It has finally happened, Snooki's body is rebelling against her. Yes, the greatest sociological experiment of our time took a turn for the biological and now Snooki is voiding her bowels wherever she possibly can.
But before we can get to Snooki's UTI and the havok it created in our little glass cage full of guidos, we must look at their language so we know what the hell they're talking about.
Shore Shower: Spraying one's body and private areas with perfume to cover up a certain odor, usually that of leaky bodily fluids. It is essentially a "whore's bath" in all the important ways.
Electrocuted: When the "electronics" in the wall react poorly to seven hair dryers, nine curling irons, and one electric body hair trimmer are plugged into two sockets in the same bathroom. According to the guidos this is similar to being tazed, because that is the only other instance they know which electricity is used: hair and arrest.
Star 69: To go back and find out who started a rumor or who made a certain comment previously. This is very important because in the guido subculture, gossip runs rampant. Also, they don't use mobile phones, so they're still using the argot of 1995, when land lines were still necessary.
Now we must address Snooki and her wee-wee problems. It started at the club when she danced so hard that she actually wet herself. This is not the first time that a guido has been known to lose control of his bodily functions on the dance floor from beating up the beat, so it wasn't so crazy. However, the next day, when she continued to pee frequently and it stung, she self-diagnosed herself with a UTI because, apparently, she used to be a veterinarian's assistant and she knows these things. Yes, the guidos so closely equate themselves with animals that they no longer go to regular physicians and instead clutter up the waiting rooms of veterinarians.
Snooki's medication, of course, is tequila. The rationale is that, just as you put alcohol on the skin before a shot to disinfect it, that will happen inside the body by drinking excessive amounts of tequila. Also it numbs the pain from the infection, so it not only removes the cause, but the symptoms. Of course this would be wrong for any human but I do believe that, due to the guido's mutated physiognomy, that tequila can cure a UTI. You never see Snooki go to the doctor, she just medicates and medicates and medicates until her bladder is so full that she lets it out on the porch.
Some of you might think this is disgusting, but, as we have seen repeatedly, the bathroom is the most sacred room in the guido household and to put something that is impure and full of nasty bacteria into the toilet would be to anger the household god, The Duck Phone. That is why Snooki pees on the porch.
Speaking of bodies in revolt (or bodies and revolting) The Situation had all sorts of problems last night, including his penis popping out of his shorts. The funny thing about The Situation is that, well, he's not even making sense anymore. Sure, when he was walking around with his dick all out, he was drunker than seven skunks drinking Snooki's tequila-based pee substance, but still, he was making no sense.
He's saying that people are leaving him out, treating him badly, and suspecting him of plotting something, even though he's been being nice to them. He's been being nice to them for like three days after several years of being an asshole. They guidos know that he's not going to change so quickly, so of course they're suspicious. The Situation is such a narcissist that he believes that any small alteration to his behavior patters should have a drastic effect on how he is perceived. He is wrong.
I'm not even sure that I understand the basis of his argument last night (like many, I was distracted from what he was saying by his penis) but I think it goes something like this: he doesn't feel liked or included by the group, especially the boys. This is after he said he wanted to be the villain and he takes every opportunity to leave the group to go hang out on his own. How are they supposed to make him feel? He asks Snooki about it, and she says he has to talk to the boys. He intuits that to mean Snooki knows something he doesn't. She does not, she is just a rational person who knows to go to the source of the problem. The boys, so wrapped up in the rules of Guy Code that they would never tell another guy their problems with him to their face, just stay mum and say, "We have no problem with you." Sitch says he believes them, but he doesn't, because, for such an asshole, he is rather perceptive.
While the problem lies in the guido males inability to communicate anything other than joy of getting laid and the prowling for sexual congress. The guys won't be honest. Somehow, by the end of last night's dispatch, Sitch has turned this back around on Snooki. Since the guys aren't the problem, then she must be trying to play a trick on him. Only The Situation would think in such warped logic, because he perceives everyone's actions as directly related to him.
There has been an important development in Snooki's transformation into some sort of strange rodent totem. Yes, she put the Bunny Suit on once again last night. While I thought it was initially so that she could take on an animal persona and, therefore, be closer to her household god, The Duck Phone, it seems to be serving two very different purposes.
In art and literature the bunny is often a symbol of fertility and sexuality, because it has many children and is always known to be having sex to reproduce. Snooki, who sees herself as an animal that should be treated by a vet, has decided that, if she were an animal, she would be a rabbit. This most likely has something to do with a rabbit's unfettered libido. We can see this in the way she uses the bunny costume on her male roommates: frightening them either to get them in bed or while they are already in bed. It's like her sexuality is completely unchecked, but also something outside of her, something that needs its own fetish (in the classic definition of the word).
However, we later learn that Snooki sees the Bunny as an English person who knows nothing about the guidos. Perhaps the Bunny Suit is not a stand in for Snooki, but it is a way for her to play the other. When she wears the suit, she can step outside of herself and glimpse the guido culture objectively, just as all of us do, and she finds it frightening, which is why she uses the suit to scare her roommates. While DJ Paulie Deceptacon and Vinny created "guido drag" personae in Italy to mock the posers that adopt their lifestyle without authenticity, Snooki is trying to find a way out of her lifestyle by taking on the observations of the outside world. She wants to be something more, something greater than she is. She wants to be English and conservative, but even thinking that makes her feel like an insane cartoon creature. The Bunny Suit is her coping mechanism for dealing with the cognitive dissonance of both knowing herself and wanting to escape herself at the same time.
It seems that Snooki's behavior, either by bringing the disease of the UTI into the house or by dressing in her Bunny Suit has, indeed, angered the guido's household god, The Duck Phone. Aside with curtailing and controlling the guido's communications with the outside world, The Duck Phone also has a strange control over other avian creatures. Usually, when the guidos leave Seaside Heights and don't take The Duck Phone with them, he tends to show his wrath by causing other airborne creatures to attack them. It happened with crows in Miami and with pigeons in Florence. Now it appears that he is taking out his anger in Seaside Heights too.
Yes, the guidos are beset by a seagull infestation. JWOWW calls them rats with wings and they swoop down to eat up all the remains that the guidos leave behind. Like the other creatures that The Duck Phone has sent after the clan, they are not easily scared away, and just shouting at them, which would usually cause most birds to scatter, only disrupts them momentarily before they come back to taunt the guidos once again.
In effect, they are trapped in the house, because if they go outside, they will be attacked by a swarm of winged creatures bent on their destruction. Yes, they are stuck in the house to worship and pray, to kneel down before The Duck Phone and ask for forgiveness for their sins. And it will sit there, on its little altar next to the bean bag chair and its eyes will flash red with the fires of devotion and it will let out a call to all of those birds to leave the guidos alone—at least for now. "Quack," it will scream, reverberating throughout the whole town, causing the birds on the boardwalk, resting on wires, and feasting on waste to scatter into the air in one great swarm. "Quack," it will scream. "Quack. Quack."
Fri, 03 Feb 2012 10:25:00 EST
Which One of Gwyneth Paltrow's Exes Used to Cheat on Her All the Time?
Most people have a love/hate relationship with mistress of GOOP Gwyneth Paltrow, including her ex (maybe one of the famous ones?) who cheated on her repeatedly. Plus a hooker actress, a bald actor, and a football-related breakup.
1. "In this month's Harper's Bazaar, 'The Real Gwyneth' (all the other articles you've ever read were about 'The Fake Gwyneth') talks for the zillionith time about how real she is and about how her life lessons can help the hoi polloi. While she is 'discreet' about her dating life, she is willing to put at least one ex on blast for cheating on Her Royal Goopiness. From HarpersBazaar: 'Gwyneth remains discreet about her previous boyfriends, who include Brad Pitt (they dated for nearly three years from 1994 and were engaged for six months) and Ben Affleck (in the late '90s). She met Chris Martin in 2002, three weeks after her father's death, and married him the following year. But she does confess that she knows what it feels like to be betrayed-"I had a boyfriend who used to cheat on me all the time. I was quite naive. I knew on a cellular level, but I bought his story"-while making it clear that infidelity is not part of her marriage.' Who is the ex-boyfriend in this story?" [Blind Gossip]
2. "This former B+ television actress from a very hit series on this almost network was spending time with rich guys for money but they have started to disappear from her life because of her continued drug use. Her money is gone and now she has been reduced to charging by the hour and even ran an ad on Backpage." [CDaN]
3. "This one took us a little by surprise. Usually you can tell when a man is starting to lose his hair, and how he's trying to cover his loss. We've seen well-known celebs go from thinning or receding hairlines to lush heads of hair courtesy of wigs, toupees, and various hair restoration procedures. However, we've never seen anyone as young as this heartthrob actor take it so seriously. He's only in his twenties, and has already gone through multiple transplant sessions and has been using Rogaine for years. Supposedly, balding runs in his family, and the procedures are prophylactic in nature." [Blind Gossip]
4. "Which A list actor is thinking of splitting up with his non-celebrity wife because he resents that she doesn't like watching sports as much he does?" [BuzzFoto]
Thu, 02 Feb 2012 19:49:19 EST
Jimmy Kimmel's Mom Was 'Very Sadistic' And Kind of Messed Up
Jimmy Kimmel went on fellow comic Marc Maron's podcast-slash-psychotherapy-couch WTF to talk about his unusual career path. But he couldn't resist taking his famously neurotic host on a detour into some of his family issues, including the "very sadistic" mom who used to make him pay her begging homage and who pretended she was dead to make him cry.
"There's something wrong with her," Kimmel said, in apparent good humor. "But sounds like it's fairly benign," Maron offered diplomatically. Sure, Kimmel said. "It was funny for her. [And] there were no beatings." There's an audio excerpt above, and you can listen to the whole podcast here for more context. Whether you relate this information to Kimmel's sometimes odd relationships with women — how he never told Sarah Silverman she was pretty, how he conducted an apparently covert office affair with his assistant-then-writer-then-head-writer-then-long-term-girlfriend Molly McNearney and allowed allies to vociferously deny any relationship with the spoken-for woman — is entirely up to you.
Thu, 02 Feb 2012 14:49:22 EST
Eight '80s Movies That Need to Be Broadway Musicals
Today news broke that there is a team working on bringing Back to the Future to the Broadway stage. That is an awful idea. There are so many better movies that they could transfer.
Since Broadway is obsessed with bringing movies to the Great White Way, we thought we'd help them out with some suggestions. Back to the Future is a bad choice because, well, the time travel thing will suck on stage and you know it will just be a juke box musical full of songs from the '60s. Broadway already pilfered an '80s movie doing '60s-style songs with Hairspray and Jersey Boys just refuses to die, so we don't need another musical exploiting the era.
There are actually plenty of '80s movies that they've made into musicals that didn't make it big, like Heathers, Clue, Teen Witch and The Goonies. Those are disqualified.
Otherwise, here are the movies I really want to see on the stage.
Overboard
Highlights: The giant water fight scene, a miniature golf number, the Goldie Hawn character cussing out the teacher, putting a yacht on stage. Difficulties: You're going to have to do something with those three awful children. Sample Song Title: "I'm a Short, Fat Slut"
Adventures in Babysitting
Highlights: "And Then He Kissed Me" in front of the mirror at the beginning, dangling from the skyscraper at the end, a giant station wagon on stage, and a whole production number in the blues bar. Difficulties: Again, annoying kids. Sample Song Title: "Nobody Leaves This Place without Singing the Blues"
Loverboy
Highlights: A hot guy to play an oft-shirtless pizzaboy/male prostitute, a different song for every one of his clients, and a patter song about how his parents think he must be gay. Difficulties: Trying to make male prostitution into a feel-good sentiment might be difficult, but not impossible, as this movie proved. Sample Song Title: "Extra Anchovies"
Princess Bride
Highlights: The Inigo Montoya sword fighting tap number, Wesley being tortured in a giant tree, storming the castle, fire shooting out of the stage in the crazy swamp. Just about everything, really. Difficulties: This has been tried before and they couldn't get it together, so there must be a reason. It might have something to do with all the traveling necessary for the plot to work. But if they made Shrek: The Musical Sample Song Title: "Have Fun Storming the Castle"
Working Girl
Highlights: This is a classic musical plot with a young underdog transformed by mistaken identity to come out on top. There's a great villain, a love story, and a colorful sidekick. Throw in Staten Island costumes, a few dresses with huge shoulder pads, and you have a hit. Know what? This is actually a really good fucking idea. Difficulties: With an already long running time, after adding songs, it could become unwieldy. Sample Song Title: "I Have a Mind for Business, and a Bod for Sin"
Coming to America
Highlights: An opening number at the African palace, a group number at McDowells, stunt casting Arsenio Hall to play the king. Difficulties: Most of this takes place in shabby settings and no one wants to see that. Sample Song Title: "Meet the Soul Glo Family"
Mannequin
Highlights: The plot is classic Broadway with a love story and a silly curse to bring a princess to life. The giant department store set would be great, so would a kickline of mannequins coming alive. Also: Hollywood! Difficulties: There are only three main characters, so that's tough. Also, you can't do a montage on stage, so that would suck. Sample Song Title: "Hooray for Hollywood"
Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead
Highlights: The fashion show that closes the night complete with an ice cream truck. Also the great villain and her henchman doing an evil number, and Rose doing a "Think Pink!" style song about uniforms. "The dishes are done, man." Difficulties: Again, annoying kids. Oh, and this was made in 1991, so it's not even really an '80s movie. Sample Song Title: "I'm Right on Top of That Rose"
Those are my suggestions, what do you guys want to see? Let us know in the comments (complete with song suggestions).
Thu, 02 Feb 2012 10:57:32 EST
Which Actress Got a Really Stupid Tattoo?
This actress got a rather stupid tattoo on the inside of her thigh. This actor brought a bunch of ladies over his virgin co-star's house so he could get laid. This actress does some rather creative things to her pubic hair. Why can't these ladies leave their crotches alone?
1. "Which C list film actress from a popular franchise, just got a tattoo (while she was completely wasted) on her inner thigh that says 'Great Wall of Vagina?'"
2. "This award nominated/winning actress always struck us as rather conservative. That's why we were surprised to learn that she is quite creative in the personal grooming department. She enjoys having her nether regions dyed and trimmed into creative shapes. We're not just talking about a simple pink heart for Valentine's Day here. She's taken it to a new level. For example, because her SO loves the NFL, she currently sports a deep orange football with white laces. She told friends that 'This football is the only thing that gets him away from the TV screen during football season.'" [Blind Gossip]
3. "So, a few years ago, this A list movie actor who is still A list today was shooting a movie and got drunk one night and decided what his male co-star needed was some sex. Apparently earlier in the week, the co-star told the A list actor that he was still a virgin. So, the A list actor was out with women on his arms and asked if any of them would be willing to sleep with the co-star. Several agreed after our A list movie actor promised them they could also sleep with him. So, the actor rounded them up and went over to the co-star's home and woke up everyone there with these women on his arm. It did not go over well at all and the co-star did not have sex that night. However, the next day on set had a whole different result." [CDaN]
Wed, 01 Feb 2012 16:20:55 EST
Six Tricks For Getting a TV Show, Via Louis CK and Lorne Michaels
A comedy blogger has unearthed Louis CK's rundown of making TV pilots, posted to Usenet (!) in 2006. Between this fantastic, lengthy document and Lorne Michaels' new interview with Alec Baldwin lie some excellent tips for hacking the Hollywood system, which we've distilled and posted below.
CK posted "the pilot process" to moderated.alt.comedy.standup after he'd secured an HBO deal for the series Lucky Louie but before he went on to widespread acclaim as a stand-up comic and creator of the better-received Louie on FX. In the post, recently re-disocvered by Third Beat, CK outlines the many ways the process of conceiving, pitching, writing, rewriting, casting, producing and endlessly re-pitching a pilot can go fatally wrong. He also makes clear that "every step of the process is an absolute fucking nightmare," as Mirth Magazine put it.
Some of the most revealing parts of the post are CK's little parenthetical asides about how Lucky Louie's network HBO did things differently. It's also especially interesting to read all of CK's warnings about network television today, after he secured a unique deal with FX that lets him route around the many gatekeepers he describes. And the post also calls to mind Saturday Night Live creator Michaels' new interview with SNL perennial Alec Baldwin, in which he explains that the pilot process had a lot to do with why he set up his show the way he did.
Some key hacks from CK and Michaels:
Don't test your show or do market research: You know how Apple is famous for never focus grouping its products? It turns out HBO, foremost beacon of quality television at the moment, works the same way. CK:
I did a pilot at CBS and we had to wait while they tested the show. They do all kinds of screwy marketting experiments and they show the pilot to a test audience. You are given elaborate data according to the test and you often have to re-edit the pilot to adress the testing data. (HBO doesn't test their shows, so i got to skip that this time)
Skip big-name actors: Casting is always a nightmare, involving "thousands of horrible actors" and a small handful of quality casting directors everyone is competing to hire. But the process is apparently much more palatable (and successful) if you don't have to shoehorn in famous people:
Offers are going out to very big named actors, none of which you think fit the parts at all, but you are told they will help your show get on the air..... At one point you're told that your pilot is going to star Brendan Frazier and Jody Foster. At the last minute they both pass and you end up with Kirk Cameron and Shelly Biglachnataps... (In my case, HBO doesn't give a shit about that, so we were able to cast people according to their funninness and acting. Hooray for me)
Sell to a production company affiliated with the network that is also buying the show: Many of the headaches CK describes happen twice: Once when dealing with his production company, and once when dealing with the network. The show creator is basically serving two masters at once. At HBO, CK dealt with HBO and HBO Independant Productions, "which are a lot of the same people."
No upfronts: Networks typically delay their final decisions until "upfronts," where advertisers can buy time up front and where the entertainment press gets worked into a lather. They can be a real waste of evertone's time and energy:
Some people are told the day of the announcement that they are or are not going to series. When I did the pilot at CBS... someone from Warner Brothers called me literally an hour before Les Moonves made his announcement, to say he wouldn't be mentioning "Saint Louie" although we were strong contenders for mid-season (obviously that didn't happen either). HBO doesn't do up-fronts and they don't do marketing research. It's just two people, Carolyn Strauss and Chris Ablrecht, who watch their pilots and then mull it over for a while and then decide.
Do it live: Michaels told Baldwin in a podcast/WNYC interview that he wanted to do SNL because the live aspect of the show would help him bypass the pilot process:
Somewhere in the process of making a pilot, all your most conservative instincts come out... The idea I could do a show in which the audience would see it at the same time as the network was thrilling... I was going to take one last shot at television and see if I could do it the way I wanted to do it.
More context in the audio excerpt above left.
Demand a bag of money and total freedom: A great deal if you can get it. And not many people will be able to. But CK, famously, did, setting up an arrangement with FX in which the network basically hands him a pile of money to write, direct, edit and cast the whole of Louie, soup to nuts. You can read more about the setup in this NY Magazine piece and, if you have the time, hear more about it somewhere in comedian Marc Maron's two-part interview with CK. From NYM:
The president of FX, offered him $250,000 to make a series about his life, a number that included Louis's salary... Landgraf impressed Louis, pitching a model designed to keep shows "pure." "I said, ‘Okay, the only way I'm doing this is if you literally wire the $200K to me and I go to New York and just make it. I don't gotta tell you what it's about. I don't know what it's about.' "
Louis's manager promised he could bump up the number to $350,000, but Landgraf called Louis directly. To get more money, he explained, he'd need to call Rupert Murdoch. And Louis would have to take network notes. "I called my manager and said, ‘Shut your fucking mouth!,' " recalls Louis, laughing.
Sometimes, apparently, the value of not having to take notes on your work is 40 percent of the entire potential budget. Good to know.
Wed, 01 Feb 2012 10:13:44 EST
Which Actress Was Getting Flirty with Another Lady at the SAG Awards?
This actress was "necking" with another famous lady in public, and even got her number. This closet case's boyfriend dumped him after he wasn't allowed to go to a movie premiere and this couple has stayed together forever since they're both asexual. That's gotta be the world's most boring closet.
1. "Which A+ list movie actress who is not married, but might as well be, went and asked for this B list movie actress phone number at the SAG Awards and then after she got it, kissed the actress on the neck and gave her a little bite. Oh yes, this will be revealed." [CDaN]
2. "This closeted B list movie actor who headlined a franchise film will be looking for a new boyfriend soon. He brought his boyfriend on a trip with him, but would not let the boyfriend out of the hotel for the premiere. A very nasty fight ensued and the boyfriend headed home alone." [CDaN]
3. "This couple is considered A list, and have been together for a long time, not just by Hollywood standards, but by life standards. A source tells us that although there have been speculation about affairs in the past, the two have remained 100% faithful to one another. The secret to their success? They're both asexual." [BuzzFoto]
4. "More than one person in this family has achieved fame and success in the music industry, and several others have been television regulars. One of the members of the family recently passed at a very young age. While it is usual for families to ask for privacy when they are in mourning, this family is doing everything they can to cover up the cause of datth. It turns out that several members of the family have had similar struggles and they loathe the thought of having to discuss it in public." [Blind Gossip]
[Image via Getty]
Tue, 31 Jan 2012 18:39:25 EST
Is Kristen Bell's Sloth Freak Out Adorable or Annoying?
Veronica Mars survivor Kristen Bell was on Dancing with the Degeneres this afternoon and shared a videotape of her first meeting with a sloth. She freaked the fuck out. Apparently she has loved sloths her whole life, and when her fiance, comedian Dax Shepard, went to introduce her to the hairy couch potato, she absolutely lost her shit.
Here's the thing: part of me loves Kristen Bell for telling the world about this and bringing the tape to Ellen and sharing what is an adorably embarrassing moment with the world. However, part of me hates her for being such a crazy, high-maintenance person that she can't even have a petting zoo installed in her house without needing a Klonopin. Dial it back a bit, Bell.
So, what do you think? Cute or awful? Put on your judging pants and pass your verdict below.
Tue, 31 Jan 2012 18:35:00 EST
Nicolas Cage's Wax Figure Not Thrilled to Meet Actual Nicolas Cage
Here is wax figure Nicolas Cage, trying to get along with actual Nicolas Cage at Paris's Musée Grévin on Sunday. Have you ever seen a wax figure look so fundamentally disinterested in his counterpart? I'm worried about their chemistry. Hopefully, they bonded just a little bit over the complicated life of a stunt motorcyclist who's often engulfed in flames and acting as jazz. Not everyone can share these interests, wax figure Nic and actual Nic. Go have a cigarette together, or something. [Via]
Tue, 31 Jan 2012 14:08:12 EST
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Room for Debate
Last night when fortifying myself for the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion, I realized it had a lot in common with that other great reality show of this year: the Republican Debates. Yes, there will be a million of them, everyone in attendance is ridiculous, nothing will get decided, and there will be a lot of yelling across the room.
It's impossible to recap these reunions anyway because nothing actually happens. It's just a bunch of accusations across couches with Andy Cohen trying to keep his wonky eye in check as his head pivots back and forth like a drowsy dowager at a tennis match. There's nothing to really say about that, nothing at all. So, instead, I'm going to treat this just like I would a Republican debate, where there are clear winners and losers based on their arguments, stance on issues, and the likelihood that I would actually vote for one of them. Here is my ranking of the candidates based on their performance last night.
1. Camille Grammer: Camille was really the Mitt Romney of the bunch. She did what she did all season: she looked amazing, stayed above the fray, but weighed in and made her opinion known when it counted. She told Lisa she thought her jab about "Maloof's hoofs" was mean, she told Lisa she also heard the rumor about her selling stories to RadarOnline, and she stood up to Taylor when she tried to whitewash over what happened with Russell, but still maintained her sympathy. An excellent showing by St. Camille. She came off as the sane one who you would actually be friends with. A total 180 from last season.
2. Lisa Vanderpump: At the beginning of the season, it looked like Lisa was going to get the "bitch edit," but that never really materialized. It came out in full force last night when Kyle, Adrienne, and Taylor all piled up on Lisa. Camille corrected her a few times, but her remarks were so slight and honest that they seemed more like Camille expressing her point of view rather than a calculated attack. What the women don't understand is that the public just loves loves loves Lisa, and when you come after her, especially for such petty reasons, they're the ones who look like assholes. Kyle's whole argument about Lisa being manipulative and her being scared if Lisa is angry with her seems without merit. Everything Adrienne said made it seem like she can't take a joke. First of all she brought up the dumbest fight on the history of the Housewives franchise (and that is saying something) about Pandora having her bachelorette at a competing Vegas hotel. Then she showed that she couldn't take a joke by bringing up the Maloof hoof crack about her shoe line. It was a fucking joke, Adrienne. God. People normally love you, but you need to unclench. There were more accusations, but we're going to get to those later. Lisa handled herself immaculately. She answered every charge and believably deflected each accusation. She stuck to her issues and showed the class and tact that she's known for. She also expressed outrage where it was demanded. There's something to be said for grace under pressure.
3. Taylor Armstrong: Yes, she seemed incredibly rehearsed and she was in the toughest position of all the Housewives going in, but Taylor handled herself with aplomb. My favorite moment was when Lisa was talking about an abusive text that Russell sent her and she stopped herself from describing what it said. Taylor said, "It's OK, it's all out now." She has nothing to hide and she's giving everyone permission to dole out the details. She did the smart thing and let Lisa get into the nitty gritty. She talked about the difficulty of being in an abusive relationship, but never got into the dirty details which, considering she still has to mother the man's child, is sort of commendable. She also let Adrienne say that the show saved her live, without having to say it herself. It's like she addressed the situation at hand, but let the other ladies say all the outrageous things, to keep the spotlight off her. Not the best strategy, but an effective one.
4. Kyle Richards: Kyle kind of kept her mouth shut which, as we learned from Levi Johnston, is sometimes the smartest thing you can do. When she did open it, though, it was to passive aggressively say that Lisa is so smart that she's scary, which wasn't really a backhanded compliment as much as it was an underhanded insult. And who is afraid of Lisa Vanderpump? That's just silly. Kyle is going to need to speak up more if she wants to really engage the audience at home.
5. Brandi Glanville: She's ranked down low mostly because she only showed up at the very very end of the debate. The lack of airtime was deadly. Brandi, however, is there to fight. Like Michele Bachmann she is crazy, has her boxing gloves on, and will shriek her head off until people listen to her. She also has great hair. Look for her to really come out sharpening her knives in the next debate.
6. Adrienne Maloof: Adrienne is already the Queen of the Maloofs, a strange race of people that live under a mountain, so she doesn't need to run for anything. That's the only way I can account for all the errors she made last night—she's just not used to campaigning. First of all, that purple dress! It was really made for standing up, and with that one sleeve, she just looked like a limp ombré sail, waiting for some wind to fill her up. She was blowing plenty of hot air herself. First there was the drama with the Maloof hoof, then she was talking about how Real Housewives saved Taylor's life (come on, that may be true, but you sound like such an idiot for saying a reality show saved her life when it very well might have ended her late husband's life). Then she was defending her cook Bernie over the silly things he said about Lisa and then, well, there was all of that stupid RadarOnline nonsense with Lisa. See the clip above.
Adrienne made the worst Housewives Reunion mistake of them all: she brought up some other shit. The thing that Housewives don't understand is that people only watch the show, and that is all we want to hear you talk about. We don't want you to bring up some stupid joke Lisa made about your dog on Twitter (again, it was a joke) because only 14-year-old girls argue about things that were said on Twitter. Then she tried to allude to Lisa selling a story and smiled smugly like she caught her in some trap. Adrienne, we do not care a lick about Lisa and RadarOnline. There are plenty of people watching who don't even know what the hell that is or what story Lisa might have sold. Also, if the reporter from Radar is telling you that Lisa sells stories, why do you believe him? You take his word (and Bernie's) over the word of a woman who is supposed to be your friend? That's just cold.
If you have an accusation to make against Lisa, just make it. Don't be all coy. You're on television. If you're not going to state your case with specifics, then don't talk about it in front of a national audience. Don't bring up shit that happened off the show. We don't care about it, and we don't want to hear about it. Also, Lisa defended herself too well and when she said that she was offended, Adrienne should have been more sincere in her apology. Adrienne lost major points last night.
7. Kim Richards: Kim wasn't at the reunion last night. No, our little Blanched DuBois was relying on the kindness of strangers somewhere at a rehab facility while her sister Stella defended her honor on national television. She sat there in her room and she know what date it was. She knew what it meant. She knew where she was supposed to be. There had been a few frantic phone calls—with Kyle, with producers, with Andy himself—and they all said they wanted her to be better, but she knew where they wanted her. She knew they wanted her on set, her dress selected, her hair done, her face crystallized with makeup, a hard candy shell that would rupture with tears the first time she saw her face on television. She wasn't strong enough. She couldn't do it alone and face all the footage, face all the gags they would pull on her and the highlight reels.
She almost wanted to go, just to see what they did. Who knows if they would still do it without her. They probably were, she thought, as she lay in the room, the light simmering through the blinds and the blanket pulled up over her head. She just sighed over and over again, nervous about going, nervous about not going, just panicked and afraid, but not knowing what to do. Then Jillian from group knocked on her door. "Hey Kim. I think they're getting lunch ready. Kim?......Kim? Are you OK?" "Not really," she croaked, not even pulling down the covers.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"I don't think you'll understand."
"Kim, we've all been through it. We can all help. You don't even know the shit I went through."
"Well, I'm supposed to be at this reunion."
"Like a family reunion?"
"No, for my TV show. I know they're going to talk about me, and I'm not there, and I don't know what they're going to say. My sister is going to be there, and we're still in a fight and they're going to show all the footage of me picking trash out of the back of limos and lying about being late and rolling around on the floor of the bathroom and carting around this rock that I thought was my boyfriend, and I can't go. But I can't not go. I can't do anything. I'm totally worthless."
"Yeah, that's uh...I don't know what to say to that. But you can't let it beat you, Kim. You have more power than that. You did those things, and now you're going to have to answer for them, right? There's no more hiding."
"Does that mean I should go?"
"Well, what do you think you should do?"
Kim felt her breath beating against the blanket and back against her face. Her head was feeling warm and pained, like she had been under there too long, inhaling her own fumes, stewing in her own misery. "I don't know," she said so loudly it startled Jillian. "I don't know."
Tue, 31 Jan 2012 10:03:32 EST
Which Actor's Famous Girlfriend Thinks She Can Keep Him from Going Gay?
This actress thinks if she's kinky enough, her boyfriend won't be gay anymore. This former sitcom actress is writing a book outing her two lesbian costars and this singer has a girlfriend but one of her male bandmembers is her beard. Being in the closet is so much work.
1. "What soon to be A list movie actor's girlfriend who is also moving up the list quite nicely is convinced that she can keep him from wanting guys. She told a friend of hers the other day that as long as she stays kinky enough he will want her and not any of the guys he used to date. Hey, it worked for Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz for awhile." [CDaN]
2. "This C/D list actress, who had a big career on a sitcom in the '90s is writing a book about her experience in the television world. She is hoping to out not one, but two of her costars for engaging in a long and drawn out lesbian affair." [BuzzFoto]
3. "This 20-something, Grammy-winning pop star is hiding a secret lesbian life! The gifted musician has a girlfriend but tells everyone she's dating the hunky guitarist in her band!" [National Enquirer]
4. "Which pop star's fiance was spotted selling his soon-to-be wife's discarded designer jeans at the resale store Wasteland in Studio City, Calif.? The singer's beau tried to go unnoticed, but when someone in the store yelled out: "OMG! I know who you are!" he high-tailed it out of the shop and drove off in his white BMW!" [National Enquirer]
5. "Following a serious relapse last week, this award-winning performer was secretly admitted to a well-known rehab facility. When word of her condition got out, her team—apparently caring more about PR than her recovery—pulled her out of the first facility, issued a denial that she was in rehab, waited a couple of hours, then put her into another facility. And that was just the beginning of their PR games. They tried to knock the rehab story out of the headlines by planting a story about a breakup, but media outlets continued to carry the rehab story. They promised a staged photo op to prove that she was fine, but failed to deliver her because the rehab facility wouldn't let her leave in the middle of detox. They said that she was just hanging out at home, but when friends stopped by to see her, they were told that she had suddenly gone to visit a relative on the other side of the country. They tried to fake her participation in a live online interview, but fans cried foul when they noticed that dormant Twitter accounts were being used for the questions and that the answers sounded canned and phony.
Sadly, these PR lies are just a continuation of a year of lies about her living a healthy, sober life following her last rehab. In reality, she is an out-of-control party monster. And, we are sad to report, her problems are even worse this time around: alcohol, self-harming, and lots of drugs, including cocaine and heroin. There are lots of lies because there's lots of money and projects and products and endorsements and magazine covers at stake. If the fans aren't properly fooled into thinking she is a sweet, healthy girl, nobody gets paid! So they keep pretending that everything is fine (it's not), that she is healthy (she's not), and that they are so proud of her sobriety (Shut up, Mom). They need to keep her fans believing all of these lies order to keep the money rolling in. Although we do know her new location, we will not disclose it. We want her to stay in rehab. Yes, even though her fans want to believe that nothing is wrong, she is definitely back in rehab. And anything you hear to the contrary is a crock of shit." [Blind Gossip]
6. "Which two Latina actresses absolutely HATE each other? The stars have tried to avoid each other but are often auditioning for the same film roles – and the younger and more popular of the two seems to be getting all the parts!" [National Enquirer]
7. "What former sitcom and SNL star – he's part of a successful comedy dynasty – has just admitted his wannabe actress daughter to rehab? The comic gathered the whole clan together to say goodbye to his boozing little girl!" [National Enquirer]
8. "Which Bachelor contestant from this season went through horrible drug withdrawals for much of her filming on the show." [CDaN]
9. "Which leggy blonde actress is boozing again? The never-married former model raised eyebrows as she swigged champagne and partied with her new rapper boy toy at the Golden Globes after-parties." [National Enquirer]
Mon, 30 Jan 2012 16:55:00 EST
Game of Thrones: Swords Are Drawn
Did you guys watch Luck on HBO last night? Did you fall asleep like I did? Well, if you tuned in you saw the most exciting thing before the show even started: a new trailer for Game of Thrones.
We don't really learn anything at all about season two. Mostly it's just pictures of our favorite characters in dark and murky settings and some eunuch speaking some (probably misleading) words of wisdom. I can't tell you anything about what's going to happen except this is getting me even more excited for April 1. Also, where are the dragons?
Mon, 30 Jan 2012 15:15:00 EST
Shirley MacLaine Brings Her Fabulousness to Downton Abbey
I usually don't give a fuck about casting news, but when I saw that Shirley MacLaine was cast on Downton Abbey it seemed so awesomely perfect I thought for sure it had to be a prank. It isn't.
Yes, MacLaine is going to play the mother of American Lady Grantham (Elizabeth McGovern) who comes from the "colonies" to the English manor house in the third season. There is no way she's not going to start a bitch fight with Maggie Smith's Dowager Countess, right? I mean, this has to happen. Old dame Oscar winner face off!
"Series" three, as the Brits call it, starts filming next week and will air there in September and in the States on PBS sometime thereafter (but we all know you're going to steal it from the internet this fall anyway). Until then, get ready for some Shirley amazingness by watching her tear up "I'm Still Here."
[Image via Getty]
Mon, 30 Jan 2012 10:25:25 EST
Which Member of the Royal Family Likes Cocaine?
This foreign royal likes to indulge in the booger sugar when he's out at night clubs. This singer is giving fans herpes, this actor hates a movie he's in, and this actress is pissed she was offered the role of an older woman. Maybe a coke bender with a member of the monarchy will cheer her up.
1. "What member of a foreign royal family was caught inhaling disco dust in a nightclub bathroom during a recent sporting event?" [CDaN]
2. "This singer's sexuality has been questioned over and over again, but he does have a steady girlfriend with whom he attends awards shows. While he was out on tour, he had a fling with a fan. She soon discovered that he had given her herpes. She decided to sue him, and in the course of preparing her suit, wound up contacting his girlfriend. The girlfriend, who was surprisingly nonchalant about the whole thing, simply remarked, 'Well, you're certainly not the first one. We've been dealing with this situation for a long time.' It turns out that this singer is a one-man herpes distribution center." [Blind Gossip]
3. "What Hollywood actor got 'buyer's remorse' about a movie he stars in and began publicly distancing himself from it at its Sundance after-party, saying another movie was better?" [CDaN]
4. "This actress has done some big films (mostly comedies) and a lot of voice-over work for animated films. She was recently asked to do a film where she would have to play the role of an ornery mother-in-law. She was so offended by the offer, especially since her character would be older than she is in real life, that she temporarily fired her agent for even suggesting it to her." [BuzzFoto]
[Image via Getty]
Fri, 27 Jan 2012 15:12:12 EST
Jersey Shore: The Wonderful Wizard of Ass
What is happening with the greatest sociological experiment of our time? Everyone is getting along. Sammi and Ronnie aren't fighting. The Situation isn't being a dick. Everyone is getting along. It's so...so...boring.
Yes, last night continued the trend of lackluster episodes of this latest phase of our experiment. Yet again, we don't have any new vocabulary words to study and there isn't any new or revelatory behavior (except with the Bunny Suit) to investigate. It's just kind of lame.
It's like a guido working at the Shore Store—lots of lying around, and not much action. In fact, Bossman Danny finally gets pissed that Sitch has ditched the house and Vinny is hiding out in Staten Island. He even threatens to find some new roommates. After a few girls interview for the position, JWOWW goes and rips down the help wanted sign.
The thing about this experiment is that it is no longer about looking at guidos, but about looking at famous guidos, but trying to pretend they're not famous (as brilliant described by fellow Jersey scientist Patti Greco). JWOWW and co are pissed about the prospect of a new roommate because they don't want someone coming along getting $100K an episode like they do without paying their dues. They don't want to have to share the spotlight with anyone new. That's what this whole argument is about, they just find new ways to talk about keeping it "in the family" and whatnot. It's really all about the cash.
The strangest thing about the episode was the "Wizard of Ass," the "stripper pimp" that the girls hired to get the strippers for Situation's and DJ Paulie Debutante's birthday. Man, what an odd scene that was. It was just strange. That guy was strange. I'm all for females empowering other females in their sexuality (even if that means being paid to please men) but why not go to the girls directly? It's like they still have to go through some man to get to the ladies. The ladies can not operate on their own. It's a sad mash up of gender, class, labor, sexuality, and third-wave feminism. 17 dissertations were written about that one scene.
Also strange is that Sitch actually ends up taking the stripper home and spending the night with her. DJ Paulie Desperate knows that you don't try to fuck the stripper. It's the stripper's job to make you think that she is actually going to fuck you. That is what she gets paid to do: to give you a boner. She does not get paid to take care of that boner. That is what a prostitute is for. DJ Paulie Duh knows this, so he goes and gets himself another girl to take home who will actually fuck him for free. Sitch stays with his stripper either because he is so narcissistic that he thinks that she really does want to fuck him or because he paid for it. He can afford it! He's famous!
While I'm not entirely sure, as a scientist, what happened I can say that either the stripper fucking Situation was a direct result of a transaction or it was the exception that proves the rule about strippers not sleeping with you. It is either of those.
The bunny suit is, by far, the most interesting thing that happened in this dispatch. Deena and Snooki bought it at the party supply store because they say they are bored. Yes, they are now trapped inside the house and only really go out to work, GTL, or go to the club, most likely because there are throngs of fans waiting outside. This part of the issue, of course, is not addressed.
Instead, they bring home the bunny costume, which they are now using to scare people. While many people are scared by the guido's outlandish lifestyle, they are scared by the opposite. They are scared by inauthentic and cloying cuteness. JWOWW is terrified, not by Snooki jumping out, but by the inauthenticity that is attacking her. She is scared that she is going to have to live with something whose only purpose is to be adorable. Guidos hate adorable. The love "classy."
I'm not sure how long the bunny costume will last though. I have a feeling that the guido's household god, The Duck Phone, will take offensive to this craven idol and will smite it down with all his power.
Sammi got in a brawl. Good for Sammi. Why would an incident of such wanton violence happen to her though? Hm, it probably has nothing to do with the fact that every person in that club knows who she is, many of them don't like her, and they have only seen her be a nasty bitch on television. That probably had something to do with the fight. But we can't talk about that.
We can talk about the fact that no one better touch a guidette's weave. Can you believe another guidette tried to fuck with Sammi's weave? That is just seriously fucked up. That bitch got what she had coming to her. Sammi knows how to scrap and did not give up. Good for her self-defending her self with selflessness and self self self.
Because everyone was so bored in the house and DJ Paulie was Depressed without Vinny, they decided to do something and go get DJ Paulie's Disguised boyfriend back. I love that he refers to Vinny as his boyfriend. I know their love is Platonic, but the smile of joy he had on his face when he made that announcement was just so sweet. In my mind, DJ Paulie Domestic Partner and Vinny are totally boyfriends and they're in love and they just have this sweet wonderful gay relationship and Vinny is the bottom and it's just so damn cute.
So, they all drive up to Staten Island (with Deena wearing her fairy wings, like she's going to a gay Halloween party in 1998) and storm Vinny's house. He's still a little bit off, feeling anxious, and smarting from the enormous "Let Go, Let God" tattoo across his chest (that he seems to regret already). But he agrees to go back. Why? Well, because he's missing out on $100K for every episode he's at his parents' house, that's why.
He even says that he's not 100% but he has a contract, he has obligations, he has fame. Until we can put that into the equation of our sociological experiment, nothing else seems to mesh.
Fri, 27 Jan 2012 10:38:51 EST
What if Posters for Oscar-Nominated Movies Told the Truth?
A website with the lovely name "theshiznit.co.uk" has created a series of fake posters for Oscar-nominated movies with the theme "if 2012's Oscar-nominated movie posters told the truth." I think "funny" is definitely a word that I could see being applied to these. Click in the lower-left corner of the picture to see full-sized. Happy traffic day, by the way. [The Shiznit]
Fri, 27 Jan 2012 10:25:42 EST
Which Recovering Celebrity Was Getting Pain Pills from Movie Set Doctors?
This leading lady was getting prescriptions filled from multiple on-set doctors. This actress slept with a casting director to get her big role (surprise, surprise) and this actress feels guilty that her movies objectify women. There's no pill to make that go away.
1. "A tipster emailed us that this actress, who is trying to whip herself into shape in rehab, was using on-set doctors to get multiple prescriptions for pain pills. The docs kept quitting because their feared for the licenses, but the producers kept finding more MDs to give her whatever she wanted. Things got so bad that she was even having unnecessary dental work just so she could get the attendant prescription." [Gawker]
2. "In honor of Australia Day, I thought I would make this blind item Australian. This actress is formerly A list, but now a good solid B. Back in the day when she got her role that made her internationally famous she got the role by sleeping with not just the casting director, but also this rounadabout Australian who was a friend of the director and was already bored with his wife. A further clue is this actress got naked in the movie for which she was cast." [CDaN]
3. "This B list actress has recently been studying feminist theory and saw a documentary, in which clips of her were featured, that discussed the portrayal of women in the media. She was shocked to realize she was part of a system that sexualizes women and is determined to do something about it. She told her agent she refuses to be booked in any role that objectifies a woman. While this is a step in the right direction, her team is worried since most of her previous roles have been based on her appearance." [BuzzFoto]
[Image via Getty]
Thu, 26 Jan 2012 13:47:42 EST
Third Hangover Movie Imminent
Hollywood Reporter via NYDN: "After months of headaches over stars Bradley Cooper, Zack Galifanakis and Ed Helms' $15 million-plus contract demands, Warner Brothers is nearing a deal" for The Hangover III. Hollywood will not stop until it grinds this franchise into the ground, sucking every last dollar and ounce of humor from Zach Galifanakis' slowly draining soul. Not a bad way to go, all things considered. [image via Warner-Brothers]
Thu, 26 Jan 2012 10:45:10 EST
Which Music Exec Has a Harem of Women He Doesn't Sleep With?
This famous music man keeps a bevy of beautiful women on the payroll. They're not for his pleasure, they're to lure in new artists. This actress doesn't want to keep her baby and another actress' famous husband is cheating with the nanny. See the trouble that happens when there are babies around?
1. "This very famous music exec is said to have a harem of young women that he keeps in several New York apartments. He doesn't necessarily sleep with them himself, but uses them to help lure young musicians or influential people in the business, when he needs to." [BuzzFoto]
2. "A pregnancy in a family is normally happy news. Not so much for this over-30 actress. She is pregnant again, but unsure whether or not she wants to carry this baby to term. You see, she was planning on asking her husband for a divorce this year, and another baby with him was just not part of the plan. She told her friends that her reaction when she saw the positive pregnancy test was "Oh, no! Not another one!" She is only about 4 weeks along, so there is still plenty of time to decide. And since they have lots of money and are already good parents to their existing child/ren, keeping the baby wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. But she really needs to tell her husband first. That's right: you know about the pregnancy before he does." [Blind Gossip]
3. "Her significant other tricked her, plain and simple. This B+ movie actress who has been nominated for the biggest of the big awards has been involved in a relationship with this almost A list movie actor. He has cheated. Lots. They even took a month long break. Then he came back to her and apologized and she made him tell her who he had been cheating with and he promised to remove the woman from her life. He has. So what is the big deal you ask? There were two women, not just one and he gave up the one he had already called it quits with. The other one is right there. Everyday. It is the nanny. Doesn't our actress realize it? Everyone of their friends knows it and it is right there but she seems oblivious because she thinks he got rid of the mistress." [CDaN]
[Image via Getty]
Wed, 25 Jan 2012 12:35:14 EST
That's Not Juliette Lewis Getting Boned by Terry Richardson, Juliette Lewis's Publicist Says
We got an angry email from Juliette Lewis' publicist (she must be doing pretty well if she has a publicist) saying that the girl getting boned in this picture by perv photo Terry Richardson is not Juliette Lewis. Then it must be a photo of Terry Richardson fucking a girl that looks like Juliette Lewis.
Here's the email we got from Juliette's real live publicist.
From: Carleen <[redacted]>
Date: Wed, Jan 25, 2012 at 12:08 PM
Subject: URGENT: Juliette Lewis
To: "legal@gawker.com"
Hi-
I am Juliette Lewis' publicist. The image that you have on your site right now is not of her. I need it taken down immediately and the story retracted.
It is correct that she did a shoot with Terry several years ago but this is absolutely not a shot from that shoot nor does this image even have her in it.
Please confirm you received this email and that the image/ story will be taken down.
But that is still totally Terry Richardson though (and I would still totally suck his dick).
Wed, 25 Jan 2012 11:07:00 EST
This Is a Picture of Miley Cyrus Eating a Penis Cake
TMZ got their grubby little hands on some really amazing photos of slowly curdling tween sensation Miley Cyrus eating a penis cake. Oh, Miley, this actually makes me kind of love you.
This is a birthday cake for her boyfriend Liam "Loki" Helmsworth (whose hunky brother Chris starred in the movie Thor). Why would you buy your straight boyfriend a dick confection? Is there something about Liam that we should know about? Is Miley one of those beards that we read so much about in the blind items? Is this penis pierced or hairy or is that some kind of butthole in the taint area? Did anyone ever teach her that is not how you give a blow job?
That said, I have once posed with a penis cake of my own (thanks Nightclub 9:30) and made the same open mouth pose at the wrong end of the cock cake, so I guess it's natural. Also, Miley is now jacking my style. Back off, Hannah Montana.
Wed, 25 Jan 2012 09:50:06 EST
Which Rapper Shared Some Women with Another Celebrity in Sundance?
This kinky hip-hop star had quite the party in Sundance. Only this other celeb and a few women were invited and both men got to share. Speaking of sharing, this actress' new nanny is her partner's ex-lover. And baby makes four?
1. "So, apparently this pretty much A list rapper. R& B singer has a little kink in him. Actually I should say a big kink in him. Now I get why he and this A list female pop star with the bad judgment when it comes to exes hit it off for a few months. They can each out kink the other. Anyway, our male A list rapper picked up a couple of women the other night and shared them with this celebrity who was having trouble on his own. The only condition? Our rapper wanted to not only watch the celebrity with the one woman but then also wanted to swap after an hour. Oh, and this will be revealed." [CDaN]
2. "Which B list actress, who recently entered motherhood hired a nanny for her baby? The blind here is that the nanny is a former lover of her partner, and she knows and has no issues with it." [BuzzFoto]
[Image via Getty]
Tue, 24 Jan 2012 19:09:57 EST
Demi Moore Rushed to Hospital for Drugs, Headed to Rehab
Last night barely divorced actress Demi Moore was taken to the hospital in an ambulance for issues related to substance abuse. We're not sure what the symptoms were or what the substances are, but 911 was called, so it couldn't have been pretty.
Her rep tells TMZ. ""Because of the stresses in her life right now, Demi has chosen to seek professional assistance to treat her exhaustion and improve her overall health. She looks forward to getting well and is grateful for the support of her family and friends." Yeah, "exhaustion." Eye roll. Can we retire that from the publicist lexicon forever? Why not just own up to whatever it was she was on and get it over with?
Still this is a little shocking for Demi. We knew she was going through it, but drugs? This is just like her performance in St. Elmo's Fire. Get better, Jules.
[Image via Getty]
Tue, 24 Jan 2012 14:36:46 EST
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: One Wedding, Everyone's Funeral
As the mist clears on the glen, the great city of Brigadoon Hills once again disappears beyond the horizon to disappear for yet another interval. But before that can happen it left us with a wedding, the gift of true love, a wake, and the tearless grieving of a host of widows.
Really, last night's finale was something of an anticlimax. Sure, it was nice watching Pandora open up her box and get married, but the real finale was last week when Lisa opened her Super Urban Restaurant and had the most ridiculous party every to grace an episode of the Real Housewives. There was Kim Richards in slurry captivity in the bathroom, the interloper Cedric returning for one last bout of air kisses, and Taylor, sad singing clam Taylor, bringing her psychiatrist as her date to address the issues of her abuse. There was Pumice, grinning craggily in the corner; there was Brandi, confronting the waitress who fucked her husband; and there was a classic scene of Kyle and Kim breaking down, Kim saying that she was pregnant and Kyle, as the voice of the audience, saying, "Are you fucking kidding me? You couldn't even push a cloud of smoke out of your dusty vagina," and Kim saying, "You're right, I'd rather travel. Oh, look a rose. Do you like this rose? How about some lip gloss. Kyle," she said, very seriously. "Will you share this lip gloss with me?" And she reached her wrinkled paw out with the shockingly pick applicator in Kyle's direction, pointing it at her like it was a magic wand, like she could lift the curse on their relationship with a little bit of dye and petroleum jelly. Kyle thought about it long and hard and then she took it. She took the lip gloss and put it on herself. Once again sisters, once again a set: light and dark, salt and pepper, slightly drunk and totally bombed. These are the Sisters Richards, fumbling toward ecstasy and falling into insanity.
Yes, after all of that, this week was more than a little bit of a let down. The only thing that came close in this week's episode was Paul Maloof getting a colonoscopy. It's not like we got to see what went up his butt or what came out of it, but we did get to hear it. Oh yes we did. I'm sorry, but fart jokes are always funny. So are incoherent people on anesthesia. Put together a stoned patient and flatulence and you have yourself comedy gold. There's nothing I can say about this except, "Ha, fart jokes," but HA! fart jokes. Oh, and what was Adrienne, queen of the the Maloofs the creatures that live below the mountain, doing there? She says she's showing up for moral support, but she won't give Paul an enema (and let's not pretend she hasn't done exactly that in nurse/patient role play in the medical fetish suite at the Palms) and she just leaves while he's still farting away and barely able-bodied on a gurney. She doesn't stay and offer him a ride home. No, she ditches him to work on his bed sores all alone. Yeah, that's the kind of support I want, Adrienne. Long live the queen.
As for Pandora's wedding, well, I don't have that much to say about it. Sorry. It was nice. It was lovely. Everyone showed up and behaved well and it was a nice pleasant affair. The preparations were harried but generally jovial, as Li Sa Van Der Pump tends to be. Sure, Ken doddered around (Ken has an Olympic bronze medal in doddering from the 1988 Seoul Olympics) and wedding planner Kevin Lee showed up in one of Michael Jackson's old outfits and a face made out of grey fondant like he's a living wedding cake.
Really the most interesting thing about the whole wedding preparations was the make up lady that Lisa hired to do the job. She was like Madrox, the Multiple Man, or some shit, because when Kory saw that there were too many people to make up, she split in two and became Kelsey. When even that was not enough womanpower for the massive job of making 7 upper class British girls into beautiful roses, she split again into Kaeli. That, right there, is an objective correlative for living in luxury in the Los Angeles area: a triplet makeup artist named Kaeli who is dressed identically to her sisters. We're supposed to find this shocking and amusing, but I found it sad, like I wanted to cry for the little Makeup Clones of Beverly Hills.
Yes, there was a wedding and now Pandora is married to Jason, a handsome Eagle Scout who is hiding a secret. After a speech from Lisa and a toast from Ken, they walked off into the night, her dress floating among the grass and splendor of the back yard as the guests all held sparklers, little shining beacons of hope throwing off sparks into the night. May they ignite. May every one of them ignite with happiness for Pandora and Jason. How diseased is our culture, how wrong are we that we're watching this and we all think, "I wonder when it will be over? I wonder when they'll divorce?" as if the thing that defines modern matrimony is the moment when it ends.
That's what I was thinking last night, at least. Maybe that was because of Taylor. Oh, poor sad Taylor. After the wedding we jumped forward a couple months into the future, after Russell committed suicide to see the ladies get back together one final time. I love that they never really address Russell's death. It's just dealt with as a fact, something that everyone who watches the show already knows about. They don't say why or what happened, just, "Here is the fact. Russell is dead." Is there a funeral, a wake, or a memorial service? No, they have a party. That is how the Housewives do. They get together and they great each other with the customary Real Housewives greeting, "You look great," and carry on like nothing happened. (Did you ever notice that? That is how they say hi to each other on all the franchises. It's some strange Housewife folkway.)
Even as everyone came together, we didn't learn that much new. Apparently Saint Camille, the Goddess of Grammer, has a new man lover. She has found her Adonis, a Greek god by the name of Dimitry. We haven't seen his face yet, but man, have we seen his abdominal muscles. Like a bronzed statue, those abs. What a change of pace from Kelsey, with his pasty carapace of a stomach, pelted with fur and always plopping itself down on St. Camille's taut body. The sweetest thing was when Camille was talking to her friend Elizabeth, she said she didn't know if she could get married again, that she needed to learn how to trust, but that she did want a companion. "I believe in love," she said. Awww. That's so sweet. Elizabeth hugged her in front of the vanity, there among the eye shadows and turquoise jewelry, and they heard a strange rustle outside in the bushes. There was a sobbing and a sharpening of knives. It was D.D., St. Camille's shunned acolyte. She was turned away for being too devout. For wanting devote all her time and attention and love to St. Camille, for waging wars in her honor and collecting troops under her banner. Oh, D.D., Camille has cast you out, but you won't stand for that. She is single. She is white. And she is a female. Watch out for the revenge of D.D., everyone, because there is no angle more deadly than the fallen one.
Other than that, the only thing that marked the little pity party at the end of the episode was an absence. It was like the gap in the back of your mouth after a molar has been pulled. Your tongue is magnetically attracted to it, plumbing its vacancy over and over again, prodding at the pain and wondering what was lost. It's like trying to remember this new world, one that is not complete. That pulled molar was Kim Richards, home alone at her Sad Valley Ranch with the blinds pulled. She was sitting in the corner of the living room which was strewn with used food containers, various and assorted bottles, and the flaming slits of afternoon light. But she couldn't face the sun. No, Kim couldn't face anything.
She couldn't stop crying. She was out of pills, she was out of love, she was out of hope. She had nowhere to go. Her sister was still angry with her, her children were disillusioned with her constant need for reassurance, even Pumice, the rock that she painted a face on and called a boyfriend, disappointed her. It couldn't love her. It couldn't fill that emptiness inside. Nothing could. She knew that. She knew that again, like a name she had forgotten. For the millionth time she knew it and kept saying it over and over again to keep herself from forgetting again. It wasn't something wrong with her sister or her kids or the pills. It was something wrong with her. It was something about the Disney castle past that just never lived up to the ruined ranch present.
She couldn't stop crying. She couldn't stop everything. Feeling everything at once, every bristle of the carpet beneath her and the texture of the wall that was too lumpy to ever be smooth, too inherently flawed to ever be perfect. She could feel the scratch of her clothes and the heat of the house, sufferingly sweltering as the day's sun heated everything. She was insane with feelings. That's when she saw it, just out of reach: her phone. She crawled over, still wracked with sobs and picked it up. She pushed the little green button with a phone on it. Nothing happened. She pushed it again. Still the screen was blank. She pushed it again and again and again and nothing happened. It, too, was dead. She wished she had the energy to to throw it, but she didn't. She just fell back into the carpet and let it lie there in her hand—weak and helpless.
She couldn't stop crying. She thought she could lie there forever, one slat of light across her face as the rest of her sulked in the shadow. They would find her just like this when she died. If she died. This was the end, she thought, as she pulled her knees into her body a little bit tighter. Unless...
She couldn't stop crying, but she felt something like electricity in her feet, a stern tingling that said, "If you want to. You can move a little." And she did, up and onto her feet as she stumbled into the kitchen and fell toward the cordless phone, energized in its cradle. She grabbed it like Sylvester Stallone grasping for a crag in Cliffhanger. That is how Kim always thinks, in movie moments. This was the scene of her redemption. She just realized this wasn't the end of her tale. There was still one more act. The act where she gets it together. The act where she slowly lunges toward happiness every day. She pushed the button on the phone and it came alive with a beep and a hum. She dialed, too slowly to be called frantic, but with a shaky purpose. She dialed. She did it. She finally did something. "Help," she said into the receiver while it was still ringing, before anyone picked up. "Help."
Tue, 24 Jan 2012 10:25:38 EST
Which Barely Legal Tween Actress Hooked up with an Older Director at Sundance?
This actress made a splash at Sundance. It wasn't with an indie film, it was by sleeping with a much older director. Don't worry, she just turned 18. Also at Sundance, this actor hooked up with a much older actress. Do they hold this festival twice—in May and December?
1. "This what now counts for an A list Tween television actress was flirting heavily with this director who is the boyfriend of this usually annoying B list movie actress. Anyway, the director was going to keep it at flirting until the tweener told him she was over 18(barely). Hello hotel room. I'm sure the excuse he gave to his girlfriend for missing her big event was priceless. Our B list actress was out of her mind ticked off." [CDaN]
2. "More fun from Sundance! This C list actor and entertainer was seen in the very early morning hours, leaving the hotel room of a very old film actress who is in town promoting her movie…" [BuzzFoto]
3. "Which squeaky-clean pop star is desperately trying to keep his pot-smoking habit and hookups with a Las Vegas hooker under wraps? The young crooner's famous girlfriend wouldn't care so much about his wacky weed habit, but she probably wouldn't appreciate the cheating!" [National Enquirer]
4. "This woman, who is rather thick to begin with, has always been very weight conscious. After plumping up a little recently, she wanted to sport a flat tummy at an upcoming awards show so you could marvel at how amazing and perfect she is. So she had some liposuction last week. While she's been keeping a very low profile lately, she's never been one to stay out of the spotlight for long, so the paps just might catch a glimpse of her out in public in either Los Angeles or New York. They might even note that she is walking slower than usual or holding her stomach. In any case, you will definitely see her at an upcoming awards show – perhaps even on stage, pretending that her flat stomach is the result of discipline and hard work." [Blind Gossip]
5. "Which former boy-bander was recently spotted shopping for discounted holiday cards at the CVS Pharmacy in Hollywood? The blonde, out-of-work singer/ actor – who's put on a few pounds since his "DWTS" stint – was complaining about the state of TinselTown's unemployment." [National Enquirer]
6. "These two popular talk-show hosts have been blasting each other with sly on-air comments. The chatty daytime rivals have been tossing the other's competing show under the proverbial bus! Who are they?" [National Enquirer]
7. "Which Golden Globe-winning TV star's short-lived marriage ended because he couldn't curb his sex addiction? The twice-married hunk was attending 12-step meetings to cure his cravings, but when he relapsed, his actress wife told him to hit the road!" [National Enquirer]
8. "Which handsome Oscar-winning actor has been caught in the middle of a children's charity crisis? Turns out the big star – who has no kids – was scheduled to appear at the charity's function by the ambitious wife of his production partner. Now the A-lister has to decide whether to back out and disappoint the kiddies in need – or cancel a vacation he planned with his hot new girlfriend." [National Enquirer]
Tue, 24 Jan 2012 09:28:11 EST
The 2012 Oscar Nominations Give Us Plenty of Options for Best Picture
The nominations for this year's Oscars were announced this morning and the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences tapped exactly who you thought they would. That's not a bad thing. There were some surprises though. Here's a full list of the nominees.
Critical darlings like The Artist, The Help, Midnight in Paris, Hugo, and The Descendants were showered with nominations. I can't believe that Woody Allen, Martin Scorsese, George Clooney, and Meryl Streep are all up for Oscars. That never happens. Hugo, Scorsese's 3D movie that is an old man's idea of what kids would want to see, has the most nominations with 11.
The biggest shock was that with the Academy's new impossible to understand nominating system, we have nine Best Picture nominees. Traditionally five films were tapped, but for the past two years the list expanded to 10. This was the first year the new system, which allows anywhere from five to 10 nominations, was used and it seems the new math favors lots of nominees. The category was initially opened up to include more blockbusters and fan favorites which gooses the ratings for the awards show broadcast. Instead, we just added room for movies like Tree of Life, War Horse, and Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Sure, they all did well, but they're no Harry Potter.
The only other true shocks were a nod for Demián Bichir for Best Actor for A Better Life (which I had to look up on IMDb to remember what it was) and a Best Supporting Actor nod for Nick Nolte for Warrior, which everyone thought was a mixed martial arts schlockfest based on the way it was marketed. Let's get to the list.
Best Picture War Horse The Artist Moneyball The Descendants Tree of Life Midnight in Paris The Help Hugo Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
Best Actress
Glenn Close, Albert Nobbs
Viola Davis, The Help
Rooney Mara, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady
Michelle Williams, My Week with Marilyn
Best Actor
Demián Bichir, A Better Life
George Clooney, The Descendants
Jean Dujardin, The Artist
Gary Oldman, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
Brad Pitt, Moneyball
Best Supporting Actress
Bérénice Bejo, The Artist
Jessica Chastain, The Help
Melissa McCarthy, Bridesmaids
Janet McTeer, Albert Nobbs
Octavia Spencer, The Help
Best Supporting Actor
Kenneth Branagh, My Week with Marilyn
Jonah Hill, Moneyball
Nick Nolte, Warrior
Christopher Plummer, Beginners
Max von Sydow Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
Best Director
Michele Hazanavicius, The Artist
Alexander Payne, The Descendants
Martin Scorsese, Hugo
Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris
Terrence Malick, The Tree of Life
Best Original Screenplay
Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist
Annie Mumolo Kristin Wiig, Bridesmaids
J.C. Chandor, Margin Call
Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris
Asghar Farhadi, A Separation
Best Adapted Screenplay
Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon, Jim Rash, The Descendants
John Logan, Hugo
George Clooney, Grant Heslov, Beau Willimon, Ides of March
Steven Zallian, Aaron Sorkin, Stan Chervin, Moneyball
Bridget O'Connor, Peter Straughan, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
Best Foreign Film Bullhead Footnote In Darkness Monseiur Lazar A Separation
Best Animated Feature A Cat in Paris Chico & Rita Kung Fu Panda 2 Puss in Boots Rango
Best Animated Short Dimanche/Sunday
The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore
La Luna
A Morning Stroll
Wild Life
Best Live Action Short Pentecost
Raju
The Shore
Time Freak
Tuba Atlantic
Best Art Direction The Artist Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 Hugo Midnight in Paris War Horse
Best Cinematography The Artist The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo Hugo The Tree of Life War Horse
Best Costumes Anonymous The Artist Hugo Jane Eyre W.E.
Best Documentary Feature Hell and Back Again If a Tree Falls: A Story of the Earth Libration Front Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory Pina Undefeated
Best Documentary Short The Barber of Birmingham: Foot Soldier of the Civil Rights Movement God is the Bigger Elvis Incident in New Baghdad Saving Face The Tsunami and the Cherry Blossom
Best Film Editing The Artist The Descendants The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo Hugo Moneyball
Best Makeup Albert Nobbs Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 The Iron Lady
Best Original Score The Adventures of TinTin The Artist Hugo Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy War Horse
Best Original Song
"Man or Muppet", The Muppets
"Real in Rio", Rio
Best Sound Editing Drive The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo Hugo Transformers: Dark of the Moon War Horse
Best Visual Effects Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 Hugo Real Steel Rise of the Planet of the Apes Transformers: Dark of the Moon
[Image via AP]
Mon, 23 Jan 2012 12:55:50 EST
People Say Really Stupid Things About The Wire on OKCupid
The Wire is one of my favorite shows of all time and, yes, one of the best shows ever on television. That does not mean a show about urban blight, broken systems, drug dealers, and the strange Baltimore accent is going to get you laid. Probably the opposite in fact. But that doesn't mean people aren't using The Wire to try to get dates on OKCupid.
I'm not all that familiar with the ins and outs of eYenta OKCupid, but apparently lots of people (men especially) like to refer to The Wire in their profiles. As a result we have this lovely new Twitter account OKCLovesTheWire, which sends out the strangest paeans to the dearly departed HBO telenovela. Here are a selection of my favorites so far.
OK, guys (and Cupid, I guess), I'm going to clue you into something: The Wire is not sexy. Well, the show itself has a lot of sex in it, but talking about The Wire and obsessing over it like a drooling fanboy will not impress women. All the ladies I interviewed said that if a boy talked about The Wire on a date, it would not make her moist in the panties like he might hope it would. In fact, it would do the opposite. And some of these ladies were fans of The Wire.
As for some of these specific Tweets, watching a television show is not a skill, talking about peeing in a dating profile is a bad idea (unless you're on WaterSportsFans.com), and saying that you can't follow something will make you sound stupid. Also, The Wire is a TV show, and if you want to attract someone on the basis of liking or not liking a TV show, then maybe you shouldn't say you're going to ditch your TV after watching said show because, well, that makes you sound like a stupid, irrational, insufferable snob. Also, do not quote entire scenes of anything on a date. That is bad. You want to woo a girl with your words and your personality, not something you learned rewatching a television show on your Friday nights alone. That just makes you look boring and unoriginal.
The only good quotes so far on this Twitter feed are the last two. The one about being a longshoreman is sexy because blue collar guys with big muscles are a turn on (at least to this The Wire viewer). Also, it references the show in an indirect way so it clues the ladies into this strapping gentleman's love for The Wire without making him sound like it defines him in some scary way. The final one is great because, well, everyone loves Omar and it is sort of a silly take on The Show That Dares Speak Its Name Over and Over on OKCupid. What you want on any dating profile is to sound clever and original and sexy and unique. Raving about The Wire, though justified, is none of those things.
Mon, 23 Jan 2012 10:22:13 EST
Which Boy Band Star Is a Closet Case?
This boy band member had a string of fake girlfriends so that no one would know he's gay. This actress is keeping her pregnancy a secret, and this actor is married to a woman but secretly gay. Is there nothing but closets in Hollywood?
1. "It is really hard to believe this former A- list boy bander and now a C who kind of was his own one boy band has always been in the closet. Despite every single public romance he has had with a woman he has always wanted to come out. He has been caught so many times and given the perfect opportunity to come out, but he keeps waiting and waiting.
He dated this huge tween actress for a very long time but most of the time she was having sex with our boy bander's brother. The brother is where she was rumored to have picked up the gift that keeps on giving. The good news for the brother was that since the boy bander was "dating" her, the brother never got in trouble for having sex with a minor for almost a year.
One time our boy bander was on tour with a different girlfriend. This girlfriend was a singer and is now an actress or she may still be both. Anyway, this actress/singer had no clue that our boy bander liked guys and was a virgin at the time. She got the gift that keeps on giving from a different band guy. Anyway, the virgin walked in on our boy bander on his knees servicing one of his male backup dancers. About an hour later the virgin was gone.
One of the boy banders best "girlfriends" was with this celebutante who made her name in some sex tape action and a reality show. Anyway, she was totally into the fact that our boy bander liked guys and was into having threesomes. She moved on though because a celebrity couple offered her more money to come stay with them for awhile.
I don't think there is any truth to the rumor that our boy bander had sex with the celebrity father of one of his other "girlfriends." She is also a celebrity, although I wish she was not." [CDaN]
2. "This B/C list film actress will probably be announcing a pregnancy soon, unless the three positive pregnancy tests she left in a public restroom at a restaurant don't belong to her." [BuzzFoto]
3. "This young celebrity is gay. His parents didn't feel that his sexual orientation would enable him to be successful, so they pushed him into marriage early to maintain that wholesome family image and to quash gay rumors. They picked out a star struck young lady for him, and quickly announced their engagement. Imagine the young girl's surprise when she found out that her sexy new husband didn't want to have sexy time with her. They do smile and kiss while posing for PR photos, but then he goes cruising for guys on the internet. He also likes to hit up the gay bars when he's in LA. You might think that he has the best of both worlds, but he is actually miserable in the fake marriage. For right now, though, he just isn't strong enough to get out… or come out." [Blind Gossip]
[Image via Getty]
Fri, 20 Jan 2012 16:48:42 EST
The Golden Age of American Idol Is Over
The ratings are in for America Idol's two-part premiere this week and the numbers aren't good. It's average ratings among 18-44 year-olds (the only people the universe cares about) dropped 44% from two years ago. Yeah, that's almost half.
On Wednesday night the first half hour of Idol tied with Big Bang Theroy. Yes, even CBS sitcoms are threatening Idol's supremacy. In total viewers it didn't fare too badly. It averaged 18 million on Thursday, down from 22.9 million a year ago, but even that is down from its almost 40 million heyday. Still most shows would kill for 18 million, but it looks like Idol is more like fat, drugged out Elvis in a jumpsuit than his smooth, slick, money making younger self.
There are a million reasons for this (it's old, there are million imitators, the judges all left, Ryan Seacrest is annoying, the winners haven't been that great, Steven Tyler has man boobs) but this is the first sound of its death rattle.
[Image via Getty]
Fri, 20 Jan 2012 15:42:13 EST
Camille Grammer Doesn't Want to Return to Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
According to some dodgy sources, Camille Grammer, the only person to ever improve her image by doing a second season of a reality show, doesn't want to return to the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills for season three. What a shame.
Camille was the bitchy, self-deluded villain of season one, but after a divorce from Kelsey Grammer between seasons, she shaped herself into a well-spoken, well-dressed, well-mannered saint of fabulousness. Way go to Camille. A "Bravo insider" told RadarOnline that Camille doesn't want to come back and that the network is asking the other cast members to introduce their rich friends instead.
The source also reveals that Camille's delightfully skanky sidekick Brandi Glanville might play a bigger part next year (we hope!) and that Kim Richards wants to leave but can't because she needs the money (duh!) so she'll be back. But still, it would be nothing without our St. Camille. She played this same game between seasons one and two so maybe this is just so that we'll talk about how much we like her this time around.
[Image via Getty]
Fri, 20 Jan 2012 13:38:32 EST
Jersey Shore: The Tangled Web We Weave
Oh the harm that can befall a guidette during the greatest sociological experiment of our time. Sure she can't be sullied by reputation, but there are still horrible fates than can befall her, like the intractable tangle of her weave. And that was just the start of last night's disasters.
Poor Deena, wracked with heaving sobs at the loss of her "soul" Vinny, she ended up overcompensating and wound up with her weave in a horrible bundle. When she first heard the news of Vinny's departure, JWOWW, the group's surrogate mother, had to comfort her. Later, as it so often does, the guido's grief turned into a celebration and when Deena and Snooki got home from a day-long bender, Deena's weave was knotted and mangled and practically pulling out her real hair.
There is no specific reason this happens to a guidette. In fact a combination of dancing too hard, falling on the ground, spilling drinks, and sweating would cause anyone's weave to become a knotted mess. It's just that most people wouldn't engage in all these behaviors at once. Of course, it is up to JMOMM (That's JWOWW upside down) to help Deena get all the tracks out of her hair, like she's a toddler who went to bed with a mouth full of Bubble Yum and woke up with a head full of sticky dreads.
Now is the time when we have to look at the guido's vocabulary so we'll know exactly what they're talking about.
Peccorina: This is not a real word, this is a curse word that the guidos made up. They took the name of a popular cheese, added a feminine ending to it, and claim that it is a new dirty word. We're not sure of its exact meaning because when The Situation used it for the first time, The Duck Phone made a loud beeping sound that will obscure its true meaning forever. The Duck Phone is, once again, keeping the guidos' secrets.
Wastey Pants: These are the underwear that guidettes wear when they go out with the objective of getting entirely wasted. They know that their skirts will ride up, they will fall to the ground with their legs in the air, and they will find all sorts of creative ways to show off their neither regions. These pants keep their private parts in check. More often than not, they forget to wear this garment when they head out.
AAA: A synonym for a dependable booty call. As The Situation describes it, "If you call her, she'll be there."
The Dip: To leave the premises unannounced. Have we covered this before? It feels like we have.
Yes, everyone was very, very sad that Vinny was gone. We even saw him return home to Staten Island looking exhausted and a bit defeated but happy that there was a lasagna waiting in the oven. Deena and Snooki celebrated Vinny leaving by getting really drunk and causing Deena's weave to tangle into and onto itself. I don't really have time to parse Deena's closeted lesbianism, her mourning of Vinny, and her proclamation that she loves gay men. Let's just say it reaffirms everything you think about Deena (in those soft, quiet moments when you do think about Deena).
Ronnie and Sammi and JWOWW called Vinny to make sure he was doing OK. But DJ Paulie Dirty enacted the traditional mourning ritual for a fallen guido comrade. He went out to Karma, found a girl that Vinny would have loved (slightly older and covered with tattoos) and brought her home and fucked her in Vinny's bed. As we know, the guido's bed is an avatar for his soul, for his very existence. While Vinny's bed is still in the house, it is like he is there as well. When DJ Paulie Deliverance fucks a girl in Vinny's bed, it is like he is fucking her as well. It's like when a member of an urban gang culture pours out some alcohol for a lost brother in arms, but instead of booze, we have a tatted up cougar. It's all ceremonial, but it is the ultimate show of respect and a rather apt display of mourning.
Can we take a minute to talk about Paula? Paula is a new guidette that is having some sort of relationship with The Situation. I would say that sleeping with the same person more than once constitutes a relationship, but this is especially true for the guido, who is known for treating women like Slim Jims—delicious snacks that are readily available and not given a second thought to after they're consumed. But Paula keeps coming back for more and The Situation keeps calling for her.
The thing that Paula explains to Sammi is that she doesn't really care what people think or say about her, she just does what she wants. Trying to conform to some notion of self causes disappointment and heartbreak. Paula doesn't care if she's in her bikini at the bar. She doesn't care if boys write DTF on her ass with a Sharpie. She doesn't care if they call her slut to her face. Paula doesn't even know what a fuck is, so there is no way she can give one.
There is something sad about this, that she allows herself to be so mistreated, but there is some sort of strange alchemy that works in the heart of the guido that makes this strategy successful. Maybe she has found empowerment in her degradation? I'm not sure. We need to study this one more closely
The thing about other guidos is that they don't care what mainstream society thinks about their strange behaviors and folkways, but they care how they are perceived by others in the tribe. That means they have to hold on to some notion of integrity and respect. Paula, who is outside of the guido culture but existing alongside it, doesn't hold these notions. She is complete free, and she is totally wise. I like me some Paula, even though she's fucking Sitch. Ew.
Competing with Paula for The Situation's attention is this crazy Bosnian chick that we will call Grilled Cheese, because that is what she tells Sitch she would like him to make for her in the morning. Grilled Cheese goes into the Shore Store, where the guidos are held captive for several hours a day "working," and approaches The Situation about trying on a pair of shorts. Because she is hot, he immediately complies and she flirts with him heavily.
Later that night, she finds him out at Aztec getting dirty with the rest of his crew. "I've been searching for you all day," she says. But Paula is there, so Sitch sends her over to DJ Paulie Distracted. She then flirts heavily with him, so heavily, in fact, that she goes home with him. But Grilled Cheese will not put out, and it is DJ Paulie Debut's birthday! That is against the guido code of honor not to fuck the guy you go home with on his birthday. DJ Paulie Dispatcher calls her a cab and gets rid of her.
10 minutes later, there is a knock at the door. It is Grilled Cheese. She doesn't want to go home yet, she just wants to "hang out," with the guys. This is all very suspect. Taking all this evidence into account, there is only one logical reason that she is behaving like this: Grilled Cheese is a spy.
This is not the first time a comely foreign national has tried to get with the guidos. Of course there is the original stalker Danielle, the Agent of Mossad, and let us not forget about her Miami-based cohort Ramona the Romanian. Both of these women were thwarted in their attempts to mate with a guido, kidnap him, and return him to their home country, where their hearty DNA will be used to fortify their gene pool and create a class of strong half-guido warriors.
I'm not entirely sure if Grilled Cheese is working for a Bosnian boss or if she is, indeed, in league with Danielle, Agent of Mossad. In either case, two things are certain: Grilled Cheese is not willing to fulfill her mission and actually engage in intercourse with a guido and her backup was not ready to spring the trap.
If she was a really good agent, she would have smushed with DJ Paulie Doomed and then smuggled out his "sample" in her body and delivered it to her people. That's what the Black Widow would have done. She does not do it. She is only a half-assed espionage professional. It seems like there was some plan for extraction ready for the guidos, but she acted so fast and so aggressively that everyone back at mission control didn't take the necessary measures to spring the trap when Grilled Cheese had it set. That is why they sent her back into the house, to complete her mission. But she could not. Sadly, Grilled Cheese just melted away into the night.
Now that he escaped the treacherous Grilled Cheese, The Situation has another danger to face: his birthday. Apparently Sitch and DJ Paulie Decade were born only a day apart, so this year they were going to celebrate their birthdays together. DJ Paulie Delightful's family surprises him by coming down from Rhode Island (and his mother even brought along his barber so that he could attend to DJ Paulie Depilatory's hair). Everyone is so excited for DJ Paulie DaBomb's birthday and no one gives a shit about The Situation's.
Then he gets all mopey that no one likes him and is whining that he doesn't always want to be the villain. The Situation needs to shut the fuck up with this. He is the alpha male of the tribe and they way he keeps that position is by being an absolute asshole to everyone. He's continuing to threaten Snooki by telling Jionni about their hookup, he alienates and antagonizes everyone at every chance he gets, and then he's surprised that they don't want to celebrate his birth?
This is classic top dog behavior. When he feels threatened, he acts out and tells everyone that he will be the villain so that he can maintain power. But then when he is slighted for wielding that power, he acts all hurt and says that he will reform and make everyone love him. Until their affection threatens to supplant him, in which case he'll begin antagonizing them again. It's a vicious cycle to keep yourself on top. The Situation has two choices: he can suck it up and take it like all the other alpha men in history or he can become like Paula and stop caring. Other than that, you'll just have to let that heavy crown weigh down on your big ears even harder.
Fri, 20 Jan 2012 10:16:06 EST
Which Rapper Is Cheating on His Wife with an R&B Singer?
This hip-hopper is going to revive the career of the singer he's been sleeping with on the sly. This celebrity divorce will go very smoothly because the husband knows some scandalous secrets about his soon-to-be-ex-wife's family. Now that's better than a pre-nup.
1. "This former almost A list R&B singer who is still gorgeous, but has not had a hit in awhile and has been in this space before has been the go to person for when this married A+ rapper who has also been in this space before has needed to relax for the past few months because his celebrity wife does not want to help him relax. Is it any surprise that everyone thinks her next album will do really well. I guess she is taking very good care of him." [CDaN]
2. "This celebrity split was definitely shocking, but the divorce will be smooth sailing. The reason: the husband knows a scandalous secret about his wife's respectable family that she is desperately trying to keep it quiet. She will make sure the divorce is amicable because she would be very upset if people found out her father is not what he appears to be: he's a deeply closeted gay and a bitter man." [Blind Gossip]
Thu, 19 Jan 2012 15:10:10 EST
You Should Really Watch Smash, Even Though It's a Mess
Desperate for a hit, NBC is doing everything it can to make people watch Smash, their making-of-a-Broadway-musical drama. They're hyping it to The Voice levels of annoyance, they're putting it on the Monday after the Super Bowl, and they're making it available for free on iTunes right now! So, I watched the show. Just like a Broadway hoofer, it's brilliant...and a bit of a mess.
Conceived by Steven Spielberg, of all people, Smash tries to do for Broadway what The West Wing did for the White House. It wants people to care; it wants to show them everything that goes into the making of something they take for granted; it wants to highlight all the big personalities, talented people, and superior intellects that operate fascinatingly out of the spotlight. Smash also has the added attraction of original songs and production numbers, which, to people like me, looks like what a little baggie of white powder must look like to a person stepping out of Promises.
The story is that a songwriting duo (Broadway's Christian Borle and Grace herself Debra Messing) is trying to get a musical about Marilyn Monroe off the ground. They have the help of a steely producer down on her luck (Anjelica Houston, not really bringing the fierce), an asshole British director (Jack Davenport), and all the chorus boys they could want (mmmm, chorus boys). The main conflict of the show is who is going to play Marilyn, Broadway vet Ivy (Broadway vet Megan Hilty, doing insecure chorus girl/wannabe star brilliantly) or neophyte Karen (neophyte Katherine McPhee who, contrary to what the promos say, we were already introduced to when she was on American Idol).
As Broadway so often is, Smash it is at its best when indulging in big splashy numbers. Songwriting duo Scott Whitman and Marc Shaiman (Hairspray, the South Park movie) are writing new music for this fake Marilyn musical and the two numbers from the show—one of those you can watch above—are breathtakingly amazing. The sequence in the middle of the episode where we see a bunch of dancers doing one of the songs, interspersed with how the director sees it in his mind as it will appear on stage, is the most rousing thing I've seen since the first episode of Glee.
The trouble is what's in between. The show looks expensive and has this gray New York seriousness about it (think The West Wing) but some of the dialogue is absolutely groan-worthy. When talking about musicals, the songwriters' ambitious assistant says, "Even backstage...I felt (dramatic pause)...whole." Yeah, it's no West Wing. It's the sort of very sincere sentiment about something that is (let's admit) a bit trivial that you'd only get from theater geeks. There's also the obligatory "straight director trying to sleep with the hot actress" scene, which may be "realistic," but this was just one Coco and a crying jag away from being a campy Fame joke. And Karen auditions with Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful," the most tired audition song this side of "At Last." There were no other songs available?
The other thing about Smash that I just can't qualify is that it has a little bit of what I'd call an attitude problem. First of all, NBC admitted today in the Times that it badly needs this to work. "We're in a pretty bad situation. We desperately need something to catch fire, and we hope this is it," the head of the network said. That makes watching this show like going on a first date with a girl you know is dying to get married and start a family.
The show also has a bit of Broadway insidery-ness that is both an asset and a curse. The show feels like a bunch of Broadway people making a show for and about themselves and just wishing that all of America would watch because they know, they just know, that if people out there knew about them that they would just love them like a three-legged puppy they brought home from the pound. But it's that same insularity (a hallmark of so many New York industries like fashion, media, and finance) that will keep people out. There is a Michael Riedel joke in the first episode along with an explanation of just who Michael Riedel is, because the show knows that no one who lives west of Eleventh Avenue knows about the vitriolic Post theater gossip. For those of us who know, it's hilarious. For everyone else, it comes off as annoying and will make them feel stupid and out of the loop.
The show is trying to serve two masters: the Broadway people who populate the ensemble and the mass market who don't care about what happens backstage at the show, they only want to see the show. It's driving for realism in a world where a gigantic percentage of the viewing public will never visit and knows nothing about.
But the public does know about Glee and comparisons will be made. I already made one. This show is not Glee, thank god. But so many people hate Glee (even before it got lousy) that I wonder if Smash even has a shot in hell. Maybe it's a good thing that it's still rough around the edges. Glee started off so strong that we had no idea that we were just crash test dummies waiting for the inevitable destruction. Let's hope that Smash is like a dented car you buy just so you can fix it up and love it like it's been yours all along. Yes, it has its fair share of faults, but as a Broadway baby, I'm going to watch every damn episode. The real cliff hanger isn't whether the director will choose Karen or Ivy, but whether or not America will choose this.
Thu, 19 Jan 2012 11:03:55 EST
Which Rehab Graduate Is on a Serious Drug Bender?
This troubled actress is partying and getting drunk once again. This celebrity couple swings and swaps spouses with this other famous pair. This actress plays beard for this actor's boytoys. The closet makes things so confusing.
1. "She's off her meds, and it's not good. She has returned to the very behavior that got her into so much trouble in the first place, including the drugs and the alcohol and the self-harming. It's almost surreal to hear her spout absolute bullshit about being healthy and happy and sober when she is exactly the opposite. In fact, just a week ago she was out at some madhouse of a bar, drunk off her ass, doing multiple shots and snorting coke in the bathroom. Let's cut to the chase, and get more direct: Look, we know that you and your friends are reading this. It is absolute madness for you to think that this will end well. You are a beautiful and talented girl, but you ARE going to lose your fans and your career and probably your life if you keep this up. Remember how upset one of your siblings was when someone picked on them? Do you realize how much more emotionally destroyed they would be if you actually died? You should think about that, because that is exactly where you are heading right now. We don't care if you lie to people about what your problems are. We don't care if you pretend that you are going on vacation. Just get yourself back into rehab (or treatment, if it makes you feel better to call it that), and get well. Now." [Blind Gossip]
2. "Which B list celebrity couple who have been together for a while, has an open marriage where they ‘trade spouses' with this C list actress married to a B list musician?" [BuzzFoto]
3. "I guess this woman is still an actress, but she has not been in anything forever. She makes her living these days by living off her past fame and recent reality performances. Back in the day she was a solid B lister. Anyway, she has trouble getting dates so she and her A list married movie actor friend have a little deal. When he finds someone for himself, he tries to find someone who enjoys men and women. She beards for the actor and gets some fun on the side. The bonus is the A list actor does all the paying. It seems no one is willing to be with our aging actress for free." [CDaN]
4. "Which squeaky-clean actor's drug habit is so bad, he's starting to get a reputation and be passed over for big roles?" [Page Six]
[Image via Getty]
Wed, 18 Jan 2012 16:00:00 EST
Come Back, Zooey Deschanel, We Don't Really Hate You
In their new cover story, Zooey told Allure, ""I can't go on Gawker. I actually think the writing is really funny, but there is a chance that somebody is undercutting me." Aw, Zooey, don't do us like that. Those names aren't insults they're just whimsical descriptions.
I'm not going to launch a full on "In Defense of Zooey Deschanel," because like abortion, Cadbury Creme Eggs, and veganism, the sides of the Zooey debate are fiercely divided and horribly intractable. She is the most love it or hate it proposition in modern culture. Personally, I get why she is annoying to some people, but I find her to be kind of charming. I also enjoy her show New Girl and find it to be funny, different, and rather entertaining. I still like Raising Hope better, but that is some seriously tough competition.
I'm not going to tell you to like her or list all her good qualities. I'm not going to tell you to hate her and give a litany of reasons why. No, I'm just going to say that maybe we should be a little nicer to Zooey so that she can come here on this webpage and enjoy some celebrity gossip, strange internet culture exposes, and news funnies. Maybe if she could, you'd like her a bit more. Maybe all the detractors can say, "She is not my cup of tea, I am moving on." Maybe you can direct all your hatred to something that really deserves it like the continued wars in the Middle East, hate crimes, and that bitch Rene Zellweger.
Can we agree on that? Because we really want you to come back to the five and dime, Zooey D, Zooey D.
[Image via Getty]
Wed, 18 Jan 2012 11:27:05 EST
Which Actor Got in a Bar Brawl Because of a Gay Hooker?
This actor got in a bar fight, but no one knows it was with a gay pimp. This quarterback is cheating on his wife, and this hunky star doesn't like to have sex. At least it keeps him from being beaten up by gay pimps. They really know a thing or two about fists.
1. "This top actor recently engaged the professional company of an effeminate boy for the night. The following night our star was out at a bar with a group of people. The boy and his pimp showed up with a group of his own to demand payment for the services rendered. The pimp zeroed in on our star, a yelling match ensued between the two groups, and things quickly escalated into a physical brawl. Somebody got hurt, but it wasn't our star, who was promptly hustled out of there. However, any stories about the event have conveniently left out the part about the hooker and the pimp, as well as the fact that the fight took place in a gay bar. Our star stays in the closet and lives to fight another day." [Blind Gossip]
2. "It turns out this allegedly innocent NFL quarterback might not be so innocent after all. One of his admirers and fellow celebrity was overheard bragging the other day that she had no problems getting the quarterback into bed." [CDaN]
3. "We hear that this B/C list action star who is known for his chiseled physique and good looks, is asexual. He might be surrounded by beautiful women, but he certainly doesn't take them home." [BuzzFoto]
Tue, 17 Jan 2012 14:33:34 EST
Please, Neither Lindsay Lohan nor Megan Fox Will Play Elizabeth Taylor
Everyone is all atwitter that Lindsay Lohan is in talks to play Elizabeth Taylor. How dare she? How could she? The mock indignant travesty. And now Megan Fox is in talks to play the same role. Cue the same pseudo outrage with additional overtones of a cat fight. Please. It's never gonna happen.
LiLo and Megan Fox are two "talented" actresses (Megan's talent rests firmly on her chest) with reputation problems who can garner headlines just by the mere mention of their names. Of course they're the first people Lifetime is talking to for their upcoming made-for-television movie Liz & Dick. No, it's about her husband, Dick, not about how much she got around. What way to get more attention than by saying either of these people are going to play Liz so everyone on the internet can rend their hair from their cyber scalps. And "talking to" means nothing. I'm talking to Playgirl about being their newest centerfold. It doesn't mean I'm as good as naked.
Lindsay probably won't get to do it because it's filming in Canada this spring and she still, you know, not allowed to leave town because of the probation and whatnot (she was even in court today). And Megan? Like she's going to leave her movie career behind to do a Lifetime thingamajig? A series on network TV maybe, but a Lifetime movie? Oh hell no.
I don't know what the finances are for Lifetime, but I'm sure they couldn't afford either of these ladies for this movie. Lindsay, on top of a hefty salary, would need to be heavily insured, and Megan, forget it. I mean, Lifetime is the channel that just aired Sexting in Suburbia (that is not a joke). That's not an Avatar-sized budget. (That's not even a Paranormal Activity 2 budget.) They supposedly ditched The Golden Girls so they could pick up Project Runway. That makes sense, because it's a power franchise, but are they really going to place all their best on either Lindsay or Megan? You have a better chance of La Liz coming back to play herself.
Lifetime is going to cast some unknown and then do a round of "The Girl Who Beat LiLo and Megan Fox to Play Elizabeth Taylor" publicity. Smart movies all around, Lifetime.
[Images via Getty]
Tue, 17 Jan 2012 13:10:39 EST
Letterman Fires Scout For Blabbing About Sexist Bookings
The Late Show with David Letterman just fired its booker Eddie Brill. The ostensible reason is some horribly sexist comments Brill made in the New York Times. The real reason is Letterman's festering woman problem.
Brill's firing became inevitable when his Times profile went online six days ago. The 53-year-old talent scout was revealed in the piece to have placed just a single female comic on the show in all of 2011. Then he told the paper that this was because "there are a lot less female comics who are authentic. I see a lot of female comics who to please an audience will act like men."
Speaking to the press, of course, has nothing to do with it. Nor, in all likelihood, was Brill fired for his chauvinist tendencies (he swears, predictably, that he's not a sexist). The Late Show knew what was up; it had the same statistics about Brill's comedy bookings that the rest of us did, after all. And given the sorts of things Brill said to the Times in an on-the-record interview, one can only imagine what he said to his professional colleagues.
The show also can't credibly claim to have learned from the Times of Brill's conflicts of interest, like the workshops he sells to comedians. It can't claim to have been ignorant of the fact that Brill booked himself to be on The Late Show.
No, what's going on here is that Letterman is covering a very vulnerable flank: his fraught relationship with the opposite gender. The host has admitted to having "creepy" sex with various female staffers, and was written up in Vanity Fair by one of his few female ex-writers for building "a hostile, sexually charged atmosphere." Now Brill is mouthing off about women comics being inauthentic? Letterman couldn't survive standing by those words.
What's sad is that he could stand by Brill's heavily male bookings. Not that Brill should have been fired over the numbers — even the hip young cats at South by Southwest claim they can't find women comedians - but he could have been pushed hard to improve them. Given his show's stand-up prestige and Letterman's public contrition over his sex scandals, there's no reason The Late Show shouldn't have been a leader in female bookings rather than a follower in PR damage control, helping the Times' promising, first-ever full-time comedy critic earn his first scalp.
This guy is a hit with the Academy but his neighbors hate his noisy helicopter. This actress was getting busy after the Golden Globes, another actress is causing trouble with three families, this TV hostess is in love with a gay politico, and this actor cheats on his wife with hookers. At least he's quiet about it.
1. "What two-time Oscar winner has completely alienated his Santa Barbara neighbors because he likes to take off and land his noisy helicopter in a field on his property? The still-handsome 60-something star thinks he's untouchable and refuses to park his chopper at a nearby airport!" [National Enquirer]
2. "This not-so-funny funny lady spent the night at the HBO afterparty for the Golden Globes making out in the corner with a rather sexy male model. There's nothing nerdy about that." [Gawker]
3. "Which pretty twenty-something star is currently wreaking havoc among three famous show biz families? She is fake dating a guy in the first family. At the same time, she is real dating a guy in the second family. And that guy is supposedly involved/co-parenting with a girl from the third family. Despite all the chaos, though, we see the good in the situation. It's good for the Girl. It's good for the Guy. And it will all probably be reported as some sort of musical chairs love triangle, with lots of drama and publicity for the Girl and the Guy and their project/s… and lots of sympathy and support for those they hurt. So, good for everybody!" [Blind Gossip]
4. "What rising TV talk-show co-host – who has finally landed her own gig on a major network – is down in the dumps because she's fallen for a high-profile politico who bats for the other team? Her career may be on the upswing, but her love life is still in the dugout!" [National Enquirer]
5. "This foreign born A list television star from a very hit network show has always come across as Mr. loving husband despite being separated by distance. Perhaps he should spend a little more time focusing on the Mrs and not the hookers he goes through by the dozens or hitting on fellow cast members." [CDaN]
6. "Which famous yo-yo dieter plumped up to become the spokesperson for a popular weight-loss program? The singer/actress was in dire need of a quick career boost – and the high-profile campaign was the best way to get back in the limelight to create some buzz for her planned career comeback!" [National Enquirer]
7. "This C list actress who was once in a pornographic film was overheard at a bar the other night telling friends that she believes that women are just ‘playthings for men' and their ‘whole purpose on Earth' is to be visually attractive to men. Blech!" [BuzzFoto]
8. "This hunky A-lister's mom was the REAL reason he dumped his multitalented but larger-than-life former girlfriend. The studly mama's boy, who recently started dating a well-respected actress, received a thumbs-up on his new gal from mommy dearest. Who is he?" [National Enquirer]
9. "What handsome movie star is hiding a hideous habit that's turning his pearly whites a dull yellow? The 30-something's dentist has warned him to lay off the chewing tobacco or his sexy cover boy image will be ruined!" [National Enquirer]
Mon, 16 Jan 2012 17:53:16 EST
Lionel Richie's 'Hello' Makes for An Awesome Movie Montage
I'm not quite sure how to describe this video, but saying, "Click on this. It's really cool. Just trust me," won't quite work. But click on this. It's really cool. Trust me.
Basically Vimeo user ant1mat3rie took snippets of dialogue from several dozen movies to make the movies sing Lionel Richie's timeless hit "Hello (Is It Me You're Looking For)." Sure, nothing is as good as the original video but this is enjoyable in a similarly ironic but less campy fashion. The first person to accurately name all the movies used in the clip in the comments wins a special prize. (It's a hand job.)
