens and the benevolent, loyal, and fun-loving girl we know as JWOWW loses control to this malevolence. That is why, when Sammi confronts her, she wants to fight for no apparent reason.

And they do have a great verbal altercation and once that dark beast is working JWOWW's body like a sinister puppeteer, it tells Sammi everything. It says that everyone knew about Ronnie and that no one told her that he was cheating on her. Then Ronnie gets involved and says it wasn't even cheating because he was single. Shut up, Ronnie, the girls are fighting right now. Be smart like the other guys and stay out of it. But he can't! Then he accuses the girls of being bad friends because they knew about him cheating and didn't tell Sammi for so long. OK, this is sort of a brilliant strategy, to deflect blame from himself by putting it on Snooki and JWOWW. Brilliant move, Ron Ron.

But Sammi walks away from this fight, pissed that whoever wrote the note won't fess up. Sammi does what is natural for her, she returns to bed to read The Letter for the 6,592,385th time. Nothing on it has changed, Sammi, and it is all true because it is down on paper.

After things calm down a bit and the dark force returns to JWOWW's left breast implant, everyone has a calm discussion about The Letter. Sometimes you just need a flare-up in order to clear the air, and it's nice to see Sammi and Ronnie have the first calm, mature discussion about their circumstance since—well, ever! But Sammi can't forget The Letter, because it is written down on paper, and she can't figure out who did it. She knows, deep down inside that it was Snooki and JWOWW but she wants them to confess. Either that or she is so dim that she can't figure out it was the two of them and is wondering around life completely blind, like Velma from Scooby Doo without her glasses. She can't see anything without her glasses!

When the girls cook dinner—Penne a la Vodka, what else—Sammi refuses to help JWOWW, and even passive aggressively won't touch her food, sticking to the simple iceberg-and-Italian-dressing salad she made herself. Later, at work Sammi tries to convince Trash Bags that they're friends now. See, this puts Trash Bags in a very interesting position. Sammi has no friends, so she has to be friends with Trash Bags. Also, Snooki and JWOWW need her to keep her big trap shut about The Letter, so she's basically in control of the whole dynamic. But she is tired of being SnookWOWW's little bitch and decides she's going to get Sammi wise about the letter.

She decides it's time to play every seventh grade gossip's favorite game, "I"m not going to tell you, but if you guess, I'll say yes." Here is how the conversation went:

"Was it Vinny?" Sammi asks.
"No."
"Was in The Situation?"
"No."
"Was it Enzo, our boss?"
"No."
"Was it you?"
"No. Duh."
"Was it the Duck Phone?"
"Hmm, maybe. But no."
"Was it Vice President Joe Biden?"
"God, no!"
"Was it Guglielmo Marconi, founder of the radio telegraph system?"
"No!"
"Gosh, I don't know."
"Jesus, Sammi! It was Snooki and JWOWW!"
"Really? Huh."

Sammi is pissed that she knows the truth, even though it wasn't written down. So when everyone comes back from the club drunk, she is looking for a brawl. JWOWW was talking to her boyfriend on the phone and said DJ Paulie Drunk was wasted and Trash Bags started talking shit about JWOWW to her new bestie, Sammi. Vinny went and told JWOWW who (despite wearing the uniform she got when she worked for a week as a cocktail waitress at an Indian-themed reservation casino in Oklahoma) decided to confront Trash Bags. Sammi took the opportunity to get involved and make the fight about, what else, The Letter.

Can that evil beast inside of JWOWW fight or what? She clearly wins this fight, even though Sammi connects with a Snooki-caliber punch at the end. We knew Sammi loves to fight with her mouth, but we never thought could actually scrap. This was all we've seen of the fight so far, so we'll have to wait for the aftermath next week.

At least the girls weren't fighting over a boy, but did you notice that, in both cases, they were fighting because of the boys? First, The Situation told Sammi the girls were talking shit, then Vinny told JWOWW that Trash Bags was talking shit—still the capital offense against the Guido Code. It's like the men need the women to be at odds with each other so that they're so preoccupied with their petty squabbles and silly arguments that they stay out of the guys' way when they go out creepin' and hoin' and gettin' wasted.

Speaking of creeping, The Situation caught the eye of a blonde girl at the club—that seems to be his favorite flavor—and convinced her to go home with him. We thought we recognized this girl. Had we seen her dark tan, stingy hair, and flattened rictus before? Had we. Yes! It was Lizzie Grubman. The Situation hooked up with famed PR lady and SUV marauder Lizzie Grubman. He brings her home and puts her in the "smash room," but before that, he has to go eat and smoke a cigarette before hooking up with her. There are so many things in guido culture that are the opposite of ours, and this is one of them. Most men, after successfully completing the act of coitus (premature or otherwise) just want to smoke a cigarette and eat a sandwich. But not our Situation. He gets these things out of the way so that he can fully enjoy his time with (someone who isn't really) Lizzie Grubman.

What a horrible way to treat a lady, especially noted PR executive Lizzie Grubman! He leaves her alone for 20 minutes, gives her a few quick pumps, and then gets her dressed and sends her on her way. And even worse, he makes it seem like he's being sweet for calling her a cab and then celebrates the fact that he got her out of the house so quickly. Wow, it's like he wants a prize for being the most misogynistic or something.

We're sure once Lizzie got to the cab and shook off the post-sex fuzz from her brain that she was really pissed. She tried to overpower the driver and take control of the cab. She wanted to crash it through the front gates of the hotel complex, but she was too week from the exertion of lying underneath The Situation for 48 seconds. But Lizzie had a plan.

Lizzie is great at throwing parties and connecting people, that's why she's in PR. So she threw a great big party and she invited all of our sociological subjects to be there. She also invited her friend Stefani, because she wanted to connect her with The Situation. Stefani has a square jaw, stringy blonde hair, and a deep voice, just like our Lizzie. She was just Sitch's type! But once Sitch took Stefani home, he was in for a, ahem, big surprise.

Yes, Lizzie hired a tranny to seduce The Situation. The whole time they were together, he kept asking Lizzie, "Are you straight? Are you straight?" and that made her think he wasn't. Now, if she can only get a tranny close to him, then he would have sex with the tranny. Once he had sex with the tranny, he would probably end up being gay. The Situation would make a horrible gay-do because, as we have learned, the gay guido is a very confrontational creature who must fight with his mate before he beds him. The Situation is a horrible fighter and, once he realizes he's gay with the help of a tranny, he'll either never get laid again or have to move to Chelsea, stock up on bland polo shirts and khaki cargo shorts and become just another normal, boring gay. No more blinged out clothes, tanning, or eyebrow waxing. No, the gays have dubbed those passe. He'd get to keep the obsession with the gym and the shitty house music though. Regular gays love those.

But The Situation didn't fall for the trap. No, and the guidos have instituted a new rule: If you think there's even a chance the girl is a tranny, then she probably is. This is a very bad policy for the women of the house. Look at them, they have fake body parts, wear trashy clothes, are often in wigs or other hair extensions, plaster on the makeup, are obsessed with self-tanning, and have the aggression of their male counterparts. They're practically trannies! Is this just one more way to torture the guidette, by making her untouchable for any guy who wants to fuck them or is this just a painful double standard? The guidos need to learn to love trannies, because they could learn a lot from each other. They should exist in harmony!

Speaking of living in harmony, Vinny is having a great life these days. He was asleep in his bed when Snooki just leaped in it to join him. He doesn't even need to go out to score pussy anymore, it just comes right to him! We didn't see much of their hookup, but it's the revelations afterward that are, um, impressive.

Way to go Vinny! This is the best endorsement you can get on national television. It seems to be something the women in his immediate circle can sense though. The guidette, if you couldn't tell, is obsessed with size. She wants her hair big, her nails long, and her drinks enormous. She also prefers men who are unnaturally large and muscular. The problem with this is that most juiceheads suffer from penile shrinkage, an unfortunate side effect of steroids. That's why the guidette has developed a sort of sixth sense about men with large endowments. It's not that they can necessarily sniff them out, but they feel a sort of disturbance in their aura when one is nearby and it makes them horny and definitely DTF. That is why Snooki, who climbed into the bed of each of her male roommates, settled on Vinny. Without even touching him below the belt, she knew that he would have the, er, most most meat for sausage and peppers night.

It seems that Trash Bags knows this too, because she is going to be after Vinny in the near future. If only Vinny knew about this power, because then he wouldn't have to try to tempt The Situation's sister, Extenuating Circumstances, with his spray tan, fitted hat, and fake $100,000 blinged out rosary. He would just go and stand by her and say, "Hey!" and she would lose her panties and jump on his jock. Such is the gift of being a guido with a huge dick.

But it does not come without its negative side effects. It seems like the trait of having a huge dick is on the same strand of DNA that creates busy eyebrows and, as DJ Paulie Diagnosis will tell you, that means a propensity for pink eye. Between the attraction of all women—including fat women, from whose vaginas (or vaginae if you're a stickler for Latin) the pink eye virus springs—and the bushy eyebrows, there is a propensity for ocular infection. Thankfully this can be cured by very sexy eye doctors. And once they discover Vinny is Italian, the doctors will first make fun of him for being pale and then throw themselves at him and his enormous schlong. See, even with the disease come the benefits.

Alright, folks, until next week! I'm done.

Fri, 03 Sep 2010 11:08:59 EDT

Jay Leno's Tonight Show Has Lowest Ratings Ever [Television]

Though he's gained on him overall, Leno's lost 23% of Conan O'Brien's share of the coveted 18-49 y.o. demographic. All told, these are the worst ratings Tonight has had since it premiered, in the late 1850s. Still beating Letterman, though.

Fri, 03 Sep 2010 10:30:43 EDT

Which Tween Star Ended Her Pregnancy? [Blind Items]

Her married lover convinced her she was too young to be a mother. This aging rocker hits on his granddaughter's friends and a fantastic item about cast members of 90210 and Saved by the Bell. Everyone's living in the past!

1. "You probably won't watch this show if you are over the age of thirty, but you would know the name of the girl involved. She is just so sweet and innocent looking, it's hard to believe that she is pregnant. Or, rather, was pregnant. The father of the baby—who is a person of responsibility in the actress' world—had to beg and plead with her to give up the thought of becoming a mother at such a young age. Oh, and if his wife had known about this, she probably would have agreed." [Blind Gossip]

2. "This aging, near elderly male musician/rock legend is still picking up women much younger than himself. At first he met girls through his daughter, who would bring friends home. Now he's hitting on the friends of his granddaughter, who he lets throw lavish parties at his home for this purpose. As far as we know, the girls are legal, but barely." [BuzzFoto]

3. "In honor of 90210 day, I bring to you one of my favorite blind items from the past. This one I wrote in January of 2008, so that will hopefully explain The Time references. Now I want to hear The Bird. I can't even type their name without singing that song. Anyway, this blind is all about 90210.

January 24, 2008—So a little change of pace. After I saw that The Time was going to play the Grammy Awards it got me thinking about a time when I was just starting out. I used to promote concerts to get through school. This was when little guys still could do it and corporations had not swallowed up every possible venue. I had promoted The Time two or three times and made some money. I had got to know some of the group and once we happened to be in Las Vegas at the same time. They invited me to their show and to a party they were having after. I want to say they were playing at the Riviera, but I can't remember. I think it was because this was when Frank Sinatra was still alive and I remember thinking I had seen him play in the same room a week earlier and how crazy Vegas is that two totally different acts can both pack in a crowd. Of course Sinatra tickets were three times the price of The Time tickets.

Anyway, after the show, we went to a club or two, but this was still the older Vegas. Excalibur was the only big new hotel. Everything else was still to come. The clubs were still very rough around the edges. Very rough. So, after seeing a possible stabbing death at the second club we went to, we decided to head back to the hotel and one of their suites. I don't remember anyone calling anyone but all of a sudden the place was absolutely packed. Packed like it took you five full minutes to make your way across the room from one side to the other.

There was one clear area though and it was this big glass table. It was probably seven feet long and three feet wide. Sitting around the table were people basically two deep. The top of the table was covered in coke. I had seen people do coke before and thought I had seen a lot on a table before, but this was the most ever. None of the guys from The Time were touching it. I do remember that. BUT, I do remember that there were two people from this brand new television show called Beverly Hills 90210 who were sucking coke down like someone was trying to steal it from them. Most people were being very patient and chatting in between lines. Not these two. One female and one male were all over it. They were outdone in their zest for the drug only by this actress from Saved By The Bell. I honestly thought they were going to fight for it. Later, after the crowd had thinned I saw the male from 90210 and the actress from Saved By The Bell getting it on in a corner. She was pretty hot, I have to tell you. The guy I remember was very sweaty. The actress from 90210 never left the coke. Ever. Not until it was all gone. Then she got up, and left. Didn't say goodbye or anything. Just walked out and left. Hell of a night." [CDaN]

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 14:03:24 EDT

Shocking Revelation: There Is Another Olsen Sister [Trade Roundup]

It's true. Yoda has looked up to the heavens and declared this true. Also today: up-and-comer Anthony Mackie lands another role, a promising movie stalls out, Tom Cruise gets a sexy sidekick for his next Mission, and Twilight news.

Hurt Locker star and Julliard grad Anthony Mackie has signed on to Man on a Ledge, a cop thriller about a... man on a ledge. A cop on a ledge, to be specific! Sam Worthington will star. I guess as the cop? It's about the cop and the lady psychologist who tries to talk him down. So is Mackie playing the lady? Is he playing the ledge? Oh, there's a better title for this movie! The Lady and the Ledge. Wrap that shit up as a romantic thriller, and you got boyfriends and their girlfriends in those movie seats. It's like how they should release a movie called Nicholas Sparks' Doom Fuck. It'd be a Nicholas Sparks movie, sure, but what guy wouldn't want to see a movie called Doom Fuck? You'd be half-crazy to not want to see that movie! It's also like how Tyler Perry should release Tyler Perry Presents: Paul Rudd. White people would totally see that movie! There would be harmony everywhere. [Variety]

Oh here's some sexy news. Paula Patton, who played the encouraging lesbian teacher in Precious, has officially joined the cast of Mission Impossible 4: The Secret of Bear Mountain. She'll be playing a young operative working with Cruise and his new life partner, Jeremy Renner. Presumably Patton would stay on with this franchise if it does well, as the fourth picture is being treated as a reboot of the whole thing. It's actually not even going to be called Mission: Impossible 4. There's no official title yet. So what might they call it? Just Mission: Impossible again? That seems silly. Since cartoon director Brad Bird is directing it, maybe they will try to appeal to kids? Mission: Funpossible. Maybe they will focus on the sexy new lady. Patton Leather. Or maybe it's going to be some gritty, low-budge porn. Cruise's Missile. What do you think? [Deadline]

An Australian actress named Jessica McNamee has been cast as Rachel McAdams' sister in The Vow, that movie about the car accident amnesia lady and the devoted husband (animate pencil eraser Channing Tatum) who nurses her back to health. So, good for her. And, heh, "McNamee". I find that funny. "What's that book you're writing?" "It's a book of baby names, actually." "Ohhh well la di da, Mrs. McNamee." On Grey's Anatomy there's a cute new doctor named Harrison Shane Welter-Waxman-Wright and Meredith and the ghost of Katherine Heigl call him "Dr. McNamee", because of all his names. So. Those are jokes made on Gawker.com today. McNamee jokes. Happy hurricane. [THR]

WHAAA???? There's another Olsen???? Apparently there is! Her name is Elizabeth Olsen and she is the younger sister of famous gremlin twins Kate & Mary-Ashley. Isn't that crazy?? And she's an actress now, it would seem. She's just been cast alongside John Hawkes (workin' like a fool these days, he is), Sarah Paulson, Brady Corbet, and Hugh Dancy in an indie called Martha Marcy May Marlene, about a girl who escapes a cult and goes to live with her uncle. Sounds kind of interesting. Not as interesting as the sheer fact of this mysterious and shadowy Olsen sister, though. I've written several biographies of the scarecrow twins, and I had no idea there was another, lurking in the dark recesses of their twin mansions. Sure, she's not a triplet or whatever, but still. She exists, and she's acting. She's in another movie, that Catherine Keener/Jane Fonda Peace, Love, & Misunderstanding thing. Heavens above isn't the world strange sometimes. [The Wrap]

Oh noes. Amazing genius Alfonso Cuaron's next film Gravity, about a woman stranded alone in a space station, may be in jeopardy because stupid old Angelina Jolie has passed on it, a second time. Because the movie is mostly one lady (Robert Downey Jr. dies in the beginning, spoiler) and it has a big ($80M) budget, Warner Bros. is worried about finding a bankable-enough actress to carry it. Apparently they tested: "Sandra Bullock and Natalie Portman (word around town is the studio's intrigued with both), Naomi Watts, Marion Cotillard, Carey Mulligan, Scarlett Johansson, Sienna Miller, Abbie Cornish, Rebecca Hall, Olivia Wilde, Blake Lively". Ha, what? Only like... one of those people is bankable, and it's the first one. Sandra Bullock in a Cuaron movie? That could be very interesting! I just want him to make movies forever, all the time, don't you? What's your deal, Angelmina? Why you gotta ruin everything? [Deadline]

Interesting. Rami Malek, who is beguilingly attractive in a very strange way, has joined the cast of the final installment of Stephenie Meyers' vampire slash-fiction epic, Breakin': Dawn, about vampire breakdancers who have to stop breakdancing because dawn is coming. Then everyone says Mormon prayers and fastens their magic underpants and goes to bed. Malek, who was recently on The Pacific and played a weird gay character on the excruciatingly bad (but oddly compelling) sitcom The War at Home (so much war, Rami!), will play an Egyptian sexvampyr who stands up next to (very close to) Edvard Cullven IX in the battle against Dakota Fanning and her band of gay acrobats. Sounds exciting! But not as exciting as the climax, when Bella finally achieves orgasm and the entire valley of Armageddon is blown to smithereens and all that's left is a naked wereboy showering and Stephenie Meyer, as herself, sauntering up to him in an ankle-length dress. Sweet and sexy. [EW]

[Image: Getty]

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 13:19:24 EDT

Today Is the Day We Honor Beverly Hills 90210 [Nostalgia]

Due to a happy accident of the calendar, today is 9/02/10, and diehard fans are using it as an excuse to celebrate the quintessential '90s drama, Beverly Hills 90210. It's time we have our own discussion about the show.

For members of a certain generation, 90210 was our first brush with pop culture obsession. Kicking off in '90 on the still-fledgling Fox network, the show was a scrubbed-clean soap opera from the genius mind of Aaron Spelling and Darren Starr about a pair of twins who come from the simple life in Minnesota to the racy world of Beverly Hills. Enrolled at West Beverly High School, Brandon and Brenda Walsh were the aw-shucks foils to the fast-living teens that soon made up their circle of friends. There was celebrity spawn Steve, party girl Kelly, bad boy Dylan, dim but sweet virgin Donna, striving freshman David, some kid in a cowboy hat who got shot, and Andrea, the brainy editor of the school paper who lived on the wrong side of the tracks and lied about her address to get into the good school. How boringly earnest.

When 90210 started, it was one of the lowest-rated shows on the air. Teenagers slowly started tuning into the show, though, and helped take it from the brink of cancellation to the center of the pop culture universe. For many of us, this was our first brush with the power of youth culture. Instead of adults telling us what to watch, teens all over the country made their voices heard and tuned into the show, turning what could have been a long-forgotten series into a pop culture obsession. We made the boys into heartthrobs and the girls into heroes. We put their likenesses on T-shirts, trading cards, Trapper Keepers, and anything else with a flat surface. Saving this show meant we had a voice, a bit of control over the vast sea of programming that ends up on the television.

And then we grew up with them. We went off to college, we got boyfriends and girlfriends, found ourselves at the center of love triangles, started careers, thought we, too, might have gotten pregnant while losing our virginity on prom night, faced disappointments, and dated a really hot artist with a cocaine problem. We did everything together, but they did it with better outfits.

And they also did it with some crazy plots. Starting with Brenda Walsh's bitchy turn to the dark side, there was always a lovable villainess on the show to hate even while rooting for her. Things went over the top quickly, but that's just what we craved, a world unlike our own, fraught with peril and extravagance, something that was just out of reach but really a burnished version of what we were experiencing ourselves.

90210 lasted for a solid decade, but even before it went off the air, it was already in syndication. Watching reruns of 90210 was like instant nostalgia, reliving the rites of passage that happened just a few years earlier with what seemed like the wise distance of adulthood. It also introduced the show to those younger than us, giving them the same connection with the show that we once had, even though it was with an added dose of irony. But it's thanks to them that there's an all-new 90210 that has also learned to trade in serious issues, bitchy chicks and outlandish developments.

There are some questions about the original 90210 that will never die. Who should Kelly have chosen: Dylan or Brandon? Who was the best bitch: Brenda Walsh, Valerie Malone, or dark horse Gina Kincaid? Does it still bother you that the people playing high schoolers were clearly in their 20s and 30s? Which do you prefer, the original Peach Pit or Peach Pit After Dark? Can you actually walk into a convenience story and ask to only buy one egg? Were long sideburns and bushy bangs ever a good idea? Why the hell was Brandon working all the time and trying to save money when everyone else was rich? Was the world out to get him? What the hell ever happened to poor Emily Valentine, the best ex-girlfriend ever on primetime television? Why was it so damn important that Donna Martin graduate? Wasn't that just a bunch of rich kids trying to bend the rules based on what made them feel good?

These are the questions of our age, and we invite you to debate them in the comments. Also tell us your favorite episodes, treasured moments, favorite characters, and just about anything else 90210-related that comes into your pretty little head. Be sure to include pictures and YouTube videos when possible. Together we will claim this day for our youth, ourselves, for 90210, and the duh-nun-duh-nun, duh-nun-duh-nun tap tap that beats in the hearts of everyone.

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 11:39:40 EDT

Top Chef: In a Galaxy Far, Far Away [Recaps]

Oyez! Oyez! Oyez! All persons having interest in Top Chef Season 7 D.C., are admonished to draw near and give their attention, for the season is now screening. God save the faltering and the kind.

Stately, plump Kevin Sbraga came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed. A white wifebeater, ungirdled, was sustained gently behind him on the mild morning air. He held the bowl aloft and intoned:

I didn't think I'd make this far!

Trust us, Sbraga, we didn't either. Sbraga's puny features on his pudgy face wrinkled like crinoline in the mirror as he straight-razored his small filthy hairs into the drain. In another room Tiffany ominously packed away her Dopp kit. Ed traipsed about, in search of his yellow nightie. Kelly smoked—filthy habit—and Angelo opened up. He had been married, it turns out, to a proud Asian woman with whom he has a son. But her proud family disapproved of his profession and this weighty shame had poisoned the marriage. Sosa got divorced last year. That explains the son, the strangeness and the mail order bride. Feelings for Angelo—at least in my heart—turned a corner. Angelo at that moment became Shmangelo, just another nutter trying to get by. Vulnerability is like cologne: A little is alluring, a lot is repulsive.

As the sun crests over the Tidal Basin, five contestants are left. When it would set, only four would be. Ms. Padma Lakshmi appears in the kitchen next to Food & Wine Editor Dana Cowin and a table laden with wine. Lakshmi wore a rather fetching grey blazer with contrasting black shawl collar as if she had come from an Annie Hall party or perhaps a heart-warming all-lady version of Dead Poets Society, recast in a continuing education program at American University? O Captain, My Captain! (Speaking of Robin Williams, Old Dogs was on right before Top Chef. Between that and Teen Mom, 9:30-10:00 might be the most depressing half hour of television in America, an I.V. drip of tainted mental morphine.) For this refreshingly brand-free Quickfire, contestants had to pair wine with food. This challenge uncovered a number of things: the contestant's deep ignorance of wine and also what "pairing" means. Evidently, it means "cooking with" and so the merry five poured wine in and around their proteins willy-nilly hurly burly şöyle böyle. Sbraga picked Merlot and in his static-y radio silent brain decided to slow braise pork belly in an hour. He threw the fatty stuff in a pressure cooker—good idea—but with a few minutes left, opened it to check—bad idea—thus relieving the pressure and revealing his own failure. He made small quail legs instead. There is something so obscene about his big hands touching tender quail legs like an old mattress on the banks of a tranquil childhood swimming hole.

Shmiffany and Shmangelo vied for top seat and a trip to Lon-DON, a city in the UK that Padma can not not pronounce in a silly English accent. Shmangelo won not only the Quickfire and a trip to Lon-DON but retrieved his confidence which had hitherto been kept in the Washington D.C. Hilton's Lost and Found, next to wedding rings taken off and placed on bedside tables during extramarital trysts, and then left in panicked post-coital haste.

Now we're at NASA's Goddard Space Flight Center, a place so secretive even access to its website is forbidden. Why? It might have something to do with GSFC being home to the archetypal Lady Scientist Stereotype, the fragile lab-coated mold from which all other Lady Scientists are cast. She's like the The Boy in the Plastic Bubble, can't go out or she'll be crushed. Years spent in NASA's zero gravity HQ have weakened her bones and teeth. (Speaking of John Travolta, how did he go from this to this? Surely it can't simply be the ravages of time. Age begets dignity, doesn't it? DOESN'T IT?!?!) Anyway, LSS has braces, serious H.R. Giger-grade braces that don't do well being illumined from underneath. Neither does Colicchio's soul patch, incidentally. In fact, underlighting is always underminery. Remember Jill Greenberg's photos of McCain for The Atlantic?

Two real astronauts speak to the contestants via videolink. Something I didn't realize about space is the gravitational time dilation, the effect of time passing slower in space. It turns out it's still the early '90s up there in space and Burger King chic—a maroon polo tucked into khakis—is all the rage. Space: Have it Your Way. The astronauts unpack their lunches which float about in space like beads of Dial Nutriskin or the cranberries in Smirnoff's Cranberry and Lime spritzers. The challenge is to make freeze-dried food. Wait, is it? No. It's to make food that could be freeze-dried. Confusing just as space is confusing.

To Whole Foods our lads and lasses merrily go, pipin' The Nut-Brown Maiden as they jump into a Toyota Avalon that will be the bounty for the challenge's winner. This of course occasions rapture much more enthusiastic than what the Toyota Avalon—nice reliable car though it be—deserves. Shmangelo drives it and does a horrendous job parking. Eddie runs to the spice aisle. Kevin blathers on about how he comes from a long line of freeze-dried chefs. Tiffany gets the freshest white fish they have and lots of mussels. And Kelly does something, who knows what? She kind of just takes up space, that one, inoffensively like an expensive understated floor lamp or a nice desk. Kelly Liken is the nice desk of this show.

In the kitchen again, Tiffany places her mussels to cool in a Monogram fridge. Don't forget it: It's a Monogram fridge. Monogram embroidered into our brains like they were nothing but soft spun terry-cloth towels. Kelly places a penholder and a Dell on her back—Bics of burden—and rolls an Aeron Executive chair beneath her midsection. She'll just stay there for a while, in the corner. Eduardo makes a complicated Moroccan lamb dish. Tiffany laughs uncontrollably—as she has of late—as Beard Award-winning chef Tom Colicchio approaches. Emmy Award-winning chef Tom gives Shmangelo a deeply suspicious look when Shmangelo says "short ribs" to which Shmangelo responds by mugging for the camera a la Tim in The Office.

"Why the look?"

"Oh, no reason"

"No, seriously, why the look?"

"No reason"

"Why give me a look like that if you aren't going to explain why you gave it to me?"

[Walks away]

It's like a failing marriage. Ouch, too soon. Shmangelo continues, softly muttering to himself. Kelly gets dusty and is wiped off. Kevin tells the camera, "I guarantee I want to be here more than anyone else." Hmm, dubious! Tiffany approaches the Monogram fridge to retrieve her mussels. The mussels are dead, frozen to death by an uncontrollable appliance. The Monogram fridge has failed her. The Monogram fridge has betrayed her. Intemperate and unable to regulate its temperature, the Monogram fridge has ruined her mussels. Major Tiff to Ground Control. Major Tiff to Ground Control. Your circuit's dead, there's something wrong.

Judges' Table tonight is a pretty heavy-duty cast: Buzz Aldrin, second man (first loser) on the moon; Tony Bourdain, wearing a black-and-scarlet ensemble to make Hester Prynne proud; Eric "The Ripper" Ripert; that astronaut lady who wore diapers and went crazy (kidding); a dashing male astronaut with mustache named Leland Melvin who came to aeronautics after playing for the Toronto Argonauts, a football team, and Lady Scientist Stereotype. The dishes were all pretty good and all demerits were given largely on the basis of whether or not the food would or could be successfully freeze dried. Largely the answer was no since the things that make dishes good—a rich lustrous and generous sauce, crispy texture, nice portions of meat—do not hold up to freeze drying well. Ripper found fault with the complexity of Eddie's dish. Tony mounted a stout defense. The LSS was a downer—duh!—because what else would she be?

In the end, Angelo beat out Kevin's lack of creative will; Kelly's desk-like Provençal classic and Tiffany's atrophied mussel-less fish. It was nice to see his mojo working again and a much different experience after realizing he's less conniving than simply nutty. What happened next though sucked all the joy from the room, kitchen, world. Sunk by her lack of mussels—to cut the broth and to lend depth of flavor—Tiffany was sent home. Sunk by the avarice of the producers and the ineptitude of GE's refrigeration division, she was declaimed and exiled. Things I never want to see again: Tiffany cry, her eyes pink and bloodshot and that thousand-watt smile dimmed. Things I can't wait to see: watching Kevin Sbraga's eyebrows raise like a mountain in surprise, when he's told to pack his knives and then deepen into an angry valley as he storms, cursing and crying no doubt, back to Rat's and from our eyes forever.

[Video by Whitney Jefferson]

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 10:32:07 EDT

Which Couple Broke up Because of Milkshakes? [Blind Items]

Her milkshake didn't bring the boy to the yard, because he dumped her. This tennis star is bedding a real princess, this singer does interviews wasted, and a TV star lies about her diet. Maybe she should try milkshakes?

1. "Today's Blind is hilarious! Remember when we told you about two celebs who broke up and one star had his mom call the thing off with his girlfriend? Well, it turns out the whole thing started when the couple were making milkshakes. The two were at home, and the girlfriend was making chocolate milkshakes for both of them. The male star claimed he didn't want peanut butter in his milkshake and when his girlfriend put it in anyway, he was furious, threw the milkshake on the ground and went home crying to mama." [BuzzFoto]

2. "In honor of the US Open, I will offer up this tennis blind. This Top 25 foreign born men's player is currently having an affair with a married Princess of a Northern European country." [CDaN]

3. "Which singer got so wasted before a recent interview that the journalist decided to call it a day after only a few questions? At best, they received just a few monosyllabic grunts." [UK Mirror]

4. "The TV girl claims to have lost weight through discipline and portion control. Seems like she forgot to mention the part where she had lap band surgery. Which, incidentally, is exactly the same surgery her husband had to lose weight. We really shouldn't be so surprised that she is lying about this. After all, her family has a way of shaving the truth on everything. Oh, and if f she still needs to lose a tiny bit more weight, she really should consider the trunk diet. It's where you are bound and gagged and placed naked in the trunk of a car for a few days until you lose weight or die. Whichever comes first." [Blind Gossip]

Wed, 01 Sep 2010 16:35:38 EDT

Jamie Foxx To Exact Sketch Comedy Revenge On Us All [Trade Roundup]

We really should have gone to see Law Abiding Citizen! We really should have. Also today: Somehow a young filmmaker gets his shot, casting news for two Showtime shows, and renewal news for two TNT series.

It's so nice to hear a Hollywood success story. A young fellow named Sam Levinson has overcome the hardship of his dad being famous movie director Barry Levinson and will, against all odds, direct his own movie at the spriggy age of 25. Levinson (who is one of the two younger men in this photo) has written and will direct a picture called The Reasonable Bunch, about, get this, a "chaotic family wedding". Sweet new idea, Sam! He's somehow assembled quite a cast too. Ezra Miller, Thomas Haden Church, Kate Bosworth, the Ellens Burstyn and Barkin, and Dame Demi Moore. I just can't wait to see what someone does with that cast and that where-did-he-come-up-with-that-one idea about a crazy family wedding. Wow. Quite a story, huh? It's amazing what some people can do in this country with a little elbow grease, huh? [Variety]

Talk about packin' heat! Talk about things that keep getting longer! Talk about things looking up! You know, just talk about things. While you're talking about things, I'm going to type that Hung, HBO's way-better-than-its-title show about a male prostitute, has been renewed for a third season. So yay for Jane Adams and Anne Heche and Rebecca Creskoff, who are all terrific on the show. And, I guess, yay for Thomas Jane, who I still just can't quite figure out. [THR]

J.J. Abrams and longtime Lost writer Elizabeth Sarnoff are teaming up to create a show called Alcatraz, which is about the famous prison that floats ominously in the Pacific Ocean, changing locations every century or so. Currently it's in the shark-infested San Francisco Bay, but who knows where it could end up next. Maybe out by Pukapuka Island. Anyway, any other details of the show are being kept under wraps for the time being. Maybe it will be pitched to CBS as a sitcom about two wacky mismatched pals — Nicolas Cage and Sean Connery — who end up falling in love with the island of Alcatraz after traveling there to kill Ed Harris and have to put up with each other as reluctant, but deep down friendly, islandmates. Or maybe they'll pitch it to ABC Family and it could be The 'Traz, about a futuristic island prison for teens who fight against a group of bad adults called The Analogs, who want to ban use of the Cyberverse forever. Or maybe they'll pitch it to ABC and it will be about people reopening Alcatraz to house really dangerous criminals and maybe one woman prison guard who has to hold the whole thing together. I dunno. I'm hoping for some mix of the Sean Connery one and The 'Traz. [Deadline]

Eddie Izzard and Frances Conroy have both been cast on United States of Tara, Izzard for eight episodes and Conroy for just one lonely one. Interestingly, the one-off character sounds more interesting: Conroy will play Jon Corbett's crazy hoarder mother. Izzard's playing a psychology professor who becomes obsessed with the curious case of Tara Gregson. Oh whatever. Tara is like the least interesting person on that show by a Kentucky mile. Let's have more Marshall and Patton Oswalt and the sister and Joey Lauren Adams. Tara with her dumb personalities and stuff. Nuts to them. Nuts to them everywhere. I guess I'm interested in the central mystery or whatever, but mostly I want to watch Marshall fall in love with boys and maybe watch the sister fall down the stairs. That would be pretty satisfying, the daughter falling down the stairs. If not to this show, maybe they can add a stairs-falling-down element to Sean Connery Presents: The 'Traz. You getting all this, Sarnoff? This is gold. [EW]

Here's a sentence no one ever wants to hear: "They've given Jamie Foxx a television show." Yyyarghhh, noooo! Want to hear an even worse sentence? "They've given Jamie Foxx a sketch comedy television show on Fox." BLISTERCATS, THAT'S AWFUL. It's not immediately clear if Jamie Foxx will actually be on The Jamie Foxx Project, or if he's just producing and will occasionally show up to do LaWanda. Also: "Project". Ugh. Can we stop naming things "The ____ Project" just because we can't think of a better title? It means absolutely nothing. For example. What is this project that Rachel Zoe is working on? Is she getting ready for the science fair? "Brad!! We have to get more bananas for this experiment!!! Brad!!" And then she finds Brad curled up dead in a potted plant and she sighs and puts him out on the curb. Sad. Anyway. Jamie Foxx, ladies and gentlemen. [Deadline]

Some tidbits! Memphis Beat, TNT's show about police officers, has been renewed for a second season. This comes shortly after the news that Rizzoli & Isles, TNT's show about police officers, has also been renewed for second go-around. Though Jason Lee is (was?) a Scientologist and named his kid Pilot Inspektor, Angie Harmon likes Carrie Prejean and Sarah Palin, so Ima root for Lee on this one. [THR] Joan Cusack, sister of known Satanist John (and occasional actress Ann), has been cast to replace Allison Janney in the new Showtime show Shameless. That is shocking. I am shocked. Well, actually, that's not that shocking. I am not that shocked. Cusack is a pretty good swap-in for Janney. [The Wrap]

Wed, 01 Sep 2010 14:13:59 EDT

This Week In Tabloids: Ashton Cheats On Demi [Midweek Madness]

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Margaret and I tip the celebrity weeklies after gorging on gossip. This week, when Shiloh isn't tearing Brad and Angie apart, she's clawing at Zahara. And Ashton totally made out with some blonde.

Ok!
"Teen Mom: I'm Broke"
On the August 17th episode of Teen Mom, Farrah Abraham was the victim of an online scam, and that is the gist of this story — shit that happened on TV last week. Farrah says stuff like: "Usually my parents would help me, but since I'm not talking to them, I have to do this on my own." She says she's not speaking to her mom and her dad has no money. Also, she reveals that she has no idea where to sign a check — she once filled out the dollar amount on the date line. Sad! Farrah says: "I only have one hundred and some dollars right now, and that needs to last me a month." Didn't Ok! buy you lunch or something? And don't you get paid for being on MTV? Anyway. Moving on. Hilary Duff talked to the mag about whether she's gonna get right on having those babies, and it seems as if she is not headed in that direction at the moment. "We want to enjoy ourselves. We have such busy lives, and we spend a lot of time apart. We want to wait at least one more summer for that." Check out this spread in which Ok! tries to prove how celebrity-friendly it is — and reminds us of all the folks they paid for exclusives. These are supposedly the "biggest moments" in the stars' lives… So what are the Twilight "Yes They're In Love" cover, the Kate Gosselin "How I Lost 10 Lbs In 10 Days" cover and Kendra's "My Body After Baby" doing here? (see image 7). Finally: Chris Colfer from Glee had to use the bathroom on set, and the assistant director said, "Oh, the bathroom is right around the corner." But when Chris went to the bathroom, the toilet wouldn't flush and the sink wasn't working… and when he looked up, there was no ceiling. Kurt realized he'd urinated on the set of Monk!
Grade: F (10¢ tip on $1,000 check)

Us
"Second Chance At Love"
Maci from Teen Mom has a long distance boyfriend, and that is the point of this six-page feature that we merely skimmed. Because like, really. She says: "I just try to keep busy, and appreciate the time I do spend with [him]." Scintillating! Moving on: For some reason, we feel defensive about Jessica Simpson's body. So this "Jessica Simpson: Another Style No-No" item is irritating! The dress is pretty, and if her "undergarments are adding bulk," as the copy claims, we didn't notice it. Some stylist says the dress should be navy or black, because clearly, when you're a big old fatty like Jess, you can't wear brights (see image 8). Meanwhile, Ashlee Simpson's son Bronx loves singing along to Jay-Z. Finally, your feel-good story of the day: A New Orleans resident recently got stranded on the road when her car ran out of fuel. "Desperate for some gas money, she approached a man sitting on his beat-up bicycle on a nearby street corner. As the rider pulled out a $10 bill, she was stunned to realize her good Samaritan was Brad Pitt. 'Been there myself,' he said."
Grade: F ($1 tip on $100 check)

In Touch
"How I Blew $11 Million"
This whole thing is misleading, because Teresa Giudice didn't really spend $11 million, from what we can gather. She's sad that she's been mocked for her lavish tastes, and she knows that her $60,00 spending spree — right after her husband filed for bankruptcy — didn't win her many supporters. But. Joe explains his business's bankruptcy thusly: "It was tenants not paying rent, and it was a bad situation with my business partner." Teresa says their home was never in foreclosure… But admits she would often spend $10,000 a month on her American Express card. Yet! There's a silver lining to the bankruptcy stuff: "It has brought us closer together." Also, Teresa denies that Joe is cheating on her and says "we're very happy." Next: "Just how well is Kate Gosselin's bodyguard Steve Neild guarding her body?" Very well. They are "growing increasingly intimate." Britney Spears and Jason Trawick are "in love and in shape." He's lost about 30 lbs. (see image 9) and they've both cut out junk food. Brit has traded her Frappucinos for iced coffee with skim milk, and and "now they both look so hot they can't keep their hands off each other." In Brangelina news, "Now that Brad Pitt is smoking hot again, Angelina Jolie is terrified she'll lose him." See, Angelina always thought the gray beard was "sexy." But "now that he's fit and looking great, it adds some competition for her." No one can be hotter than Angie! That's why Shiloh is a boy! By the by, "Brad's born-again sex appeal isn't the only thing stressing" Angelina out. The kids are "very eccentric" — Maddox and Pax have secret hideouts and sometimes Angie and Brad can't find them for hours; Shiloh and Zahara are "constantly warring" with lots of scratching and hair pulling. Yawn. Kourtney Kardashian and Scott "American Psycho" Disick are separated, not that we care. Jesse James is "humiliating" Sandra Bullock again by dating Kat Von D; he's "pouring salt on the wound by gallivanting around Austin" with his new girlfriend. Jim Toth has been shopping for the perfect engagement ring for Reese Witherspoon. Jessica Simpson is now a vegan, because her boyfriend Eric Johnson is vegan. She can "barely boil water," but has learned to make vegan lasagna. Last: Ali Fedotowsky and Roberto Martinez have made a "secret pact" to stay together until they each make a million dollars from appearances. "They do really like each other, but aren't as in love as they claim," says an insider.
Grade: D- ($5 tip on $500 check)

Life & Style
"The Fight Over Shiloh"
Apparently Brad is angry, because while Angelina has been promoting Salt, she keeps mentioning stuff about Shiloh wanting to be a boy — and fails to talk about the other kids. Brad feels that Shiloh is getting too much attention at the expense of the other children. Remember when Angelina said something about not being as connected to Shiloh because she wasn't disadvantaged? Or feeling like the other kids needed her more? Well now she loves Shiloh too much. Margaret says, "There's no way for her to appropriately love Shiloh." The mag reads: "Brad's right to worry. After all, older kids Madox, 9, Pax, 6, and Zahara, 5 — who may be reading interviews their mom gives — would be heartbroken to see themselves left out." We think Maddox is probably a Vanity Fair subscriber, so this may be accurate. But seriously — are we supposed to believe that Shiloh and Zahara's scratchy, hair-pulling fights are over who lands the cover of Life & Style??? Next: Some dude from the Bachelorette, Jesse Csincsak got a "happy ending" when he married his girlfriend, Ann Lueders. "I'm Lindsay Lohan's Sister" is a two-page spread from 15-year-old Ashley Horn, whom you may have met before via some gossip mag. Allegedly, her father is Michael Lohan, but she has never met him — or Lindsay. (In a court hearing in 2008, Michael Lohan failed to show up for a paternity test, and the judge ruled that his name could be added to Ashley's birth certificate, but we don't actually have proof that this girl is a Lohan.) Still, the mag asked Ashley about Lindsay being in jail and rehab. Ashley says: "I wanted to help Lindsay in some way, but what was I supposed to do? I don't even know how to contact her." Twitter! Duh. Oh, and by the way: Ashley would like to pursue an acting career. Of course. Moving on, Cameron Diaz was overheard referring to A-Rod as her "boyfriend." And last but not least: When she eats at trendy downtown restaurant Da Silvano Rihanna only leaves a $40 tip on a $400 bill.
Grade: D- ($40 tip on $400 check)

Star
"50 Best & Best Beach Bodies"
This week, Star had ZERO blind items. They seem to have discontinued that feature, which we really enjoyed. And if it seems like we JUST had a "Best And Worst Beach Bodies" issue from Star, it's because we did! The mag which hit stands on May 12 had 46 best and worst bodies; today we have FIFTY. Four more bodies to ogle! It's an interesting tactic: Labor Day is coming up, folks want beach reading, and there just HAPPEN to be lots and lots of pictures of celebs on vacation. But here's something you should know: There are only 49 pictures of celebrities in swimsuits — spread over 14 pages. Not 50. We counted. So these people are cheating you ONE WHOLE BEACH BODY. DEMAND JUSTICE. There are lots of "good" beach bodies, including Kim Kardashian, Britney Spears, Rihanna, Lady Gaga and Jenna Ushkowitz, who get called "gorgeously curvy." But: Uma Thurman has a "bulging belly." Kat Von D "could seriously use a tan — and all those tattoos clash with her bikini." Kate Moss has a "surprisingly flabby middle." Vienna from The Bachelor has "cottage cheek" — aka cellulite dimples. Mary. J. Blige has a "bum deal" — aka "a bit of cellulite." Matt Damon is "doughy." Snooki has "too much skin squeezing out of the sides" of her monokini, and Sarah Silverman's swimsuit has a "frumpy cut." Also inside: Heidi Montag's swelling has gone down and "she almost looks natural now!" (see image 10). Last week we heard that Glee's Mark Salliing and Naya Rivera were feuding — and that she keyed his car — but it seems like all is well (see image 11). Emma Roberts is "growing up too fast" because she was drunk at some club in Ann Arbor. In high school, Kim Kardashian was voted "most likely to meet her husband at the Million Man March." She likes black guys. WE GET IT. A source claims that Liam Hemsworth used Miley Cyrus — he "bragged to pals" that dating Miley was "making his career hotter." A source spills: "Everyone was kind of suspicious of him — except Miley. She'd just gush about how cute he is." Glee's Jenna Ushkowitz and Kevin McHale were at an event when they snuck off to cuddle. Love them! A weight loss expert who does not treat Jessica Simpson says she "should weigh" 120 lbs. Right now she weighs 140 lbs., and that's why the story here is titled "Big Love." The tone of the piece is weird — it basically says that she's happy and has stopped giving herself a hard time about her body. But the captions are all, "sorry fatty, you should be thin and miserable." By the way, Jessica and her boyfriend recently "gorged on a 6,000 feast fit for a king and queen." They allegedly split a pepperoni and sausage pizza, then "gobbled up" baby back ribs, roasted potatoes, and homemade lasagna, then topped it off with apple cobbler, vanilla ice cream a chocolate souffle. Um… didn't we just read that the dude is vegan? Maybe they were tofu baby back ribs. "Inside Lady Gaga's Twisted World" is chock full of Lady Gaga gossip, from the book Pokerface by Maureen Callahan. Gaga had an affair with Rob Fusari while he was engaged and living with his fiancée. Her ex manager's wife says Gaga hired her to accompany her on the road… and to sleep in her bed at night. Gaga and this lady would cuddle and shower together. Gaga has fired at least 150 people, is on a vicious cycle of starvation and secret binges, was hospitalized for her dangerous dieting at least six times in 2009, and was the star of a "kinky sex show" in 2007, where she would strip and indulge in "sexual use of stuffed animals." Lastly, the mag buried the lede by making "Beach Bodies" the cover story, because the real juice is in the "Ashton Cheats On Demi" article. Back in July, Ashton was at the Italian restaurant Madeo in LA with friends and "a bevy of women who looked like fashion models." He "snuck off" with one "stunner" to a dark, secluded, hallway bathroom. An eyewitness says: "Ashton had this gorgeous girl pinned against the wall and he was totally making out with her." He had his baseball cap turned around "for easier access to the thin and leggy girl's lips." The source says: "His hands were on her hips and she was pushing up against the mirrored wall so she couldn't move, and he was grinding on her. He heard me walk by, and tried to bury his face in her neck so I wouldn't recognize him. But I could see him clearly, because he was reflected in the mirror. I also saw him earlier at the bar. I know what he was wearing. So there's no mistaking that it was Ashton Kutcher." The source notes that Ashton was clearly aroused, information we did not need to know.
Grade: C- ($13 tip on $100 check)

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Wed, 01 Sep 2010 13:35:34 EDT

How Much Money Will the Stars Make on Dancing with the Stars? [Salaries]

We already know who's going to be hoofing on ABC's Dancing with the Stars, but just how big of a payday is waiting for the likes of Bristol Palin and The Situation? It's less than you think.

It's all based on a sliding scale depending on how well the contestants do. Everyone gets $125,000 for signing up and being on the first two episodes (even the person who gets eliminated first gets that amount as a bit of a consolation prize). Then it's $10,000 each for the next two episodes, $20,000 for each of the two episodes after that, $30,000 each for the two subsequent episodes, and $50,000 for appearing in the final two episodes of the season. That totals $345,000 for those who make it to the very end. Based on this reality TV pyramid scheme, the winner gets nothing more than the other finalists—besides that tacky trophy, of course.

Sure most people at home would gladly take even the $125,000 signing bonus (and it's probably the biggest windfall Jennifer Grey has seen in her adult life) but in reality TV terms it's not that much. The Situation makes $60,000 an episode for Jersey Shore. The $345,000 to get to the end (which is 20 episodes over 10 weeks) wouldn't even cover his salary for six episodes of Jersey Shore. The Hills alum Audrina Patridge was making $100,000 an episode for her work on the canceled MTV gem, so this is a big step down for her.

And it doesn't sound like there are many other perks either—other than getting in better shape thanks to the show's eight-hours-a-day rehearsal requirement. The production staff is helpful with transportation and posh accommodations, but no one gets their own hair and makeup team or gets to select their dancing partner. It really is a rough life for these guys, isn't it?

Wed, 01 Sep 2010 13:08:23 EDT

Black Swan Sounds Crazy, Amazing [Reviews]

Darren Aronofsky's new ballet thriller (yes!) Black Swan premiered at the Venice Film Festival last night and reviews are in. Most people? Most people really liked the film, which sounds weird, dark, and insanely intriguing.

Todd McCarthy, who used to write for Variety but is now at IndieWIRE, thinks the movie is "Red Shoes on acid":

As a sensory experience for the eyes and ears, "Black Swan" provides bountiful stimulation. Aronofsky and cinematographer Matthew Libatique choreograph the camera in beautiful counterpoint to Portman's dance moves, especially in rehearsals, and the muted color scheme on rather grainy stock look like a more refined version of what the director did on "The Wrestler." Tchaikovsky's ever-present music supplies plenty of its own drama and the dance world details seem plausible enough.

But when the script by Mark Heyman and Andres Heinz, based on the latter's story, struggles to carve out a real-world parallel to the life-and-death struggle depicted in the dance story, it goes over the top in something approaching grand guignol fashion.

Ha! Nothing wrong with grand guignol to me.

Peter Debruge at Variety was equally transfixed by the film's strangeness and intensity:

Aronofsky seems to be operating more in the vein of early Roman Polanski or David Cronenberg at his most operatic. Though the director never immerses us as deeply inside Portman's head as he did Mickey Rourke's in "The Wrestler," the latter third of "Black Swan" depicts a highly subjective view of events that calls to mind the psychological disintegration of both "Repulsion" and "Rosemary's Baby."

"This is no dream! This is really happening!" How exciting.

The wonderfully named Kirk Honeycutt at The Hollywood Reporter didn't think as highly of the movie, but conceded that is is pretty fascinating nonetheless:

"Swan" is an instant guilty pleasure, a gorgeously shot, visually complex film whose badness is what's so good about it. You might howl at the sheer audacity of mixing mental illness with the body-fatiguing, mind-numbing rigors of ballet, but its lurid imagery and a hellcat competition between two rival dancers is pretty irresistible. Certain to divide audiences, "Swan" won't lack for controversy, but will any of this build an audience? Don't bet against it.

OK, I'm seeing this opening weekend. Ugh, please let it be at the Sunshine instead of the Angelika.

For a Portman-centric read of the views, go flap those eerie bird wings over to Vulture. Unfortunately no one had that much to say about my strange obsession, Mila Kunis, but what little was said was positive. So yay!

Wed, 01 Sep 2010 11:15:05 EDT

The Name of Conan O'Brien's New Show Is... [Announcements]

...Conan. Yup. No "show" or "night" variation. Not even a "barbarian" mention. Just plain old Conan. This is what he tells us in a new video, complete with scraggly beard and jokes. Exciting! Let's hope that's not the set, though.

Wed, 01 Sep 2010 10:45:31 EDT

Which Actress Is in a Relationship with Both a Man and a Woman? [Blind Items]

Looks like she's doubling her chances of a date on Saturday night. These costars scored with a set of twins, this actor is doing too much coke, and there's something going on with gorillas. We wonder if Snooki's involved?

1. "This B+ movie actress from a hit franchise series has always been rumored to be in a heterosexual relationship. True. She is. She is also involved with a female costume designer she met on the set of a different movie other than the franchise." [CDaN]

2. "These two actors were out of the country promoting their new film in which they costar together. Taking a break from the events, the two grabbed some dinner together. The A Lister got a text on his cell phone during the meal. He got excited and told his B list buddy to leave the restaurant and walk across the street. At a bakery across from the restaurant were two identical twins who the A Lister sees regularly when in town, even though he is a married man. He introduced the girls to the B Lister and made them switch digits so that when the B Lister comes back into town, he will have a hook up. He is in a relationship also." [BuzzFoto]

3. "Which actor has found himself fond of a little magic dust of late? His habit is increasingly worrying his pals, who say he's getting dependent on the stuff." [UK Mirror]

4. "Magilla and Shrilla are hairy, grunting, inarticulate, chest-beating gorillas with sub-human IQs. We wonder if the cameras were rolling when Shrilla found out that Magilla was mating with another. We do know that Shrilla is really freaking out behind the scenes now that so many of their secrets are being laid out on the table. Like the fact that Magilla now has the masculine monkey child he always wanted." [Blind Gossip]

Tue, 31 Aug 2010 13:14:14 EDT

Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion, Pt. 1: Release the Giudice! [Recaps]

So last night began our two-part journey into Andy Cohen's underworld, a place of shadows and screams, of strange rhombus coffee tables and tearing, thrashing ghouls. Andy Cohen's underworld is located at the Borgata in Atlantic City, naturally.

So, um, look. How do you really talk about people just sitting around and yelling? It's hard. She said this, then she said that, then she barked this, and she howled that. Over and over again until the end. How do you talk about this in any sort of interesting way? I just don't know. I still haven't figured it out. Generally I avoid these Reunion Specials for that express reason. There's nothing extra to be said. But this one, obviously, seemed like a bigger deal. What with all the pushing and bellowing and storming out. Plus Andy Cohen got knocked the fuck down! Do not try to tussle with the Teresa rhinoceros when she is in one of her frenzies. She will break your bones like balsa wood. I mean, that's generally what happens when you enrage children, they trash and claw and bite, because they don't really have the words or emotional intellect to do otherwise. And Teresa is a big overgrown baby. So the minute she gets upset it's just so much yelling and arm throwing and kicking and stomping. Isn't it nice to see adults acting like that? Wriggling in a TV executive's arms as he tries to stop them from bonking another adult woman on the head with their be-ringed fist. That's a nice, respectable thing to watch right there. Especially if it's an adult who is responsible for the upbringing of four children. Good example setting, Teets!

Though, to be fair, she was dealing with an infuriating person. Danielle the Bugwoman is by all accounts extremely pathetic. I love how when she goes on public appearance things — be it Andy Cohen's little gay uncle basement program or some local NY morning news show — she tries to act all poised and serious and classful. She always speaks slowly and doesn't really laugh at jokes or poke fun at herself. It's like she thinks if she goes on some stupid interview and acts like the regal-yet-obviously-tattered Queen of Albania or some place, we'll forget all about the gun-toting nonsense she pulls on the other show, which is the sole reason she's on the interview show in the first place. That's what Danielle doesn't seem quite willing to get or at least acknowledge. It's not like Andy Cohen or whoever else wants to talk to Danielle Staub, the person. No one gives two suffering farts about Danielle Staub, the person. No, people want to talk to the Danielle whose friends carry guns around to protect her and who holds up clumps of fake weave as if she's presenting us with the body of a dead child, it's that serious, and who makes ridiculous malapropisms and who is maybe-dating Carrie Fisher's dart-eyed shambles of a twin brother, Scraps. People don't want to see the cold-eyed woman who presents herself so austerely on interview couches, who tries to talk big TV-narrative terms like "I'm something of the villain, a character, on the show." Ha, no you're not. Bullshit, to quote Caroline. You're not The Villain. You're the crazy one. You're the nutbar who thinks she needs armed guards to go film a stupid basic cable reality show. You're not The Villain, because The Villain is usually somewhat likable or at least has clearly defined motivations. Danielle is just all garble and croak and gibberish. And then she tries to go on these shows and act all above-it-all. You know what would have been great to see? How above-it-all she was when she got the call saying that she wasn't going to be on the show anymore. I'll bet she calmly said "Well, thank you for your time," hung up the phone, and went about her day. I bet that's exactly what happened.

So anyway, what did these crazies talk about that got everyone so upset? Oh you know. Danielle said something about Teresa not acknowledging a nephew or something and Teresa did not like Danielle saying stuff about her family, so she jumped up from the couch in her Florida hotel wallpaper floral dress and she said "Do not break up my family!" or something like that, which seemed like kind of a leap. Anyway, Teresa has just recently learned the word "bitch", so she really likes to use it. So she did, a lot, as if just discovering it. "You know what you are? You're... a bitch! Yeah, a bitch!" Danielle eventually got up and stormed out, and Teresa tried to rage after her, but poor noodle-armed Andy tried to hold her back. She easily broke his slippery, jelly-wristed hold and she almost got where she wanted to go until Jacqueline reared up and violently shoulder-checked her and wrapped her in a bear hug. That was enough to keep Teresa mostly still, barring the occasional instinctual flail. "I'm fine, I'm fline... [wild flail toward Danielle's general direction]. No, seriously, it's OK. Anyway. [quick flail]. Really, yeah. It's no problem [one last final small flail, almost a twitch really]. OK. OK."

Meanwhile Danielle was in the break room, surrounded by bottles of pink Alize or something, and being attended to by her staff. There was her hairdresser, Baloo, her lesbian superstar friend Lori Whothefuckisthis, and some other lady. Other lady was doing her makeup and Baloo was flattening her hair and Lori was calming her down, reassuring her with mantras they'd all read on a bottle of Fruitopia in 1994. "Good things... Good things will happen..." They said this with such robotic fervor! I got a sad image of Danielle actually saying these things, in real life, not just for the camera. Driving along a wintry road and feeling a sharp pull of melancholy. Good things will happen... Looking down at the dog on the vet's table as it's put to sleep, its little old fur matted and dull. Good things will happen... Trembling in the parking lot of the supermarket after two twentysomethings walked by and laughed and called her old. Good things will happen... Ugh, Danielle! Don't make me pity you so. Please don't. Good things won't happen.

After she collected herself and made Andy promise that Teresa wouldn't get up from the couch ("Just don't cross me," Andy told to Teresa, which isn't exactly the same thing as don't get up from the couch), Danielle bravely walked back out and rejoined the girls. The convo proceeded to be bitchy, then bitchier. Normally I like her, but didn't Jacqueline come off so needlessly snippy and snide last night? All those little "He was married" and "Yes she did" and "Not true" interjections that just didn't need to be made. She should have taken a clue from Caroline, who remained mostly curt and businesslike. (To Andy after he couldn't get a straight answer from Danielle about her possible lesbianness with Lori: "This is like 20 questions. You're out of questions and you didn't figure it out. Next." Ha!) But of course when Caroline did have something substantial to say, she launched at Danielle with matriarch guns ablaze. The thing she said about Scraps or someone else being a pig or something, the one my friend said was a Welcome Back Kotter reference, was so terrific. It was just perfect. Caroline saying that Danielle's girls have no light in their eyes was painfully accurate, emphasis on painful. Those poor girls. Mostly Caroline came off pretty well. Sure it's weird that adults are doing any of this at all and it sort of means that everyone is awful, but when your opponent is Danielle, it's hard not to come off the victor.

And I don't know. Things were said about the kids and things were said about long-ago conspiracies and everyone just droned on and on and on. Were there any shocking revelations? Not really. Danielle maybe broke up Scraps' marriage. OK, sure. Who was Scraps' wife, anyway? A kerchief-wearing storybook mouse, probably, who ran back into her mouse hole and that was that. Oh the sextape, was it filmed by a third party? Sure, sure, sure it was. Is Danielle making money off of it? Yes, probably yes. OK, yeah, we knew that. These hours are rarely ever that revelatory. Mostly they're just an excuse for unbridled yelling, a chance to see how far these women are willing to go to be on a television show. "Hey, want to yell at each other in a room for eight hours?" "No! That sounds awf— Wait. Will it be a television show?" "Yeah." "Oh well then yes of course!" Ew. No one ever really wins in these things. I mean, there's a least-loser, that'd be Caroline. But no one wins.

Especially not Andy. Oh Andy. Manhandled. Foreheaded'd! Torn down by the broke-ass Giudice. (Teresa's mooing about her finances was dull and obviously mostly lies, so what's the point? Everyone just lies. It's not like they're in court. I kind of wish they were. I kind of wish they were forced.) Andy always comes off so... ugly... in these shows. I mean, he's just doing his job (that he gave himself), but what's the point? What's the point of any of this dredging? We never really get any clarity. So mostly it's Andy doing an ugly soft-shoe in one of his tight suits, the ugly furniture being ugly and too faraway. (Why have a coffee table if it's three arm-lengths away from the sofas?) I wonder if Andy does that too. Goes home. Tells himself good things will happen. Probably he just drinks. Probably he just loosens his tie and closes his eyes, pinches the bridge of his nose, wishes.

Anyway, next Monday looks more exciting, with a crazed-eyed Kim G. appearance and the gay advocate stuff coming up and the shocking bag of hair that Danielle pulls out of some mysterious place. I don't know. You're going to a brightly lit room to be yelled at by people who hate you for eight hours and you are carrying a bag of hair.

Good things will happen...?

Tue, 31 Aug 2010 10:38:36 EDT

Which Tween Singer Was Doing Coke in a Nightclub? [Blind Items]

But if she's not 21, how did she even get in the club in the first place? The Emmys brought awkward moments for a bunch of love-lorn actors and this star was banned from a hotel for bad behavior.

1. "This up-and-coming pop starlet snorted a line of coke while partying in a club with some pals. It shouldn't come as a huge surprise given the boost her career got after she was linked to a real coke fiend. Her friends are watching her closely because drugs are becoming a more regular routine of hers. Not Miley Cyrus." [Blind Gossip]

2. "Award show season brings out the spouses. It also brings out the possibility for some very awkward situations. Well, awkward for the two actors involved. Not so awkward for the husband because he does not know that his foreign born C+ primarily television actress on a hit show wife is sleeping around on him with her much younger C+ co-star. I'm guessing the friendly handshake they shared Sunday night would not have been so friendly if the husband knew." [CDaN]

3. "At an Emmys after party this weekend, this C list actor finally had the courage to admit his true feelings towards his costar. He professed his love to her, but unfortunately, she chalked it all up to too much punch and the fact that they were celebrating a win." [BuzzFoto]

4. "Which party animal is facing being banned from a hotel in the South East because the owners and staff are sick to the back teeth of her wild ways? During a recent visit, she and her entourage were asked to leave after openly taking drugs in front of other guests at the bar and throwing missiles at the receptionists. [UK Mirror]

Tue, 31 Aug 2010 10:23:40 EDT

Toronto Film Festival Threatened by Bedbugs [Panic]

The increasingly important festival is in scramble mode after a customer at the main venue for their 9/9-9/19 movie party complained about bedbug bites. How'd they get there? Well, the Degrassi kids were just in New York. Filthy teens.

Mon, 30 Aug 2010 15:44:45 EDT

Bradley Cooper and Ryan Reynolds Are Moving to San Francisco Together [Trade Roundup]

And they're bringing two older men with them. Also today: 3D war movies are the most reverential of 3D movies, some funny Emmys reporting, and that SNL news that's been all over.

Bradley Cooper and Ryan Reynolds — who are essentially the same person, just one is cold (Reynolds) and one is heat (Bradley Cooper) — have signed up to star in an action picture about two men living in San Francisco. Yes. It's like Full House, only less kinky. Well, actually it might be kinda kinky. They team up with old men! It's called Tender Loins. Well, that's just my working title. It's actually about cops partnering with their dads, retired cops, to stop crimes. It's written by Sheldon Turner, who wrote Up in the Air. Aha. Isn't that exactly what you thought when watching Up in the Air? "This is wistful and slick. I'd like to see a wistful and slick action movie from this guy." That's usually what I think. Well, I think that after I think "I'd like to see a wistful and slick gay erotic San Francisco adventure from this guy." [THR]

Warner Bros. has purchased a movie pitch from Bruce McKenna (who did The Pacific) about the famous Battle of Midway, the immense WWII naval and air battle that helped turn the tide of the Pacific campaign. It killed 2,300 people and whatnot, but really what's important about this movie is that it's going to be in 3D!!!! Isn't that great, greatest generation?? Your shit is now gonna be in the third dimension. The carnage of war is much carnageier when it's In Your Face. Plus, funny glasses are really the best way to gravely commemorate anything. Wootz. [Variety]

John Woo (Windtalkers: The Legend of Adam Beach's Career) is doing his own WWII aviation picture, this one called Flying Tigers, about the 14th Air Force teaming up with a buncha Chinese pilots to take on the soldiers of the Rising Sun. The whole thing is going to be in IMAX because, again, the best way to honor the troops and airmen is through big flashing in-ya-face imagery. In reality, the only military types that should be in your face are seamen. [Deadline]

This is old news, but we missed it on Friday and now it's everywhere so here it is. Saturday Night Live has found three new cast members, one girl and two boys. They are Paul Brittain, Taran Killam, and Vanessa Bayer. Brittain and Bayer are Chicago comedy nerds, while Killam has been hoofing it out in LA for a while, doing things with Bill "Srubbles" Lawrence. Killam was supposed to be in a show this fall, the congressional sitcom Freshmen, but it didn't get picked up. So that's that. Three new white folks to make ya chuckle as you doze on the couch and spill wine on your pants. Or as you watch it DVR'd the next day, dozing and spilling cheese sauce on your pants. Have you guys figured out that when I say "you", I'm talking about ME? You haven't? OK, good. I'm talking about you. [Comic's Comic]

Aha! More 3D! This time it sorrrt of makes more sense, given that it's a kids movie. The Nutcracker 3D has found a distributor, so it will be Russian-dancing into a theater near you this Thanksgiving. Nathan Lane plays Uncle Albert, so, y'know, run don't walk. Plus there's Elle Fanning and the whole thing was shot on location in Budapest. But that's not the best news. The best news is: Tim Rice wrote additional songs for the damn thing, as a supplement to the Tchaikovsky music. Yes! A whole thing based around a piece of music apparently doesn't have enough music, so bring in the Lion King guy. I'm really excited for "Hakuna Ma Walnuts" and "Can You Feel the Plum Sugar Tonight?". They're going to be marvelous. [Deadline]

Haha, here's an awkward, sad tidbit from Emmys Ground Zero. Apparently NBC was broadcasting their red carpet coverage in the actual theater, so toward the end when they started talking about dress "misses", a lot of the people with bad dresses were in the theater already, watching. Ha ha! That is such a chin-on-hand, awwww shucks kind of sad thing. "Awww fiddletoots. They doesn't like mah potater sack." Wump wump. "Billy Bush don't like me fancyslacks. Cinnamon and sugarsnaps." Nicely done, Emmys producers. Way to just make people feel bad for the most important reason ever, fashion. It's one thing to talk about it when they're not around, but to just be straight up "Here, sit and watch us criticize you," is terrific. "Ohhh fingernubs. Nate Berkus sure didn't take to mah stompin' gown. Guess I'd better just go shuck wheat." [The Wrap]

Mon, 30 Aug 2010 14:06:42 EDT

Mad Men: Naked Ambition [Recaps]

The sweet smell of success hung in the air when Don Draper won a Clio award on Mad Men. However the stink of ambition was also ubiquitous and the things people will do to get ahead were frightening.

The quote of the night goes to Roger Sterling, as it so often does. "Be careful what you wish for because you'll get it and people will get jealous and try to take it from you." This principle was basically in effect all night as characters at different stages of their careers became the things that they once loathed or loathe the things that they once were. This is especially the case with Don, but before we see where he ended up, let's see how he started with Sterling Cooper in the first place.

We always knew that Roger Sterling plucked Don Draper out of obscurity at a fur shop and made him into a star, but we had no idea it happened quite like this. Flashbacks are so handy! We meet Don all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, a young Korean war vet just trying to make a splash in the world and he'll do anything—including erasing his own identity—to get there. But the Don that we meet isn't the Don that we know. He's just as intelligent and still an excellent pitchman, but he's humble and eager to please. Willing to do anything to get ahead, he slips his portfolio into the box of a fur he sells Roger. When Roger gives our beloved Joanie a fur (Joan of the hair down and big cleavage, not the updo and buttoned-up Joan we lust after now), he finds Don's surprise.

Roger thinks this is a tacky tactic and he doesn't return Don's subsequent calls and blanches when he finds Don loitering in the lobby of his office building waiting for a "chance" encounter. Don eventually persuades him to take a very boozy lunch (well, it was 10am, does that constitute as brunch?) where Roger drunkenly hires Don. (We interrupt this broadcast with an update. Roger did not hire Don, Don just pretended he did and assumed Roger wouldn't remember and this is how he got his job. We apologize for any confusion.) It turns out to be the best mistake Roger ever made. But it's Don's cockeyed grin that ends the episode, as he looks up through the ceiling of the elevator. His career is on the rise and he's going to the top, and he couldn't be more delighted. This is what he always wished for.

Well, like Roger said, he got what he wished for and now jealous people are trying to take it away from him. First there's the idiot cousin of Roger's wife Jane, who comes in with a portfolio full of the same exact ad in different iterations. "The cure for the common car. The cure for the common beer." After affecting the airs of a pipe-smoking creative type he levels with Don, he just wants a job and he'll work hard to get it. He's a young striver, just like the young Mr. Draper. Still, Don laughs him out of the office with a sneer. Peggy is also trying to take some of the credit from Don's Glo-Coat campaign, and she's bruised that she didn't get invited to the Clios and that Don never thanked her. Even worse, Don takes her down a peg (ha!) and reminds her that she doesn't have that much experience and she better learn to work with Rizzo, the new sexist hipster art director.

No, no one can touch Don right now, who is on top of his game and on top of the world. He's all blithe arrogance and quick disdain for everyone around him, especially once he gets to the Clio ceremony. After running into rival Ted Chaough (pronounced Shaw, much to Roger's amusement) and old chum Ken Cosgrove, Don watches another old friend.

It's Duck Phillips, the old Sterling Cooper exec that Don gave the heave-ho to in season two. It's sad to see Duck back on the sauce and making a fool of himself once again. Don laughs at someone less fortunate than he is, but what he doesn't even realize is that he has become Duck Philips. He's just a divorced ad exec with a drinking problem who people talk about behind his back. Just like Duck, all he has is his work, and right now that's going swimmingly, but pretty soon he'll just be a rambling idiot at an awards show, being forcibly removed by security while Roger's wife's cousin sips a Tom Collins across the room and snickers at him.

But right now, Don's a big winner. He and Roger both held hands with Joanie, their good luck charm, under the table and, dang nabbit, he won. He takes home a trophy—probably about the same time Mad Men creator Matthew Weiner's acceptance speech was being interrupted by the house bad at last night's Emmys—with a drunken grin and a handshake. When a scared secretary shows up to tell the crew that the people from Life cereal are waiting for a delayed meeting, Don—riding the adrenaline high of walking across the dais—decides to take the meeting rather than stagger to the after party.

There is one good way to tell that Don Draper is out of control: his forelock falls forward. Yes, whenever Don gets too drunk or too angry that little piece of hair right about his forehead falls down closer to his right eye. It's like the opposite of the power curl that Superman always sported in the middle of his brow. This little piece of errant hair also reminds us of Dick Whitman, who didn't have the shellacked cut of Don Draper and let himself run a little bit wild, either because he was more free or just didn't know to buy the good hair product that would keep everything in place. Anyway, Don was so drunk at this meeting, that his forehead was practically covered in hair.

Convinced he's the king of the world, Don runs the meeting and when the client doesn't like his initial idea, he decides to just rattle off a bunch of others. It's as if he was saying, "I'm so good at my job I can do this half-drunk and at a moment's notice. I don't need any of these good people around me. I'm Don Motherfucking Draper and I just won a Emmy Clio and I don't even need time to think to come up with your slogan." The problem is that he's so far gone that he unintentionally plagiarizes the "cure for the common breakfast" idea from Roger's wife's cousin. The same idea he scoffed at earlier in the afternoon.

From there it gets even worse. Don heads to the Clio after party where he gets even more drunk. So drunk he obnoxiously hits on psychologist Faye, who looked so stunning in her party dress that I didn't even recognize her at first. The only thing that could have made the outfit better was a hat, even though it would have been totally inappropriate for the occasion. While shooting Don down for what seems to be the millionth time, Faye says even drunk he's still the "same old Don Draper."

But that's where she's wrong, this is a totally new Don Draper. Sure he still thinks he's better than everyone, he's still sullen and withdrawn, he's still terse and demanding, but something is missing. Don is starting to come unraveled. Without a home life, without his perfect wife and his perfect little children Don has nothing to keep him together, no shiny pomade to keep that forelock in place. It's as if that desire to get everything he wanted, the attaining of his goals, was all that kept him grounded. Well, he got it all! He is partner of his own firm, he had the wife and kids and the pretty house in the suburbs. Now it's all gone, but it's not that someone took it from him, it's that he ruined it for himself.

Now he's just trying to punish himself with continued bad behavior. He takes home a drunk (and slightly busted) floozy from the Clio party and as the light fades on him as he goes to sleep and rises on him again, we see that he's brought home an even worse floozy, some skanky waitress named Doris who he picked up while giving the busted girl the kiss off at a diner. Yeah, Don, we're sure she was your sister. To make things even worse, Betty is on the phone telling Don he slept through his scheduled visit with the children. He's already rattled when Doris calls him by his real name, Dick. Whoa!

Don scuttles off to the bathroom in his boxer shorts, the pathos the only thing keeping us from raping his nearly naked body with our eyes (yum!). The funny thing about this scene is that the last time we saw a shot of the light going out and coming up again on Don was when he spent the night sitting awake in Anna's living room after learning she had cancer. Then he was easing into Dick Whitman in a good way, full of the best (if selfish) intentions and with a heart full of love. He was trying to find a way to keep the one tenuous connection to his past alive before abandoning it forever.

Maybe that is the light that went out inside Don, because now the sunrise shot is the sad opposite of the one at Anna's house. Here is a woman he knows nothing about, whose name he had to read off a name tag. He doesn't love her like he loves Anna. It's not that Dick Whitman is coming back, but that Don Draper is crumbling and Dick is oozing through the cracks of the carefully constructed veneer. When Don cowers behind the bathroom door, he knows something is horribly wrong. It's the same old Don Draper destroying himself. But it's not. The problem is that Don Draper has taken on a life of his own. In order to get ahead he put on this convenient, well-bred mask of success. The Don Draper artifice smothered out his real character. It supplanted that wide-eyed young man full of good ideas and naked ambition with a liquored-up chump who squandered everything good he had in his life for a bunch of drinks and a few flings on the side. And he was an asshole about it too. Yes, Don Draper is a Frankenstein that the real Don—the Dick Whitman underneath—doesn't know how to stop. It is no longer a mask, it is his whole identity.

Don's ascent to success at the end of the episode is ironically mirrored by his descent here. When Don retires to the couch in his bathrobe the light changes on his sleeping body again, but this time it is fading to black. That spark we saw in the elevator is finally snuffed out. Let's hope that it's the glorious fire of Don Draper being extinguished, but I'm afraid it's the opposite. It's that part of Don that knows right from wrong, how to treat people with respect, and how to be thankful for what he's got finally being blown out. It's Dick Whitman passing away, taking his conscience with him. Without that all Don has is his hubris, the sort of pride that is scorned by the gods.

Thank God Peggy arrives to clean up the mess.

The last time we saw Peggy at Don's apartment was on Thanksgiving when she messed up her stunt with the women fighting over the last turkey in a grocery store. "Fix it," Don barked through the door before slamming it in her face. Now it's the complete opposite. Peggy, acting as Jiminy Cricket, tells Don about the slogan he stole from Jane's cousin, a hack slogan at that. She's barking, "Fix it."

And Don does. He calls in Jane's cousin for a meeting and offers him $50 for his idea as "freelance work." The kid is not biting, he wants a job. It's the same tenacity we saw in Don when trying to get to Roger Sterling, but this time Don has contempt for it. Not only does Don hate what he once was, the scrambling the great Don Draper had to do to get ahead, but he's wary of this kid, afraid that even a connected hack like this might one day supplant him. Maybe the last embers of Dick are still rattling around in there, because he eventually hires the kid. I can't wait to see how this one works out.

After the kid gets hired, Don pawns him off on Peggy, who has to lead him around the office, just like Joan did for her on her first day, the very first episode of Mad Men. It's been quite a journey for Peggy, from the scared little secretary to the confident copywriter. Don might have knocked her down at the beginning of the episode, but by the end she's the one steering the ship for her beleaguered captain.

This evolution might have something to do with her relationship with Rizzo, the horrible new art director. She's not palling around with her buddy Joey anymore. This guy is a real pro, but he's also a step down. He'd rather try to impress the secretaries with his clip reel, look at Playboy, and avoid Peggy. When Don orders them to have a campaign ready by Monday, all Peggy can do is corral him into a hotel room for the weekend to hammer out their ideas. After more hours of him putting her down and slagging her off, she's sick of his petty games.

This is something that always intrigued me is that the guys who are always the biggest horn dogs, looking at porn and talking about fucking chicks, are often also the worst misogynists. That seems to be the big problem with Rizzo. He doesn't want to work with Peggy because he thinks it's below him to collaborate with a woman and he'd rather pin his lack of inspiration on her lack of ideas than his own laziness. Then, when that doesn't work, he insults the way she looks, saying that even if she were naked, he wouldn't want to look at her.

Back in the day our blushing Peggy would have demurred and stammered away from a confrontation, but something different is awakening in her. Now she calls Rizzo out on his shit and tells him to put his money where his mouth is. When he does, she's realizing what she so often does, that male ego and the masculine domination of the workplace is nothing but a joke. Once Peggy makes Rizzo live out his naturalist dogma, she sees that he very visibly does enjoy looking at her naked (and he should, she looked better this episode than she ever has). Not only that, but her ideas can get his juices flowing in other areas as well.

But it gets out of hand and Peggy goes from being confident and badass to being a bit of a, ahem, prick. She becomes, as Rizzo says, the smuggest bitch in the universe. That might be a bit of an overstatement from a woman-hating pig, but when she's picking on his endowment on Monday morning, it might be a little bit true. Just like Don, Peggy was once a striver and she seems to be on the same sad trajectory. She's letting her confidence become arrogance and she's letting work take over her life, giving up her weekend for a chastely naked night in a hotel room with a guy who doesn't want to fuck her because she's too good at her job. Peggy better be careful, or the little light inside her that we love is going to roar into a flame that scorches her.

While we're talking about people repeating the mistakes of their mentors, let's talk about Pete Campbell. As Roger Sterling continues to behave, as Lane Pryce says, like a child, its up to Pete to carry the load. After all, Roger is looking into the past, obsessed with his accomplishments. Even when it comes to Don's award, Roger doesn't want the current glory, he just wants some acknowledgment that what he did before is what mattered. Pete is the opposite of that, trying to build into the future.

But Ken stands in his way. As much as Roger is a child, Pete is a spoiled brat prone to, as Lane Pryce calls them, tantrums. When he finds out that Ken Cosgrove, his old rival, is going to sign on to be an account man at the firm, he gets his knickers in a twist because he won't be the rainmaker anymore. Eventually he comes around to the idea.

Now it is Pete's turn to gloat. While Ken was chosen as head of accounts last year over Pete, it's Mr. Campbell who is a partner and will be Ken's boss now. Instead of handling this with equanimity, Campbell lords it over Ken, like the smallest kid at the playground who has the best toys. He's becoming a mini version of Roger, but, man, does Pete look like an idiot with his hands behind his head. It's like the chair is just going to topple over at any second and he'll be ass over teakettle on the floor looking like the pompous jerk he always has been. But Pete isn't self-aware enough for that. Actually, none of our favorite characters really are. For all their great ideas in advertising, they have no clue that the sun is going down on them and pretty soon they'll be in moral darkness. With nothing but role models for destruction, they're all doomed.

Previously:
Mad Men: Back to Business
Mad Men: The Ghosts of Christmas Past
Mad Men: California Dreamin
Mad Men: Out of Focus Group
Mad Men: The Trouble with Sally