Sun, 05 Feb 2012 16:48:14 EST
Puppy Bowl Highlights Need for Year-Round Puppy Channel [Ideas]
![Puppy Bowl Highlights Need for Year-Round Puppy Channel]( "Puppy Bowl Highlights Need for Year-Round Puppy Channel")
For many of us, Super Bowl Sunday is less about the football and more about Animal Planet's Puppy Bowl — now in its eighth adorable year. As an alternative to the sports of it all, The Puppy Bowl is arguably (please don't argue with me on this) the greatest programming decision made by any network, ever. The puppies frolic as an announcer narrates the cuteness. At the end, viewers learn how to adopt the little MVPs. Really, it doesn't get any better.
But it could. Imagine a world in which you could turn on your TV and see puppies any time of year. It's hard to think of a scenario in which this wouldn't be a good thing. Going through a break-up? Console yourself with Husky puppies. Suffering from insomnia? Lull yourself to sleep watching tiny terriers spar. Stoned out of your mind? Get lost in a pug's face. An all-puppy channel may not be the solution to the global financial crisis, but it certainly couldn't hurt — these are dark, stressful times, and we could all benefit from some canine distraction.
OK, smart guy — how could a puppy channel be lucrative? I don't know. I'm not a TV executive. And yes, I can see how it might be difficult to find companies willing to buy ads on a station that is entirely puppies, but they're out there. Perhaps an evil conglomerate that needs help softening its image, or those for-profit online colleges that advertise on late-night TV. (They know their target audience: people who don't get off the couch by choice.) And if, like the Puppy Bowl, this puppy channel showcased dogs available for adoption, maybe we'd be able to dial back on those damn Sarah McLachlan ASPCA commercials.
Look, I'm just a man with a dream, but this is an idea with legs. The demand is out there. Why else would the Puppy Bowl net higher ratings than the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event of the year? (Completely false, but can you imagine?) The Puppy Bowl is a great start toward the kind of mindless, escapist entertainment this country needs, and I see no reason why we can't spread that love throughout the year.
I'll let you know when I set up my Kickstarter page. Until then, you can watch a livestream of the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet's site.
[Image via Shutterstock]
Sun, 05 Feb 2012 15:05:11 EST
Sleep Like a Homeless Person From the Comfort of Your Home [Things That Exist]
![Sleep Like a Homeless Person From the Comfort of Your Home]( "Sleep Like a Homeless Person From the Comfort of Your Home")
Be honest: after a long day of work and play, you'd like nothing more than to curl up underneath some cardboard boxes. But who can stay warm under cardboard? And how can you make your homeless style chic?
Dutch company Snurk has the solution — they've produced a duvet cover that resembles cardboard boxes. And the selling point? It "lets you sleep under a cardboard box so a homeless person doesn't have to." Of course, only a portion of the proceeds go to a homeless charity Big Issue, so you could just donate your $90 directly.
This whole thing is gross: the glorification of being forced to sleep under a box, the self-satisfaction of the product description, the need to display your charitable nature to house guests. And rest assured — unlike real cardboard boxes, the Snurk duvet cover can withstand a good cleaning. After all, you don't want to smell homeless.
This high quality duvet cover features a photographic print of a cardboard box. This produces an extremely sharp image that stays flexible because the ink is printed directly in the cotton. The image will stay crisp after frequent washing.
I'm not the only one raising an eyebrow. UPI has the story of negative reactions from Swedish homeless advocates.
Advocate Yvonne Borg said she couldn't see how sleeping under what appears to be cardboard would be "particularly pleasant" and said she saw the marketing as exploiting homeless people.
This should go without saying. And yet, Snurk and its retailers are standing by it. The Aftonbladet newspaper spoke with a spokesman for Swedish department store Nordiska Kompaniet. He maintained there was nothing questionable about the snazzy Snurk design.
Department store spokesman Jorgen Eriksson told the paper exploitation "is not the purpose" of the marketing.
"One buys it to show awareness," he said.
Oh, sure. There's no better way to show that you care than by snuggling up with a blanket that looks like what the homeless people outside are shivering to death under. Do note that pillowcases are sold separately. But maybe hold out on those — with any luck, Snurk will design some with grisly images of animal slaughter to raise awareness of factory farming. Sleep tight.
[Image via Shutterstock]
Sun, 05 Feb 2012 14:04:15 EST
Santorum Would Like to Remind You That He's Still Running [Election 2012]
![Santorum Would Like to Remind You That He's Still Running]( "Santorum Would Like to Remind You That He's Still Running")
Earlier today I posted about Romney's win in the Nevada caucus yesterday, with nary a mention of completely legitimate presidential candidate Rick Santorum. But Santorum, despite coming in fourth behind Romney, Gingrich, and Ron Paul, has some strong words for us: "This race is a long, long way from being over."
As reported by Boston.com, Santorum went on Fox News to remind everyone that he is still a thing. To me, most of these quotes reflect a man completely out of touch with reality — but I suppose you could say that about many of the candidates vying for the Republican presidential nomination. Seriously, though, who is Rick Santorum kidding?
Now we're getting to the states where they don't have the natural advantage, the time commitment, staff commitment to really build an organization like they did in these first five. I think we're going to do very well here in Minnesota. I think we're going to do very well in Colorado.
Does he just feel left out because Romney and Gingrich exchange barbs at each other and not at him? Is he worried we'll go back to associating "Santorum" with its NSFW definition? Incidentally, Santorum still has strong opinions on his opponents and their policies, including Gingrich's infamous moon colony.
A lot of the ideas that Newt comes up with, whether it's a moon colony or personal accounts for Social Security in the face of a $1.2 trillion deficit, are not connected to fiscal responsibility, limited government, and doing things from the bottom up, from a free market and free enterprise point of view.
Oh, and just in case you need a reminder of Santorum's loathsome social conservatism, he also spoke about the Susan G. Komen for the Cure's decision to defund — and then, uh, re-fund — Planned Parenthood: "I don't believe that breast cancer research is advanced by funding an organization that does abortions." That the funding for Planned Parenthood was being used for breast exams seems completely lost on him.
Congratulations on your keen grasp of the issues, Rick. It's a wonder no one's taking you more seriously.
[Image via AP]
Sun, 05 Feb 2012 13:13:15 EST
Donkey Semen Twins Offered Donkey-Free Porn Gig [UPDATE] [Xxx]
![Donkey Semen Twins Offered Donkey-Free Porn Gig [UPDATE]]( "Donkey Semen Twins Offered Donkey-Free Porn Gig [UPDATE]")
The twin contestants who were challenged to guzzle donkey semen and urine on NBC's Fear Factor may be able to extend their 15 minutes. TMZ reports that Brynne and Claire Odioso were approached by webcam site MyGirlFund.com. Now, there's no guarantee the twins would be doing anything pornographic, but if you read between the lines on the site, you'll get a pretty good idea of what's expected.
The TMZ article has a quote from MyGirlFund.com, which is too delightful not to share.
The site wants the girls to join their team, where they will have "the platform and tools to earn $50,000 or more quickly in a respectful and empowering environment."
Respectful and empowering! That's the kind of talk that gets dumb people to go on TV and perform risky or nauseating stunts for fleeting fame and fortune. But hey, to each his or her own: if these twins want to go ahead and cam for some quick cash, more power to them. They've definitely earned their exposure, since the seed-guzzling they endured won't even be broadcast.
I do like TMZ's closing line, "Anything is a step up from donkey semen." Perhaps that's supposed to put a positive spin on the porn offer — and in some ways, it does — but I can't help but read it as a challenge. Your move, Fear Factor.
UPDATE:
James Lynch from MyGirlFund.com's recruiting team has written in to let us know that they are not a porn site. He attached a letter for clarification. I'm happy to reprint it, even though I'm still not sure what's being clarified.
We here at MyGirlFund.com are appalled by Fear Factor's recent donkey semen stunt.
While Fear Factor has a history of pushing the bounds of taste, this clearly crosses the line. What we really don't understand is why a sexy and obviously spunky young woman like Claire would put herself through such a humiliating exercise when there are more pleasurable ways for her to earn that kind of dough.
At MyGirlFund.com we give women the platform and tools to earn $50,000 or more quickly in a respectful and empowering environment. Our models meet their financial goals by showcasing their unique talents and beauty to a generous community of guys who celebrate and reward them. We'd like to invite Claire and her twin to join MyGirlFund.com.
If you are sexy and have spunk, you shouldn't have to drink it.
Well, there you have it. Definitely not porn.
[Image via Shutterstock]
Sun, 05 Feb 2012 12:34:00 EST
Last Night's SNL: The Return of Lana Del Rey and Downton Abbey Airs on Spike [Video]
Last night's SNL featured a fantastic Lana Del Rey impression from Kristin Wiig during "Weekend Update." In the sketch, LDR responded to the people who criticized her performance on the show, though she did not mention Brian Williams by name.
Another standout sketch was a promo for Downton Abbey if it were airing on Spike. It's probably a bad idea to call the Dowager Countess a "chicken lady" but really funny all the same.
Sun, 05 Feb 2012 12:23:56 EST
Super Bowl Rivalry Comes Down to Chowder [Super Bowl]
![Super Bowl Rivalry Comes Down to Chowder]( "Super Bowl Rivalry Comes Down to Chowder")
I don't know why I didn't think of this — possibly because I wasn't sure which teams were playing in the Super Bowl until yesterday — but The New York Daily News has condensed the Giants vs. Patriots clash into a matter of clam chowder preference. As a person who prefers soup to sports, this is something I can get behind. And who hasn't debated the relative merits of New England clam chowder and Manhattan clam chowder?
The article offers a bit of a cop-out, along with a recipe I am far too lazy to make when there are cans of Progresso in the cupboard. Seriously, though, you can't tell me one chowder isn't better than the other, NY Daily News.
Unlike the sports teams, the tomato-based Manhattan chowder, accompanied by bacon like the one from John Dory Oyster Bar, or cream-based New England, like the one from the guys behind Littleneck Clams in Gowanus, can be equally enjoyed by even the most veteran of New Yorkers.
Yeah, yeah. Take a stand. I'll go ahead and tell you, I prefer New England clam chowder. I fattened myself up on the stuff as a kid, and I still prefer "cream-based" to "tomato-based." This has no reflection on my Giants vs. Patriots opinion, which is non-existent.
But now I pose the question to you: New England clam chowder or Manhattan clam chowder? And can you Giants fans even allow for the possibility that the opposing team's locale produces better soup? Please note that anyone making the obvious "Soup-er Bowl" pun is automatically disqualified from weighing in.
[Image via Shutterstock]
Sun, 05 Feb 2012 10:34:51 EST
Polygamous Family Reminds Utah That Marriage Is Between One Man and Several Women [Lawsuits]
![Polygamous Family Reminds Utah That Marriage Is Between One Man and Several Women]( "Polygamous Family Reminds Utah That Marriage Is Between One Man and Several Women")
The polygamous family behind TLC's Sister Wives has had just about enough of your judgment, thanks. According to The Hollywood Reporter, Patriarch Kody Brown and his wives Meri, Janelle, Christine, and Robin are moving forward with a lawsuit challenging Utah's anti-bigamy laws.
None of this would have happened if the silly Utah Attorney General hadn't spoken out against Sister Wives and its frank depiction of illegal marital shenanigans. On the other hand, the lawsuit brings awareness to other polygamous families out there suffering, and it continues to give press to the Browns, who really don't have much else going for them.
The family rose to national prominence after the launch of their TLC television show in September 2010. Utah Attorney General Jeffrey Buhman then gave interviews in which he suggested the family would be prosecuted under Utah's anti-bigamy law.
In a 21-page ruling, U.S. District Judge Clark Waddoups said the suggestion of prosecution potentially had a "chilling effect" on the family's First Amendment rights. But it would now be up to the Browns to prove a there was a real threat to their constitutional rights.
In the Brown family's defense, they're not asking to have their marriages legally recognized. What's the harm in letting them play house with one daddy and four mommies? The only thing that really bothers me about this story is the assertion that all of this is for a nobler cause.
When the lawsuit was originally announced back in July of last year, the Browns' attorney Jonathan Turley released a statement on his website explaining the rationale behind taking legal action.
We are not demanding the recognition of polygamous marriage. We are only challenging the right of the state to prosecute people for their private relations and demanding equal treatment with other citizens in living their lives according to their own beliefs.
Fine, but there's a difference between private relations and starring on a reality show. I don't have much of an opinion on consensual polygamy — the feminist in me just wishes it were a woman with a few husbands — but I do roll my eyes at reality star hypocrisy. To paraphrase the Brown family, "How dare you come into our home and judge us for our lifestyle, just because we've invited you into our home with cameras for an explicit look at our lifestyle."
Do what you want, obviously, but don't flaunt your nonsense on TV and then complain about the consequences. That makes you worse than a polygamist: it makes you a Kardashian.
[Image via AP]
Sun, 05 Feb 2012 09:51:27 EST
Romney Wins Nevada Caucus, Obviously [Election 2012]
![Romney Wins Nevada Caucus, Obviously]( "Romney Wins Nevada Caucus, Obviously")
Sorry, Newt, but we all saw this coming — Mitt Romney won the Nevada caucus on Saturday, further establishing his position as Republican frontrunner and thorn in Gingrich's side. But rather than focus on the man he's been debating, Romney took some jabs at Obama.
Romney thanked supporters and used his victory celebration to blast President Obama's performance on the economy, saying the president's "misguided policies made these tough times last longer."
"We're not going to settle for a president who tells us, 'It could be worse,' " Romney said.
Exactly. What we need is a president who will be assertive and make things worse.
As expected, Newt did not view his defeat as the end of the walking dead Gingrich campaign. Instead, he once again insisted he would not withdraw, ever, because we're all having so much fun.
Gingrich, in a subdued news conference in Las Vegas, vowed to continue his campaign until the Republican National Convention in Tampa in August. He said Republican voters "are going to want an alternative to a Massachusetts moderate."
And while Romney seems to be over the in-party bickering — at least until the next Republican debate airs in a few minutes — Gingrich continued to question Romney's honesty.
Gingrich renewed his criticism of Romney as "fundamentally dishonest" for the former governor's negative attack ads unleashed on Gingrich in Florida.
"If you can't tell the truth as a candidate for president … how can the country possibly expect you to lead as president?" Gingrich said of Romney.
This is the kind of bickering that makes Ron Paul seem like a breath of fresh air. Lucky for you political enthusiasts and schadenfreude-cravers, the candidates move on to Colorado and Minnesota on Tuesday.
[Image via AP]
Sat, 04 Feb 2012 18:00:00 EST
Things to Do Other Than Watch the Super Bowl [Super Bowl]
![Things to Do Other Than Watch the Super Bowl]( "Things to Do Other Than Watch the Super Bowl")
If you're anything like me, you will do absolutely anything to avoid the Stupid Bowl. With a deep-seated loathing for everything that happens on the gridiron (that doesn't involve Madonna or Janet Jackson's nipple) I always thought it was the worst day of the year. Boy was I wrong.
The great thing about the Super Bowl is that 100 million heathens are placed on their fat asses on their couches with a beer in one hand, the remote in the other, tortilla chip crumbs all over their shirt, and a stain from some taco dip on their upper lip. Yes, everyone I hate is watching the Stupid Bowl, that means it's my time to play. Here are some of my favorite activities during the big game.
The Movies
In New York City, everything is as competitive as two lines of grown men hopped up on pain killers fighting over a little pigskin handbag and going first down on each other. That includes the movies where you have to show up 30 minutes early just to get a seat and you have to buy tickets sometimes days in advance. Not on Stupid Bowl Sunday. You'll be the only one in the theater. Show up when you want and don't give Fangango that extra $1.50 to buy your tickets online. Crunch that popcorn and talk as much as you'd like, today the multiplex is basically your living room.
Restaurant Reservations
You know that restaurant that you're always trying to get into but there is a two hour wait for a table? Not tonight. You'll be only one in there. Find someone else who hates the Giants just as much as you do, and waltz right in. There's no staring at oneof those silly buzzing beepers waiting endlessly for it to summon you to your table. There isn't even any one else to bump up against you or take the waitress' attention. Order two of everything.
The Gym
There is nothing worse than some bitch with a gunt in her too-tight yoga pants telling you that you've gone over your 30 minutes on the elliptical machine or some muscle-bound jerk in a tank top trying to "work in" to your set. They won't be at the gym during Stupid Bowl Sunday. That's why you should go exercise while the rest of the country is getting fat on buffalo wings and ranch dressing. You can use every damn machine in the whole place and there isn't anyone there to complain. The downside is you'll be all alone in the steam room, but, hey, that can be cool too.
Theater
Normally the theater isn't really a viable option because all the show queens already know that Stupid Bowl Sunday is the time to get some cheap January-priced Broadway tickets. Well, this year there is a Nationally Televised Madonna Concert happening on Sunday too (I hear something about their playing some sport game before and after it too?) so you'll be front row center with no one to unwrap a candy during the 11-o'clock number. Heaven!
Counter Programming
Television executives finally got hip that not everyone is watching the Super Bowl and they're working hard to get all the audience members they can. While there are new episodes of Downton Abbey (the only person I'm rooting for on Sunday is Lady Edith) and HBO's Luck there is a Jersey Shore marathon on MTV, an America's Next Top Model marathon on Oxygen, an Ab Fab marathon on BBC America, a Sex and the City marathon on E!, and a whole bunch of others. It seems that on this secular American holiday you should be stuffing your face in front of the tube, that doesn't mean you need to be watching football when you do it.
Shopping
If you hate long lines at the dressing rooms or fighting with a million other people for the clerk's attention, than today is your day to hit the stores. I bet you can even talk someone into giving you a discount for engaging in America's second favorite past time—conspicuous consumpiton. Don't even think about hitting the grocery store though. The snack aisle will look just like it did the day after Kirstie Alley was released from her Jenny Craig contract.
[Image via Shutterstock]
Sat, 04 Feb 2012 17:48:40 EST
Nicest Kidnappers Ever Served Tea, Dried Fruit [Egypt]
![Nicest Kidnappers Ever Served Tea, Dried Fruit]( "Nicest Kidnappers Ever Served Tea, Dried Fruit")
If you're going to get kidnapped, do your best to get kidnapped by these guys: an armed group of Bedouin tribesmen held two California women captive for a few hours, during which time they served up food and good conversation. Seriously. The AP story makes these guys sound like people I would hang out with willingly.
Their kidnappers gave them tea and dried fruit, and talked about religion and tribal rights. The California women were allowed to bring their Egyptian tour guide with them. One even put out his cigarette in the car when a hostage said the smoke was bothering her.
I have friends who are way less considerate than that. I'd feel a little guilty talking up these kidnappers if they'd actually done anything to the women — but they didn't rob or harm them. In fact, the lives of the "victims" may have been changed for the better.
"All of this is an unforgettable memory," Norma Supe, a 63-year-old nurse from Union City, Calif., told The Associated Press. "Maybe God had a purpose for this. It was probably to encourage more faith in me."
Are you kidding me? This story is the anti-Babel. Maybe, despite all of our differences, we're really all the same. Maybe Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett just had really shitty luck that one time. Either way, this so-called kidnapping has charmed me. I don't know if all Bedouin tribesmen are this friendly and considerate, but for the sake of my warm and fuzzy feelings, I'll go ahead and believe that they are.
The kidnappers stopped, made a fire for the women to stay warm and made the women coffee. But Ganal does not drink coffee.
"So they made me tea," she said. The women were also served pita bread, dates and other dried fruit.
Sigh. No one ever takes care of me like that. What does a guy have to do to get kidnapped?
[Image via Shutterstock]
Sat, 04 Feb 2012 17:00:00 EST
A List of Things to Say to Sound as if You Understand the Super Bowl, Dummy [Super Bowl]
![A List of Things to Say to Sound as if You Understand the Super Bowl, Dummy]( "A List of Things to Say to Sound as if You Understand the Super Bowl, Dummy")
Not everyone knows football, and that's okay—even if you're an American. Everyone, though, is perfectly capable of sounding as if they might know a thing or two about football should the need arise. Here's what to yell at your TV and friends in order to sound like you maybe-kinda-sorta know what's going on this Sunday evening.
Pregame Small Talk
- Mention off-handedly how relieved you are that the lockout ended last summer-because "no matter what happens, this is going to be quite a game." Hold your glass high and say, "To the gridiron."
- Mention the 2008 Super Bowl and something about "Tyree" and a "helmet catch." This will be a tricky one to pull off, and is probably best achieved with mumbling and a face-palm, as in: "Mmmbumbammm 2008 mmba Tyree and THAT HELMET CATCH!" (Face-palm. Exit left for more onion dip.)
- During a lull, say something casual like, "I'm just really pulling for my Pats/G-Men tonight." Smile broadly and hold it for 43 seconds or until someone asks if you are all right.
- Ask for someone to pass the onion dip, because how many times a year do you get to eat onion dip? Actually, say this: "How many times a year do you get to eat onion dip, you know?!?"
- Say something mean about "Joe Buck," just because you can. (For example: "More like Joe Buck teeth!") If you are pressed for an explanation, just say, "Oh, like you don't already know!" Laugh a lot.
- Offer everyone a shot of tequila by explaining, "YO SOY FIESTA." Give them a knowing wink. Definitely keep drinking the tequila.
During the Game
Sat, 04 Feb 2012 16:00:00 EST
The Best Videos of the Week [Video]
![The Best Videos of the Week]( "The Best Videos of the Week")
Have you heard that video is a big thing over at Gawker Media? It's true, we watch and post a lot of videos each week. Here are some of the best videos of week, culled from an array of Gawker Media sites.
![The Best Videos of the Week]( "The Best Videos of the Week")
For Kristen Bell's 31st birthday, fiancé Dax Shepard decided to surprise her with a visit from her favorite animal, the sloth. The excitement of the introduction was too much for Kristen to handle and ended up sending her into a complete emotional breakdown. The whole thing caught on tape is truly something to behold. I mean, who would have known that Veronica Mars was such a softie?. View »
![The Best Videos of the Week]( "The Best Videos of the Week")
Did you guys watch Luck on HBO last night? Did you fall asleep like I did? Well, if you tuned in you saw the most exciting thing before the show even started: a new trailer for Game of Thrones. View »
![The Best Videos of the Week]( "The Best Videos of the Week")
It's apparently the '80s all over again, with Doc Brown's "Back To The Future" DeLorean now joining Ferris Bueller in this leaked Bud Light Super Bowl ad spot. Great Scot! View »
![The Best Videos of the Week]( "The Best Videos of the Week")
It's only halfway through the abbreviated NBA season, so I'm hesitant to dub anything dunk of the year. But here it is, dunk of the year-and of course it's from Blake Griffin. Kendrick Perkins's family requests no flowers be sent. View »
![The Best Videos of the Week]( "The Best Videos of the Week")
A Cessna 172B pilot in Mexico had to save his plane after his airplane propeller detached in flight. Yes, detached. Plonk. You can see the action from the cockpit in this video, including the exhilaration and relief of the passengers at the end. View »
![The Best Videos of the Week]( "The Best Videos of the Week")
Last week the world wondered what Matthew Broderick was up to in a short ten-second teaser clip on YouTube where he appeared to be playing Ferris Bueller, the character from his famous flick "Ferris Bueller's Day Off." View »
![The Best Videos of the Week]( "The Best Videos of the Week")
Mitt Romney appeared on CNN's Starting Point with Soledad O'Brien this morning to gloat over yesterday's win in Florida and instead told her he doesn't care about poor people. Romney said his "current focus is not on the poor" as "we have a safety net there," and he instead plans to focus on all those suffering members of the middle-class. View »
![The Best Videos of the Week]( "The Best Videos of the Week")
In addition to his love of saturated colors, precocious children and Bill Murray, Wes Anderson really enjoys stylized shots from above. See evidence here. View »
![The Best Videos of the Week]( "The Best Videos of the Week")
Brant Widgeon, an Astronomical Image Enhancement Engineer at NASA Goddard Space Flight Center*, explains his experience creating all those amazing space images that leave the entire world in awe. What the entire world doesn't know is how they are really created. View »
![The Best Videos of the Week]( "The Best Videos of the Week")
This whole video of teens dancing at a Hong Kong Apple store is entertaining. But go to around 1:06 and check out the moves of the girl in white. Her face is like the face someone would make while carving an ice block into a statue of a machine gun, with a chainsaw. View »
![The Best Videos of the Week]( "The Best Videos of the Week")
This is a video of 'The Stuntbusters' - Speed TV's artisanal automotive show that I think just sets crap on fire - blow up and flip what looks like a 1974-1980 MG Midget 1500 at 1000 frames per second. View »
![The Best Videos of the Week]( "The Best Videos of the Week")
I'm a sucker for these multiple-track music videos. This guy is Nick McKaig, and he's extremely good at reproducing songs using just his voice. Here's the proof: the Simpsons' theme sung a capella. View »
![The Best Videos of the Week]( "The Best Videos of the Week")
UConn, America's foremost institution of sports riots and male rage, is in uproar after student-run (and student-funded) television network UCTV aired a sketch comedy segment that depicted a crying girl using a blue-light phone while fleeing a possible rapist. As she attempts to escape, the robotic blue-light voices call her a "cock gobbler," a "stinky bitchy," a "blonde bitch," and a "howler monkey bitch" who is "crying rape." The sketch ends with the girl falling to the ground after her attacker strangles her in a dark parking lot. View »
![The Best Videos of the Week]( "The Best Videos of the Week")
We are familiar with the James O'Keefe of today, certainly, what about the O'Keefe of yesterday? Before he was a fugitive, professional ambusher and rabble-rouser, James O'Keefe led the life of a simple teen-aged student, wandering aimlessly through the halls of his high school humming "Life is a Highway." View »
![The Best Videos of the Week]( "The Best Videos of the Week")
You ever look at a race car driver's neck and wonder why they're usually so thick? Watch this video of a woman trying to keep her head in one place while being battered around the Abu Dhabi Yas Marina track in a two-seat Formula One car. Whiplash! View »
![The Best Videos of the Week]( "The Best Videos of the Week")
While I'm hesitant to praise ESPN First Take blowhard Stephen A. Smith for anything, an exception can be made for moments of distinguished valor-or at least doing something every single one of us has wanted to do on multiple occasions, like flipping Skip Bayless the bird. Last week Terrell Suggs called Bayless a douchebag, which means we're on a bit of a roll here. Maybe next week will bring the words to Skip Bayless on which we've been waiting far too long: "You're fired." View »
![The Best Videos of the Week]( "The Best Videos of the Week")
NASA said that their Blue Marble 2012 was "the most amazing image of Earth ever." Now they have released the other half, answering to popular demand. View »
![The Best Videos of the Week]( "The Best Videos of the Week")
How sweet of Teleflora to remind us ladies, just in case we forgot how gift-giving works, that we are obligated to have sex with our man if he does anything nice for us this Valentine's Day... Honestly, they fucked this thing up so badly that I think they owe themselves a bouquet! View »
![The Best Videos of the Week]( "The Best Videos of the Week")
Now that Stephen Colbert is no longer running for the President of the United States of South Carolina, he went to retrieve his Super PAC (and its money) from Jon Stewart. But Stewart wasn't going to give it up without a fight. Tonight's Colbert Report opened with their long and arduous chase. Here it is. View »
[Image via Shutterstock]
Sat, 04 Feb 2012 15:40:22 EST
Daniel Radcliffe Still Bigger Box Office Draws Than Whales [Box Office]
![Daniel Radcliffe Still Bigger Box Office Draws Than Whales]( "Daniel Radcliffe Still Bigger Box Office Draws Than Whales")
Well, we can't give all the credit to Daniel Radcliffe, but — we kind of can, right? The Boy Who Lived as Harry Potter For a Decade has moved on to a starring role in Woman in Black. Despite low expectations, Reuters reports that the horror film opened strong at $8.3 million on Friday. (It's worth noting that CBS Films predicted $11 million for the entire weekend.) The other big surprise was Fox's teens-with-superpowers thriller Chronicle, which actually beat out Woman in Black on Friday. Relax, Dan Rad fans — his movie is expected to surpass its competition.
But I have to at least give a pat on the back to Big Miracle, the feel-good movie about whales in peril. Despite opening this weekend (and having a heartwarming title), it took in a measly $2.26 million, earning a fourth place spot behind The Grey. Not exactly a shock — Big Miracle's TV spots have that "is this shit for real?" quality. And how can whales hope to compete against Daniel Radcliffe, telekinetic teenagers, and wolves? Not to mention Liam Neeson.
[Image via AP]
Sat, 04 Feb 2012 15:30:00 EST
The Non Sports Fan’s Guide to Maybe Enjoying the Super Bowl [Super Bowl]
![The Non Sports Fanâs Guide to Maybe Enjoying the Super Bowl]( "The Non Sports Fanâs Guide to Maybe Enjoying the Super Bowl")
The 46th Super Bowl in the history of the National Football League takes place on Sunday night. If you're saying "duh," then please feel free to move on to another corner of the Internet. If you're saying, "Is that the thing with the dogs?" then please keep reading.
What is the Super Bowl?
The Super Bowl is the annual championship game for the NFL. It pairs rampant American consumerism and gluttony with a nearly murderous contact sport so that We can be entertained and They can make money. It's a very fair arrangement that has worked seamlessly for more than 46 years—excluding that one time that half of America was briefly subjected to the horrors of a bare nipple on national television, which likely ruined the hearts and minds of an entire generation.
Ugh, whatever; shut up. What time does the Super Bowl start?
Well, we've been over this, and the Huffington Post was on it years ago. Super Bowl XLVI begins at 6:30 p.m. EST and will be aired on NBC.
I don't care what time it starts because football is boring and/or nothing but a terrifying public stage for the gradual destruction of men's brains. Who's doing the national anthem this year?
Kelly Clarkson.
And the halftime show?
Madonna. She'll probably bring out Nicki Minaj and M.I.A. to perform her new single.
That's weird, because Madonna is ancient. What time is her halftime show?
To be on the safe side, flip on over to NBC at about 7:45. A warning: Super Bowl halftime shows are, traditionally, like a bad dream. They contain all of the production and flashing lights of every Lady Gaga show ever combined at once, and they usually ship fake screaming fans in to the center of the field to wave signs provided by a PR firm and to appear as if they're teen girls at a Justin Bieber show. It's a matter of taste, of course: Last year, the Black Eyed Peas performed. Most of America sat in gape-mouthed horror at the spectacle, but Martha Stewart loved it.
Who is playing in this thing?
The New England Patriots are playing the New York Giants.
Those words mean nothing to me.
You are being kind of harsh.
The Patriots are a team based out of Foxboro, Mass. They are led by their dreamy quarterback Tom Brady, who is famous for being handsome and good at football (he's won three Super Bowls in his career) and for being married to a supermodel (Gisele Bundchen). All of the charm that Brady has, however, is sucked up dry by his imperious and humorless coach, Bill Belichick. Belichick is a scary genius who sometimes cheats and never smiles.
The Giants represent New York but play in East Rutherford, N.J. Their quarterback, Eli Manning, is very good at his job but often makes faces that open him up to ridicule because he happens to look younger than his 31 years. Eli is younger brother to Peyton, quarterback of the Indianapolis Colts, and son to Archie, a former NFL quarterback himself. (There is a third Manning brother but we are never to speak of the third Manning brother.) The Giants are coached by Tom Coughlin, who is inoffensive because he is boring. Don't worry about Tom Coughlin.
Do I have to watch? Can you just tell me what's going to happen?
You could miss A Really Great Game and The Joy Of Watching A Sporting Event With Friends—two key American pastimes—but it's up to you. Here's my pitch: These teams last met in the Super Bowl in 2008, and it was awesome. The Giants were down 14-10 with just a few minutes to play, and Manning led them to a game-winning drive that included one of the most incredible (or heart-breaking, depending on your perspective) catches in NFL history, when David Tyree pinned the football against his helmet and somehow held on. New York won, 17-14, and the rivalry's continued to this day. This is football's version of Yankees-Red Sox, only you get to eat wings and nachos while watching instead of peanuts. Everybody wins! But you'll have to watch to find out who literally wins.
What if I don't understand anything about this stupid sport?
That's OK! As with anything in life, you can fake it.
What's the best way to deal with this outrageously consumerist and violent event that all of America seems to embrace without even a single critical thought?
Get drunk. Definitely just get drunk.
Image by Jim Cooke.
Sat, 04 Feb 2012 14:48:37 EST
Bon Iver Turn Down Grammys in Favor of Whining [Music]
![Bon Iver Turn Down Grammys in Favor of Whining]( "Bon Iver Turn Down Grammys in Favor of Whining")
Indie folk fans tuning in to the Grammys — gotta be some overlap there, right? — will be disappointed to learn Bon Iver will not be performing. The Hollywood Reporter has some choice quotes from frontman Justin Vernon, who spoke to press on Thursday night at a Bushmills whiskey event in New York. Vernon's musical talent is apparent, but he could use some work on not sounding like a complete tool. Turns out his frustration with the Grammys stems from Bon Iver being asked to perform with — horror of all horrors — another group.
We just felt like it was such a large stage — we're getting nominated for this record that we made. Me and Brian [Joseph] and a bunch of our fucking friends and we were given accolades for it, and all of a sudden we were being asked to play music that had nothing to do with that. We kind of said "fuck you" a little bit, and they sort of acted like they wanted us to play, but I don't think they wanted us to play.
I almost get where he's coming from, but it still sounds ridiculous. It's not as though collaboration between artists with vastly divergent styles can't be interesting. (This is the Grammys we're talking about, so that probably wouldn't have been the case, but nevertheless.) Whether or not Bon Iver's decision was truly about the integrity of the music, it comes across like they were butthurt about having to share the stage.
Vernon went on to say that he would totally perform a song with the unnamed other group — just not, you know, on someone else's terms.
Fuckin' rock n' roll should not be decided by people that have that job. Rock n' roll should be the fucking people with guitars around their backs.
Fuckin' give me a break. Turning down an offer to perform at the Grammys is, depending on how you look at it, a very noble or very stupid move. It's all in how you spin it. And Vernon seems content with presenting himself as that guy who corners you at a party and tells you all about his music, even though you couldn't possibly understand. Ugh, why am I even trying to explain this to you?
[Image via WENN.com]
Sat, 04 Feb 2012 14:21:30 EST
Remembering Stephen Colbert's Legendary Defense of Planned Parenthood [Video]
Last April, during the fight over the federal budget, Stephen Colbert delivered one of The Colbert Report's most legendary rants.
Republican Senator Jon Kyl had argued that "90 percent" of Planned Parenthood's services were abortions, which his rep later said "was not intended to be a factual statement." Colbert easily debunked Kyl's statement—along with some other infuriatingly common misconceptions about Planned Parenthood's services—in a matter of minutes.
Ever since the Susan G. Komen Foundation announced that it would pull funding from Planned Parenthood this week, Colbert's take has been making the rounds again. Enjoy.
Sat, 04 Feb 2012 14:00:00 EST
Super Bowl Recipes for the Already Drunk [Super Bowl]
![Super Bowl Recipes for the Already Drunk]( "Super Bowl Recipes for the Already Drunk")
The Super Bowl is approaching fast, and knowing you, you're already drunk and haven't even begun to think about what you're going to make for the party. It's okay — stop crying — no, really — because we've got some fun, fast recipes just for you.
Sliders
Serves like four? Or so?
Ingredients
Ground beef
Cheese
Hamburger buns
Directions
1. Finish your beer.
2. Put "Mo' Money Mo' Problems" on.
3. Take the beef and roll it into small balls using your hands.
4. You know what would be funny? Yell and see if your roommate wants to taste your beef balls.
5. Guess not. Flatten the balls with the heel of your hand.
6. Turn music up.
7. Melt some butter over medium-high heat.
8. Not that much butter. Jesus.
9. Cook sliders until one side looks sort of, I don't know, brown?
10. Flip sliders using spoon you found in sink.
11. Put on "Mo' Money Mo' Problems" again. God, this song is good. Sing along.
12. Oh, shit.
13. Remove charred sliders from pan. Throw away.
11. Cut hamburger buns into quarters with scissors for "slider-sized" buns.
12. Put cheese on buns. Microwave on high for five seconds. Serve immediately.
Seven Layer Dip
Serves like as many as you want, probably.
Ingredients
One can beans
One jar salsa
One carton sour cream
Cheese
Guacamole (instructions below)
Some black olives
What is the seventh layer, again? Jalapeños, or something?
Directions
1. Finish your beer.
2. Open the beans. Dump them all out into, hmm, a bowl. Or onto a tray.
3. But, wait, wouldn't it be cool if you made, like, a bunch of little mugs, of seven-layer dip? You could give them away as party favors.
4. Text one of your work colleagues this idea.
5. No, just go with the bowl.
6. Put the salsa on the beans.
7. Now put the sour cream and the cheese on top of the salsa layer. You should probably shred the cheese? Or at least cut it. Chunks are the same as shreds, I think. You're fine.
8. Go find your roommate. No, don't bother moving, you're cooking.
9. Yell your roommate's name until she comes to find you (2 - 3 minutes).
10. Tell her to make you guacamole. Tell her you need her to make guacamole and you will pay her share of rent if she makes it for you right now.
11. Wait for her to make guacamole (15 - 20 minutes).
12. Her guacamole looks a lot better than your bowl full of salsa and cheese chunks, huh? Maybe you should just bring that to the party.
13. Cover the guacamole in an airtight container and text your work colleague again. Why doesn't he like your dip mugs idea? Serve as soon as possible.
Classic Italian Hoagies
Serves at least one.
Ingredients
Bread
Pack of ham
Pack of... baloney?
Cheese
Lettuce
Onions
Tomatoes
Oil & vinegar
Directions
1. Finish your beer.
2. This one you can do, easy. Find the bread knife.
3. Where the fuck is the bread knife? Maybe you you can cut the bread with a butter knife.
4. A hole. You can make a hole in the bread with a butter knife.
5. Probably you should have gotten good Italian bread instead of seven-grain whole wheat.
6. Put the ham and the baloney in the bread hole.
7. Is there a third meat? There's a third meat. What do they say in The Sopranos? Gabbagool?
8. Put the cheese in the hole, too.
9. Really, do you not know where the bread knife is?
10. Make another hole in the bread.
11. Make a third hole.
12. Put the lettuce in the second hole.
13. Fuck this. Serve by leaving on counter for your roommate to find.
Sizzlin' Buffalo Wings
Ingredients
Google
Directions
1. Hide your half-finished beer.
2. Google "buffalo wings near me."
3. Make your roommate call because you are having difficulty focusing.
4. Go lie down to rest your eyes. Serve wings cold tomorrow while you work off your headache.
Sat, 04 Feb 2012 13:52:27 EST
Another Reason to Avoid Cruise Ships: Norovirus Outbreak [Outbreaks]
![Another Reason to Avoid Cruise Ships: Norovirus Outbreak]( "Another Reason to Avoid Cruise Ships: Norovirus Outbreak")
It's only February, and 2012 is already shaping up to be a bad year for Carnival cruise ships: the Costa Concordia disaster, random passenger death, and now an outbreak of norovirus on two Princess Cruise Lines ships in Florida.
A local CBS affiliate picked up the AP story, which has the total number of affected passengers and crew at over 200. Norovirus sounds a lot more serious than it is — although "vomiting, diarrhea, and stomach pain" aren't ideal when you're on vacation.
The Crown Princess returned from a seven-day cruise Saturday and was docked at Port Everglades. A total of 140 passengers and 18 crew members were affected by the illness.
The Ruby Princess will dock Sunday morning. Cruise officials say another 81 passengers and nine crew members were affected on that ship.
Whether or not these were isolated incidents, I plan on avoiding all cruise ships for the rest of the year — barring the 3D extravaganza of Titanic's April re-release. If you're looking for more colorful details on life aboard a norovirus-stricken cruise, NBC Miami has a few stomach-turning firsthand accounts.
Another passenger, Karen True, said she believes she got sick after eating a fish dish with mayonnaise and cream cheese.
Yeah, that has nothing to do with the actual symptoms of her sickness, but it's pretty nauseating right? Something about the combination of "fish," "mayonnaise," and "cream cheese" makes that norovirus feel earned.
[Image via Shutterstock]
Sat, 04 Feb 2012 12:46:55 EST
Are We Feeding Our Pets to Death? [Animals]
![Are We Feeding Our Pets to Death?]( "Are We Feeding Our Pets to Death?")
Look, I love dogs and cats as much as the next guy — probably more, unless he also spends a good chunk of his day watching videos of Corgis on YouTube. But I have to marvel at the inflammatory tone of CNN's report on the U.S. pet obesity epidemic. (Be advised: this story contains sad references to pets dying young and adorable photos of Garfield-sized kitties.) The lede alone is journalistic perfection.
Kim Stevens has a problem that affects tens of millions of Americans. If left untreated, it could lead to the death of someone she loves, someone who's part of the family.
Stevens' dog Dodger, a black and gray mixed breed, is obese. According to a new study, he's emblematic of a growing problem.
According to the Association for Pet Obesity Prevention, 53 percent of dogs and 55 percent of cats are considered overweight or obese by veterinarian standards. For me, the real shocker is that cats are only a little fatter on average than dogs. Have you ever seen a cat exercise past some light stretching?
The problem, as you might have guessed, is diet and a sedentary lifestyle. (Pugs can barely breathe when they're sitting, and now you expect them to run laps?) But dog and cat obesity, however adorable, can cause serious complications, including high blood pressure, diabetes, and arthritis. Association for Pet Obesity Prevention founder Ernie Ward warns that pets with these problems can have their lives shortened by as much as two-and-a-half years.
But another explanation for the epidemic is the way we treat our fat pets: instead of rubbing their sweet little tummies, we should apparently be helping them shed the pounds. We don't even have a sense of what it means for a dog or cat to be overweight — at least, that's what pet owners claim. Personally I wouldn't be surprised if some of them were lying for the sake of preserving that precious belly waddle.
A central part of the problem, the pet obesity group found, is the growing "fat pet gap:" More and more owners are unaware their pets are overweight. The study found that 22% of dog owners and 15% of cat owners characterized their pets as normal weight when the animals were actually overweight or obese.
The story continues with a couple inspirational stories of dogs who have managed to get on the right track. Hey, if I had an underwater treadmill like Raleigh, I'd be more motivated to lose weight, too. But if the Association for Pet Obesity Prevention really wants to get pet owners on board, I suggest a Biggest Loser-esque competition. There is no greater incentive than the promise of fleeting reality TV fame.
[Image via Shutterstock]
Sat, 04 Feb 2012 11:35:38 EST
Romney Poised for Second Consecutive Win, Not That Gingrich Cares [Election 2012]
![Romney Poised for Second Consecutive Win, Not That Gingrich Cares]( "Romney Poised for Second Consecutive Win, Not That Gingrich Cares")
Once again, Mitt Romney has a significant lead in a Republican caucus — this time in the Mormon-heavy state of Nevada. CNN reports that the Republican frontrunner is well ahead of his opponents, which should come as no surprise to those who remember Romney's showing in 2008. (He's big in Nevada.)
Consider the Silver State almost home-field advantage for Romney. He won the caucuses here four years ago in his first bid for the GOP nomination, grabbing 51% of the vote, far ahead of Rep. Ron Paul of Texas, who was in second place at 14%.
Romney is still riding high from his big win in Florida last week, which — as promised — did nothing to deter Newt Gingrich from soldiering on. But although Gingrich insists he'll stick around until August's Republican National Convention, GOP strategist Alex Castellanos says the former Speaker of the House isn't doing so hot financially.
Newt's campaign is already over a million dollars in debt. Even if his super PAC can find some coins under the sofa cushions, soon his campaign committee won't be able to afford travel or staff. All Newt will be able to do is throw long bombs. He will be frozen in place.
But hey, even while keeping a relatively low profile in Nevada, Gingrich does have the support of local "billionaire casino magnate" Sheldon Adelson. And when you're quickly running out of campaign funds, that's probably the kind of friend you want to keep around.
Not to be outdone, Romney stood alongside his most recent big-name supporter, reality TV personality Donald Trump, in a Nevada campaign event on Thursday. It's not looking like a close race, but at least a lot of money is being spent. May the best billionaire-endorsed candidate win.
[Image via AP]
Sat, 04 Feb 2012 10:54:59 EST
Obama to Syrian People: "We Are With You, and the Assad Regime Must Come to an End" [Syria]
![Obama to Syrian People: "We Are With You, and the Assad Regime Must Come to an End"]( "Obama to Syrian People: \"We Are With You, and the Assad Regime Must Come to an End\"")
In the wake of increasing bloodshed in Syria and yesterday's massacre, Barack Obama has released a statement against the Syrian government and in support of peaceful protesters. Al Jazeera has posted the full transcript on their site.
Yesterday the Syrian government murdered hundreds of Syrian citizens, including women and children, in Homs through shelling and other indiscriminate violence, and Syrian forces continue to prevent hundreds of injured civilians from seeking medical help. These brutal killings take place at a time when so many Syrians are also marking a deeply meaningful day for their faith. I strongly condemn the Syrian government's unspeakable assault against the people of Homs and I offer my deepest sympathy to those who have lost loved ones. Assad must halt his campaign of killing and crimes against his own people now. He must step aside and allow a democratic transition to proceed immediately.
Obama's statement comes at a critical time, with the UN Security Council voting today on a draft resolution that would pressure the Syrian government to stop its retaliation against protesters. CNN reports that while the United Nations has estimated over 5,000 deaths since the uprisings began in March, the Syria-based Local Coordination Committees places the number at more than 7,100.
The statement from Obama goes on to challenge the United Nations to act.
The international community must work to protect the Syrian people from this abhorrent brutality. Earlier this week, our Arab partners called on UN Security Council members to take action to support a political solution to the crisis in Syria and stop Assad's "killing machine." The Council now has an opportunity to stand against the Assad regime's relentless brutality and to demonstrate that it is a credible advocate for the universal rights that are written into the UN Charter.
It closes with a promise of support from the United States and its allies — and another strong condemnation of the Syrian government.
We will help because we stand for principles that include universal rights for all people and just political and economic reform. The suffering citizens of Syria must know: we are with you, and the Assad regime must come to an end.
UPDATE:
Obama statement or not, Reuters is now reporting that the UN Security Council has not adopted the draft resolution on Syria, with two negative votes from China and Russia.
[Image via AP]
Sat, 04 Feb 2012 09:52:40 EST
Super Bowl Parties Are Costing Us $11 Billion [Super Bowl]
![Super Bowl Parties Are Costing Us $11 Billion]( "Super Bowl Parties Are Costing Us $11 Billion")
It's unlikely anyone is taking out a second mortgage on his or her house to prepare for a Super Bowl party, but a recent CNBC article suggests we may be doing some serious damage collectively. Who knew hot wings and beer could be so expensive?
According to a survey from the Retail Advertising and Marketing Association conducted by BigInsight, the average game-watcher will shell out $63.87 on game-related merchandise, apparel and snacks, up from $59.33 last year.
That means total Super Bowl spending is expected to reach as much as $11 billion.
Well, that doesn't seem too bad on an individual level. But I hadn't even considered those hidden expenses — merch, really? — and the fact that hosting a Super Bowl party is only a worthwhile endeavor if you're sure to be the best on the block. How embarrassing to spend a paltry $60 when your neighbor's gone past the average and splurged at $65.
Actually, one of the major expenses is a new TV: the same survey indicates that 5.1 million Americans will be shelling out the big bucks for something bigger, higher definition, and — if these people care about the Super Bowl at all — possibly shaped like a football.
It seems like the easiest solution to avoid spending so much would be not hosting a Super Bowl party. Do you have any idea what you can buy with $63.87? The alternative is what some might call a "dick move," but your savvier friends will think of as resourceful: charge admission. Look, if your buddies are going to invade your house, eat your seven-layer dip, drink from your mini-keg, and enjoy your brand new flat-screen, the least they can do is make a contribution.
[Image via Shutterstock]
Sat, 04 Feb 2012 06:55:00 EST
Police Raid Occupy DC Site at McPherson Square [Protests]
![Police Raid Occupy DC Site at McPherson Square]( "Police Raid Occupy DC Site at McPherson Square")
While you were sleeping, getting ready for work, or—most likely—doing anything besides being a protestor or a cop, United States Park Police entered the Occupy DC encampment at McPherson Square in riot gear at 5:30 this morning.
Earlier this week, a federal judge ruled in favor of enforcing a ban on camping in the city's parks. The police claim they do not plan to evict anyone; according to the The Washington Post, "officials will check the tents for sleeping gear and leave."
Some protestors complied with the National Park Service's deadline, which required them to break camp by noon on Monday. Those that remained set up an enormous blue tarp, the Tent of Dreams, which sounds more like a Cirque du Soleil knockoff than anything I've ever heard in my entire life. Protestors have now removed the tent. (It is, as yet, unknown whether they had the chance to perform any fanciful circus acrobatics inside before doing so.)
Last weekend, more than 400 Occupy Oakland protestors were arrested when violence broke out between demonstrators and law enforcement. So far, the raid on the DC camp has been peaceful: here's hoping it stays that way.
(Image via Getty)
Sat, 04 Feb 2012 05:02:00 EST
Lance Armstrong Investigation Dropped, Livestrong Bracelets Everywhere Rejoice [Scandals]
![Lance Armstrong Investigation Dropped, Livestrong Bracelets Everywhere Rejoice]( "Lance Armstrong Investigation Dropped, Livestrong Bracelets Everywhere Rejoice")
Yesterday, the U.S. attorney's office put an end to a two-year investigation into Lance Armstrong's potential performance-enhancing drug use. After surviving testicular cancer, Armstrong won the Tour de France seven years in a row between 1999 and 2005 (or, as we called it in 2003, the Tour de Freedom).
For skeptics, this won't come as welcome news. Former teammates Tyler Hamilton and Floyd Landis—most recently known for engaging Armstrong in an awkward bathroom encounter at a fancy-pants Aspen restaurant and a barrage of surreal Twitter trolling—publicly accused the cyclist of doping. (For detailed coverage of previous evidence levied against Armstrong, check in with Sports Illustrated and our cousins at Deadspin.)
But Lance, America's favorite one-testicled athlete and favorite non-astronaut Armstrong, sounds understandably psyched in a press statement released last night:
"It is the right decision and I commend them for reaching it. I look forward to continuing my life as a father, a competitor and an advocate in the fight against cancer without this distraction."
Armstrong's lawyer Mark Fabiani claims that Armstrong, who has never failed a drug screening, is the "most tested athlete in the history of sports." We'll have to see about that—it's not clear if Fabiani counted paternity tests.
(Image via Getty)
Sat, 04 Feb 2012 03:04:00 EST
Jean Dujardin: Too Sexy for His Oscar Nom? [Movies]
![Jean Dujardin: Too Sexy for His Oscar Nom?]( "Jean Dujardin: Too Sexy for His Oscar Nom?")
Sexy Parisian movie posters featuring Oscar contender Jean Dujardin, star of The Artist, have journalists worried that he may have compromised his wholesome appeal and apparent legitimacy as a dramatic actor. Could this photo cost him Best Actor?
![Jean Dujardin: Too Sexy for His Oscar Nom?]( "Jean Dujardin: Too Sexy for His Oscar Nom?")
The images—of Dujardin holding a pair of spread female legs—have been called offensive to women by some, and called nothing at all by others, because they are too busy staring into his beautiful, beautiful eyes and beautiful, beautiful stubble. The ads promote Dujardin's upcoming Les Infideles ("The Players"), a satire about philandering husbands. CBS News reports that, in response to media backlash in France, the posters are being taken down. (Don't know what to do with them? Contact me.)
But, lest we forget, as new as fans of Serious Oscar-Worthy Films are to Dujardin, he is equally new to Serious Oscar-Worthy Films. Dujardin is famous for in France for comedy: as the bumbling, hammy lead in the OSS 117 franchise, a secret agent spoof that's a lot more Austin Powers than Tinker Tailor.
It's unclear whether Dujardin's poster will actually have a negative effect on his reputation with the Academy voters—bad publicity is, after all, still publicity—but odds are that it'll soon be forgotten in favor of a new instance of the full-moon loopiness that descends on Hollywood during Oscar season. Remember that last year gave us the otherwise brilliant Melisso Leo's bizarro campaign in support of her Supporting Actress nomination for The Fighter. What's For Your Consideration is generally a whole mess of crazy.
I, for one, am not complaining. Jean Dujardin, you make me wish I took French in high school. Google Translate's lack of dirty words is making my fan mail hard to write.
(Images via Getty and Mars Distribution)
Sat, 04 Feb 2012 02:02:00 EST
Pippa Middleton Sees Your Buckingham Palace, Raises You Hogwarts [The Royals]
![Pippa Middleton Sees Your Buckingham Palace, Raises You Hogwarts]( "Pippa Middleton Sees Your Buckingham Palace, Raises You Hogwarts")
As Gawker's self-styled Foreign Correspondent—I'm expecting an engraved ivory deskplate via International FedEx any minute now—I'll start you off with news from Great Britain, a country so great it tells you so right in its name. (I'm all for taking a red pen to the Constitution and refashioning ourselves as the Awesome United States.)
Princess-in-law Pippa Middleton has rekindled a romance with an ex-boyfriend. He may be loaded, but George Percy's £315 million is the least interesting part of his inheritance. The Sun reports that his family's vast 100,000-acre estate "includes Alnwick Castle, movie setting for Harry Potter's wizard school."
Damn. Mind you, it "includes" Hogwarts. (Pro Tip: 42% of UK citizens are wizards.) What else does it "include?" The nation of Monaco?
Get it, girl. Despite the media's obsessive attention to the Royal Family—and the Extended Royal Family, and Facebook friends of the Royal Family, and anyone who thinks they might have once seen a member of the Royal Family at the supermarket—Pippa has remained poised, even in the face of hard-hitting journalistic inquiries into her no-pants grown-up all-night sleepovers with her last boyfriend. Plus, her butt is awesome. Take note, other sisters of female celebrities.
Best of luck, Pippa, but if this doesn't work out, please rebound with someone who owns a TARDIS.
(Image via Getty)
Sat, 04 Feb 2012 00:30:28 EST
Portlandia Takes Us Back to the Whisker Wars of the 1890's [Video]
The first sketch of IFC's Portlandia was about how Portland, Oregon is stuck in the 1990's. Now that the series is right in the middle of its second season, Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein are revising that thesis: Portland is actually stuck in the 1890's, what with the microbrews, the beards, and the general aesthetic of lumberjack chic. Portlandia does a great job of critiquing the posturing that is meant to pass as cool and this sketch really nails it. It also includes one of the series' great lines when Carrie realizes what's happening in Portland and declares, "it's like if President McKinley was never assassinated."
Fri, 03 Feb 2012 23:29:32 EST
Watch Bill Maher Unbaptize Mitt Romney's Dead Father-in-Law [Video]
By now we all know the story of how Edward Davies, Mitt Romney's father-in-law, was posthumously baptized into the Mormon faith fourteen months after his death. Being a staunch athiest, like Davies was, Bill Maher couldn't stand that and tonight on Real Time, he decided to do something about it. Here he is performing the world's first posthumous unbaptism.
Fri, 03 Feb 2012 19:30:00 EST
Please Welcome Our Next Night Writer Audition: Molly Fitzpatrick [Announcements]
![Please Welcome Our Next Night Writer Audition: Molly Fitzpatrick]( "Please Welcome Our Next Night Writer Audition: Molly Fitzpatrick")
Hi, guys,
I'm Molly Fitzpatrick. I interned for Gawker back in the summer of 2010, when I wrote about Lindsay Lohan's probation hearing and incarceration. This, incidentally, qualifies me to practice law in the state of California. I'm very excited to have the chance to contribute to Gawker again, and on a personal note, I've missed polishing Brian Moylan's extensive collection of mustache combs.
I'm currently studying in the UK, land of fish, chips, and the Prime Meridian, so I'm taking a later shift for a spin. I'll be here until 7:30 a.m. EST/12:30 p.m. GMT. That's right: I live in the future. (So far, so good.)
So—early risers, insomniacs, Pippa Middleton—let's do this thing.
High fives all around,
Molly
Fri, 03 Feb 2012 18:59:09 EST
'Yo your mobile site isn't working dicks ' and Other Technical Difficulties From the Week [Tail Of Mears]
!['Yo your mobile site isn't working dicks ' and Other Technical Difficulties From the Week]( "'Yo your mobile site isn't working dicks ' and Other Technical Difficulties From the Week")
Is it Friday already? We know it is because we have an extremely advanced sun dial here in the office, and also because you can only hear the word "cunt" so many times before you know in your heart that the week is finally over. This week's Tail of Mears was made for you, by you.
Babies Are Still U-G-L-Y
I just created a profile, so I c ould c omment onyour "uglybaby"piece. I want nothing to do with you sick fucking assholes.
!['Yo your mobile site isn't working dicks ' and Other Technical Difficulties From the Week]( "'Yo your mobile site isn't working dicks ' and Other Technical Difficulties From the Week")
Fantasy or Dream- Hamilton Will Kill You
Hamilton-
Please consider this. Whether or not I have anything to fear is not
the issue. All threats should and are taken seriously for me. After
receiving similar threats, your post fit nicely into that category. I
was told I was tracked, that they were coming to kill me, to be
prepared, and found private info and started sending threats to be
prepared<-the old V theme. At the time I did not find it funny, and
this sort of post does not help the situation. It is highly
unprofessional in every way. Why even post something like that? I
know life sucks sometimes, but threats in anyway are threats-even if
they are open ended. I read your post probably a dozen times before I
found a discrepancy to give me any peace.
As you said...it is no fantasy or dream-you will kill me. Not cool
Ham. I know a lot of people that have received similar threats. Why
did you post that?
A Lesson In Parallelism
Yo your mobile site isn't working dicks and cunts. Get that shit working fags and dikes.
Will Not Serve Or Protect
How disrespectful!!! Most things don't bother me, but this does... I sure hope you never have to call those "fat pigs" to save your life one day. Those pigs protect you. What would this world be like if we didn't have police. I've got my POST and I'm looking for a police job, I sure as hell wouldn't help you!
Breaking: Gawker Will Not Fire Noted Pansy, Adrian Chen
how about replacing adrian chen with someone who ISN'T A PANSY!
He's Lost All His Interest and He Can't Get Up
Hey Gawker, what's up? So I'm reading the recent article about the barista from Starbucks losing her break room and i decided to leave a somewhat angry but knowledgeable comment. I realize that because I've commented so little that my comment won't be posted. What i wasn't expecting is for your "company" to give gold stars to 6 year old's that happily leave baiting and goading comments for my post specifically. My question to Gawker is why would i even be interested in ever posting to your site if I have to prove my worth to a bunch of children bloggers with extreme retardation. Don't worry about me because I've lost my interest in your website. Just thought I share my thoughts with you about your glorious business plan.
[Image by Jim Cooke]
Fri, 03 Feb 2012 18:28:56 EST
Katie Couric is Still Using 8-Tracks [Lana Del Rey]
![Katie Couric is Still Using 8-Tracks]( "Katie Couric is Still Using 8-Tracks")
Katie Couric tweeted at us today in response to us "making fun of her." Oh Katie, always just a couple steps behind. Late to comment on this swirling vat of Lana Del Rey internet bile, (late to the internet in general) and a few steps behind our old pal, Brian Williams.
At least our new pal's got a good sense of humor to her.
[Image via Getty]
Fri, 03 Feb 2012 18:18:46 EST
Stephen Colbert Jumps On Breading Craze We Regrettably Created [Video]
Goddamn it. Stephen Colbert did a segment last night featuring breading, the meme we unfortunately launched this week. This means at least another week of my inbox overflowing with pictures of cats inside pieces of bread. Didn't anyone at the Colbert Report see that breading is totally over?
Colbert joked that the million dollars he raised for his super PAC was going to be invested in breading: "The next big internet sensation." Colbert wasn't the only big outlet to cover breading. CNN did a segment on breading today.
How did we get here? I coined the term 'breading' on Tuesday to describe the months-old internet trend I plucked out of obscurity to earn cheap pageviews on my assigned day to shamelessly grovel for pageviews. I tried to stop it that day, before it spiraled out of control. But I underestimated the viral power of breading. I created a monster, then stuck that monster's tiny adorable head into a hollowed-out piece of rye bread.
Breading must stop. But the only way to end a meme as virulent as breading has become is to find another meme to take its place, which can then be branded the "next breading." Oh, here's one: Running through the woods with 42 St. Bernards. "Bernarding" is the new breading! Stop emailing your pictures of your cats with their heads in pieces of bread, and start emailing me your pictures of yourself running through the woods with a pack of at least 42 giant dogs: Adrian@gawker.com. That goes doubly for you, Stephen Colbert, if you're reading this.
[via Dan Blondell]
